I Have A Bomb Shelter And You Can't Use It

So What Would You Do?

2009-06-19T08:42:00.001-07:00

Other than be surprised that there's something new here.

My son likes a girl. Which is a start. We have it on good authority that she likes him back. Which is the problem. Now what does he do? They're 11. Does he ask her out? if so, where do they go? How do they get there? Is it cool to hold hands in the hallways? Should they have lunch together? Am I obligated to let him use the car? And more importantly, what do they do two weeks from now when they've become interested in another person?

Man my head hurts. I'm happy that the little bugger likes a girl who likes him back, Lord knows there's nothing better for the male ego at age 11, (hell, it ain't so bad at age 40), but I don't envy him the whole "trying to figure out what to do next" stage at age 11. Sort of makes me glad I didn't have that problem until I was about 18.

Hey, I had a late growth spurt OK?

Ah yes, the awkward conversations, the "does she or doesn't she" thoughts, the whole trying to figure out what I should do next and does she want me to do that or will she think I'm a hopeless dork if I do that thing. Good times.

So far all I've told him is to ask me any questions he wants about any situtation that comes up and I'll tell him what I would have done at his age. Then I told him that since what I would ahve done at age 11 is drink some chocolate milk and go play Dungeons & Dragons, he should do the exact opposite of whatever I come up with and he should be OK.

Frankly, at age 11 my only advice would be if she likes you and you like her than hang around together and have a good time, but don't take anything too seriously. But I'm pretty sure this is all going to end with someone going emo and developing an unhealthy fascination with holding sharp objects to their forearams.

I just hope it isn't me.

EDITOR'S NOTE: He got the girl. If you've never seen an 11 year old walk around trying to be cool with a shit-eating grin plastered all over his face, you haven't lived.

In Which I Disclose The Meaning Of Life To You

2009-05-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

If I ever write an authobiography, you can be sure of two things. First, the title of this entry will be the title to one of the chapters, if not the entire book, and two, I will lie about the size of my penis.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. No, I'm dropping in to disclose the meaning of life as I currently understand it. And that meaning is that you should drop whatever you're doing and go see these guys any time they're within a 3 hour drive of you. I saw them late last week. It was, far and away, the best concert I have ever been to. Ever. And keep in mind, I've watched The Suicide Girls take their clothes off while twirling a Hula Hoop. Try to imagine what it would be like if James Brown dropped acid right before going on stage. Or better yet, what would happen if you dropped acid and went to a James Brown concert. You'd probably see an Indian dude prancing around in nothing but a yellow cape, a plastic Darth Vader helmet and a pair of hot pants.

And by the way ladies, this is not a man who spends a great deal of time, (i.e. "any"), doing sit-ups or push-ups. Here's a picture. And I will tell you that depsite a physique that says "I am far more familiar with Kentucky Fried Chicken than I should be", this is the coolest guy in the room. When he's performing, you will want to be him, although later, when you look down at yourself and see your toes, you'll rethink part of that. But goddamn that voice!

The band Khan surrounds himself with is the tightest group I've ever seen. Didn't miss a note while pounding through what I can only call garage-punk-soul at an energy level that bordered on obscene. As did the hot pants outfit, but whatever. The show was in a small club ouside on Boston. There were probably 200-300 people in there. About halfway through the show I decided that Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers have to die. I can't take the idea that this band is blowing the roof off of small clubs at $20 a ticket while those little shits are lip-synching their way through sold-out arenas with three figure tickets. Fuck them.

I can't possibly do this show any justice, I can only urge you to see King Khan & The Shrines at your first opportunity. If you like music, you'll love this group. I think I got about three hours of sleep that night and I'd have gone back again the next night if they were playing. And my ears had stopped ringing. Bring ear plugs.

Editor's Note: If you click here, and assuming I haven't fucked this up like I usually do, you'll get to a video of Kong Khan & The Shrines doing "Land of the Freak". Gives you some idea of the live show, although by no means the whole experience. Seriously, check them out if they're ever near you. And throw rocks at The Jonas Brothers. I'm pretty sure that's legal.

Oh Good, Another Milestone

2009-05-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

I turned 40 at about 7:30 this morning. Hence the 1940's pin-up girl to the left. Classy and semi-pornographic! A few days ago someone asked me how I felt about this approaching age. My response, which I seriously doubt is original, was that it beats the hell out of the alternative.

A friend sent me an email today saying that "40 is the new 30" and then going on to say something along the lines of it really must have sucked back in the old days when they felt this bad at age 30. I don't really feel all that bad, but I do confess to a creeping knowledge that I am never going to feel as good as I did when I was 27. Or that night when I turned 30 and my wife took me to a strip bar.

By the way, I showed my wife this little atrocity of a blog, so all three of you, (and that might be generous), who still stop by here, say "hi". Hi honey.

Anyway, I'd say I'd write more here, but I'd be lying. I'll try. I'd really like to finish the 50 states thing someday. Maybe by the time I turn 50. or I could just get a Twitter account and do it all in one day. 24 states in 140 characters.

My co-workers are buying me lunch today. Which is cool. Honestly, though, the only reason I didn't take today off was that they'd kill me if I deprived them of the chance to get ice cream. Of course, I'd do the same if they didn't show up on their birthdays and deprived me of a chance to get ice cream. Seriously, don't get between me and mint chocolate chip ice cream. 40 or not, I will knock you down.

