Which Of These Doesn't Belong?
Last night's post-work activities included the following:
1) Black raspberry picking with son and wife. We have several bushes along one side of our property. In the nine years we've been here we've never seen anything like this crop. We have about two quarts in our refrigerator, and that's not including the probably equal amount my son and daughter have shoveled into their gaping maws while picking berries. Seriously, if anyone needs berries, send me an address and I'll flash freeze some for you and mail them.
2) Evening trip to the pool with son for cannonball practice. Wife dips toes in pool, pronounces it too cold, and just watches. Wuss.
3) Friend comes up. Go to local dive strip-joint, get propositioned by a hooker.
If you guessed that #3 doesn't belong, well, you win. But they all happened. While at the strip joint my friend and I are drinking, (Sam Adams), at the bar when we're approached by a dumpy young thing, (Monday night at the strip bar, outside of football season, doesn't draw the top talent), who says, "Hi, I'm Ecstasy" I responded "I'm Apathetic" and she turns to my friend and says, "and what's your name?"
So naturaly I agreed to a lap dance because if she missed the apathetic crack, I was sure to get good blog material out of the dance. And Ecstasy didn't disappoint. As we're walking into the room she asks if I want a regular or a naughty dance. I ask what the difference is. Turns out the difference is $80 and a hand-job. And that's what she says. Keep in mind I look like a cop. Also I can get a hand-job for a lot less than $80 at home. Or anywhere else my right hand happens to be, so I'm not buying.
The dance itself was pretty routine, a lot of rubbing, fake moans and groans, and general gyrations. The girl moved around too. After she was done, I gave her another $20 to go get my buddy, because I'm a dick like that. She was gone a lot longer with him than with me. When he came back I said "You went the $100 route didn't you?" And he replied "Nope. I negotiated"
1) Black raspberry picking with son and wife. We have several bushes along one side of our property. In the nine years we've been here we've never seen anything like this crop. We have about two quarts in our refrigerator, and that's not including the probably equal amount my son and daughter have shoveled into their gaping maws while picking berries. Seriously, if anyone needs berries, send me an address and I'll flash freeze some for you and mail them.
2) Evening trip to the pool with son for cannonball practice. Wife dips toes in pool, pronounces it too cold, and just watches. Wuss.
3) Friend comes up. Go to local dive strip-joint, get propositioned by a hooker.
If you guessed that #3 doesn't belong, well, you win. But they all happened. While at the strip joint my friend and I are drinking, (Sam Adams), at the bar when we're approached by a dumpy young thing, (Monday night at the strip bar, outside of football season, doesn't draw the top talent), who says, "Hi, I'm Ecstasy" I responded "I'm Apathetic" and she turns to my friend and says, "and what's your name?"
So naturaly I agreed to a lap dance because if she missed the apathetic crack, I was sure to get good blog material out of the dance. And Ecstasy didn't disappoint. As we're walking into the room she asks if I want a regular or a naughty dance. I ask what the difference is. Turns out the difference is $80 and a hand-job. And that's what she says. Keep in mind I look like a cop. Also I can get a hand-job for a lot less than $80 at home. Or anywhere else my right hand happens to be, so I'm not buying.
The dance itself was pretty routine, a lot of rubbing, fake moans and groans, and general gyrations. The girl moved around too. After she was done, I gave her another $20 to go get my buddy, because I'm a dick like that. She was gone a lot longer with him than with me. When he came back I said "You went the $100 route didn't you?" And he replied "Nope. I negotiated"
posted by limpy99 at 8:55 AM
25 Comments:
OK, crying at your "I'm apathetic" remark. You're twisted in the best sense of the word.
I love blackberries btw, I won't ask for any because my husband and kids don't like them. My husband actually dug-up all the wild berry bushes in our yard without even asking me :(
Nice to meet you apathetic.
And I'm guessing your wife doesn't read your blog, or she's a lot fucking cooler than I thought.
Uh. With a girl named Ecstasy it is hard to see where an $80 hand-job couldn't go wrong.
Or where else her hand has been. Let's hope for your friend's sake she uses anti-bacterial soap to wash her hands.
Nonny, I was pretty proud of myself for thinking that up so quickly. Too bad about your bushes; we're actually trying to spread ours out more.
Zoe, my wife doesn't read this blog, but I did tell her about Ecstasy when I got home. She's pretty fucking cool alright.
PG, that was pretty much my thought process at the time. For his sake I'd be happy if she used any kind of soap.
