Massachusetts: Because Massholes Have To Come From Somewhere

Chapter 5 in "Know Limpy's States"

Massachusetts is the 6th state admitted to the Union, ratifying the Constitution, (which is totally different than the Declaration of Independence, and if you know that, you're not only as smart as a fifth grader, but you are in fact smarterer than Bill O'Reilly), on February 6, 1788. Massachusetts is called "The Gay State" to memorialize its foresightedness in being the first state to legalize gay marriage.

What? "The Bay State"? Really? Well, that's sort of lame.


There are at least two and arguably three distinct sections of Massachusetts. The two definite sections are a) Greater Boston and b) Everywhere else. Sometimes people separate "Everywhere else" into "Western Massachusetts", a wilderness area inhabited primarily by flannel wearing woodspeople and possibly some gnomes in the far northwest, and "Cape Cod" an area populated chiefly by transients and fairies. And not the same kind of fairies who would be at home with the gnomes, but the kind of fairies who buy up all the good property on the beaches and then tastefully redecorate the shit out of it.

Boston is probably the first true city in the US, at least if you listen to anyone from Boston. And not just listen, but understand them. The latter can be quite a trick since no one in Boston can actually pronounce the letter "r" in any way, shape or form, not to mention the fact that they're usually shit-faced drunk and screaming that Jeter is a homo. My favorite quote about Boston, and I can't recall the author/speaker, goes along the lines of this: "When Boston was first built, the city-founders declared it to be the biblical 'Shining City Upon A Hill', then later decided to abandon that false pretense of modesty".

Boston has four major sports teams: The Celtics, who are now good again thanks to importing two really good older guys. They'll probably challenge for the NBA title this year, but no one outside Boston will watch, because no one cares about the NBA anymore; the Bruins, who allegedly play a sport called "hockey" in a league called the "NHL". Truth be told, this could be a myth, much like the gnomes of Western Massachusetts, but not like the Cape Cod Fairies, which are totally real. Yes, I am still bitter about the Whalers.

There's also a football team that plays sort of near Boston called the New England Patriots. I don't think they're very good, but rumor has it they may pull it together over the next couple of years.

And then there's the Red Sox. The Fucking Red Sox. You know, they were a cute team a few years ago. Every now and then they'd make the play-offs and find some creative way to lose, like forgetting to catch a ground ball, or forgetting to throw the ball in from the outfield while the other team ran around the bases like raped apes, or tripping over a batter while trying to field a bunt. They lost so much and so memorably that people wondered what their fans would do if they ever won the World Series. And then they won it in 2004 and I cheered for them, much the same way I would cheer for the fat kid to stumble across the finish line in a 100 yard dash. And we found out what would happen to their fans.

They would turn into screaming assholes.

And they did. Holeee crap. Yes, you've won two World Series in four years. That's very impressive. When you win four in five years get back to me.

In addition to its mediocre athletic teams, Massachusetts is home to many insititutions on higher learning. Some, like Harvard, MIT and Tufts, have fine reputations. Others, like Holy Cross, are located in Worcester, quite possibly the second ugliest city in the state, (Hello, Holyoke!), and while it could be a fine school, no one in their right mind would want to stay in Worcester for four years. And then there are those Massachusetts schools that teach women how to harness their mutant microwave energy and how to pick just the right skin tight suit to show off their gravity defying breasts.

Massachusetts state bird is the chickadee. While this is the same bird as Maine's, technically Massachusetts is the older state, and for awhile Maine was a part of Massachusetts before fighting a bloody civil war from 1861-1865 to win its independence, so we can't legitmately accuse Masschusetts of stealing the chickadee from Maine. We can, however, totally do so illegitemately, so fuck you Massachusetts, get your own damn bird!

The Massachusetts state flower is the Mayflower. Gee, I can't imagine where they came up with that name. Smug little fuckers. For a great book about the Pilgrims, the Indians, and what a bunch of conniving assholes they all were, click here. A bit different from what we all learned in 6th grade English. Squanto the hero my ass.

The highest point in Massachusetts is atop Mt. Greylock, 3,491 feet above sea level. I've climbed it. There's a road to the top. Once was enough.

There are 6,433,422 people in Massachusetts, all of who are going to hell for living in a state that legitimizes gay marriage, and more importantly for rooting for the Red Sox. God hates the Red Sox.

IF YOU'RE IN MASSACHUSETTS YOU SHOULD: Well, shit, there's actually tons to do in Massachusetts. Good Italian food in the north end of Boston. Great seafood on the Cape. Whale watching tours off of Provincetown. Queer watching in Provincetown. Great music options like the Calvin Theater in Northhampton. A strip bar in North Hadley called "Anthony's" that is simply God's gift to men. And of course, chartered fishing tours out of Gloucester.

MISS MASSACHUSETTS LOOKS LIKE THIS:

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Pretty damn strong. I spend a lot of time in Boston for lots of reasons, and North Hadley for obvious reasons. I dated a girl who lived near Worcester for over a year. I've hiked all over the western part of the state. I love the Northhampton music scene.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Yes.

Next up: New Hampshire. The state everyone pays attention to once every four years, then tries to forget, sort of like your odd uncle who lives in the attic.