I'd love some blackberries but my wife doesn't read this blog and there'd be way too much esplaining to do...
Strip clubs - gotta love 'em.
Now that all the mystery is gone...
It's nice to finally know your name!
I like Pathetic better than Limpy.
:::weeping:::
Think of all the beer you could have had instead. Or the shot of top-shelf scotch. But no... you rented a fat lap dancer. This is the saddest story EVER!
(But the "Apathetic" exchange? Dear god, that's funny!)
The only problem with "Apathetic" is that unless she's one of those young ladies "working her way through school" what are the odds she really understood it?
I would have guessed # 1 didn't belong. The others seemed totally natural to me, but then again I live in Gomorrah.
I'm thinking your (female) hand jobs are going to cost you a garage here soon.
Keep Ecstacy's number...
MCM, better to explain blackberries than explaining why Ecstasy is on your doorstep.
Rhonda, APATHETIC!!! Although "Pathetic" would fit that story pretty well.
Eclectic, true, but if I spent $40 on booze, (don't forget, I bought my friend a lap dance too), I never would have made it home and you fine people wouldn't get to hear about the Adventures of Ecstasy. The sacrifices I make for you people never end.
Rat, the odds were pretty good that she was going to miss it. It was chiefly for my own entertainment.
Maggie, according to my buddy her magic number is $40. I didn't need to know that.
Ok, I'm with Eclectic on this one. Ewwwww...that's just nasty.
OMG. You can barter with a stripper?! Next thing you know, you will be getting free t-shirts with your lap dance.
Ick. Being a germ-phobe, the thought of your friend letting her touch him literally makes me shudder.
But the fact that you "took one for the team" in paying for that dumpy young thing's lap dance, really shows spunk Limpy. Thanks!
By "spunk" I'm not referring to your friend, I swear!!
yes,
A Pathetic.
just kidding...
:)
1) Black raspberries? I haven't had those in a long time. Yummers.
2) You can't judge how cold water is by dipping toes in the pool! I wonder if your wife just really wanted to hang out and rest.
3) It sounds so sad. And I don't mean "what a pathetic loser" sad-- more of the melancholy kind. It sounds like the woman is trying to make the rent actually happen.
Tysgirl, that's what you come here for. The wholesome, fluffy-bunny stories are Maggie's department.
JDR, you can barter with anyone. Especially strippers.
Soozieq, I would venture to say that a germ-phobe wouldn't get past the front lobby of this place.
Rhonda, indeed.
Alkelda, I can ship you a quart. Really. And yes, you're probably right about the rent. Kind of kills the whole "funny" though.
Yessss! Shoot me an email, please, and I'll send you my address. I'll write a heroic couplet in your honor, too.
Ha! Your friend shoulda been named "sucker". LOL
:::scurrying off to check out Maggie's blog:::
You better not be lying to me!
I love blackberries! Your negotiating skills are obviously excellent.
I won't go into a pool unless it's warmer than air surrounding me. Actually I don't go into pools often at all. The hot tub might be a different story if it weren't for those pesky kids and damn dog.
you didn't haggle? tsk! i'd love to have some of the blackberries, but alas, they'd be confiscated at the border and i'd have to go into deep mourning.
I think it's hot when men go to the stip clubs... get all hot n' bothered... and come home to their wives.
Makes for better sex.
Unless, of course, you negotiate
Oh, goody! I love guessing and winning!
I really miss the blackberry briars we had when I lived back east. Our "gaping maws" were purple every summer, if we could get to them before the birds did.
LMAO at your strip club story, mr. apathetic. That girl sounds like she's in the right profession, not getting that remark.
Alkelda, turns out I lied. I checked the fridge and noticed a distinct lessening in available berries. Turns outd we've given the excess to various friends. Our branches are also about picked out. Long story short, I got nuthin', but I will keep you in mind for blueberry season.
Lil Bit, there are so many ways I could go with this response, and all of them guarantee a path to hell.
Tysgirl, I wasn't. Maggie just had a nice post about memories of her grandfather up there. I was so sweet I developed diabetes. Although maybe that was all the black raspberries.
WR, my negotiating skills consisted of saying "no" You could also call those my "staying married" skills.
DW, Canada won't take our black raspberries??? The French are behind this aren't they?
Blondie, another excellent reason not to negotiate.
Nick, see Soozie for your trophy.
LK, I think Ecstasy has a fine career in front of her. She was actually pretty funny. The customers will love her. She'll make $$$. Just not more than $20 from me.
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