Hope all is well. I'm going to go take a nap and then yell at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T11:14:00.001-07:00

This is Kate Mara. Her dad owns the Giants, so I'm assuming she loves football. She clearly does not love wearing a lot of clothing, but does like guns.

I'm not really sure what's coming through her door in this picture, but whatever it is, it doesn't appears she's a fan of it.

I'm not sure what this picture has to do with St. Patrick's Day. The Maras might be Irish. Her eyes could be green. Really, it's a hot chick in her underwear. Do I really need a reason?

For Rhonda, Or, It's BetterTo Be Badgered Than Buggered

2009-02-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

Chapter 22 in the "Let's Face It He's Never Gonna Finish This Stupid Thing" "Know Limpy's States"

Wisconsin is the 30th State, entering the Union on May 29, 1848. This despite having been part of the United States since we defeated the British in the American Revolution, thereby winning the right to drink untaxed tea and to stop speaking English. The name "Wisconsin" is derived from the Algonquin name for the Wisconsin River, which, surprisingly, wasn't 'The Wisconsin River' No, those Indians never gave anything a simple name. If they just called each other solid names like "John" or "Doug" Instead of thinking up things like "Dances With Wolves" perhaps they would have had more time to invent things like gun powder and small pox vaccinations. Which would have been a lot more helpful.
Here's a picture of Jean Nicolet, a French explorer and the first European to wander about Wisconsin. I think this picture makes two things pretty clear. First, Jean seems to have had a pretty high opinion of himself. Second, injuns are afraid of loud noises. Hey guys, both guns are empty now. You can kill him with a sharp stick now. Also, this might be the only time the French won a battle against superior numbers.

Anyway, while sitting around busily not developing vaccines, the Algonquins decided to call their river "Meskousing", which means something like "it lies red" and may refer to how the river looked next to the sandstone cliffs. Pretty, isn't it? Some French guy passed this along to his (apparently illiterate) companions, who somehow changed the spelling to "Ouisconsin" Later, when the English settlers started showing up, much like ants at a picnic, they changed the spelling to Wisconsion, because let's face it, spelling it the French way would've been totally gay.

46% of Wisconsin is covered by forest. 54% is covered with cheese. Wisconsin produces more dairy products than any other state in the United States except California,[17] and leads the nation in cheese production. Wisconsin ranks second behind California in overall production of milk and butter, and it ranks third in per-capita milk production, behind Idaho and Vermont. Again, don't click on the links, I'm cutting and pasting here. The largest city in Wisconsin is Milwaukee, well known as the purveyor of fine ales like Miller, Schlitz, Blatz and Pabst. Take a look at those last three names and tell me that people in Wisconsin don't have a habit of getting so shit-faced that they can only order their next round by uttering non-sensical syllables from their perch on the floor.

There are 5,601,640 people in Wisconsin. Most of them voted for Brett Farve in the Presidential election, only to learn that their votes didn't count, as Frave is a native of Mississippi and therefore Constitutionally barred from running anything more complicated than a bumper car ride at a town carnival.

A little known fact about Wisconsin, (and parts of Michigan, but wait your damn turn Michiganites), is that the same night as Mrs. O'Leary's cow got drunk and kicked over a lantern, thereby burning down most of Chicago and creating the base for most of my current ideas about urban renewal, there was a much more devastating fire in Wisconson. You can follow the link to learn more about it, but since this will ostensibly come out on or about Christmas, (ed. note, yeah, that didn't happen did it?) you may want to wait a day or so. I find that stories of fiery death don't work well with the holidays.

Wisconsin is known as "The Badger State". God only knows why. I guess when you're discovered by the French you do what you can to sound tough. Here's a picture of a badger. Cuddly little thing isn't it?
I can see what you'd want that as your state representative. But then, Connecticut uses the Sperm Whale as its state mammal, so perhaps I should just shut up, eh? Oddly, Wisconsin's state wild animal is the white-tailed deer. Badgers being so tame and all.

Wisconsin's state bird is the robin, which is a) kind of a pussy if you ask me, and b), a total rip-off of Connecticut, which already uses the robin as its state bird. Get your own damn birds you curd-eating weasels!!

The state flower is the wood violet, which is shown here and does not like anything like a dogwood.
Actually, if you ask me it sort of does, but then, I didn't take horticulture in college, I took history, and I probably wouldn't know a wood violet if it walked up and bit me in the ass. I would however, recognize a badger it it were to do the same, so don't get any ideas.

The highest point in Wisconsin is Timms Hill, which towers a mere 1,971 feet above sea level. I will give Wisconson points for honesty, as naming anything under 2,000 feet a "mountain", even if it is the highest spot in your dairy-addled state smacks of false advertising. Wisconsin also has some neat sandstone features called "Dells"
which were created by glaciers, or glacier creating dams, or both, or neither. Look, I'm not a geologist OK? I just think they look cool.

THINGS TO DO IN WISCONSIN: Some people like to make jokes about how all anyone wants to do in Wisconsin is eat cheese and drink beer and get really fat. And since this is front and center on the Wisconsin Tourism's Department web-site, they may be right. You could also take a tour of Black Point Mansion, which was built by a German beer baron. I'm not sure how interesting it would be, but it involves beer and I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Homer Simpson's "Beer Baron" character. Also I suspect that this is a pretty accurate representation of most Green Bay fans, unless TV has lied to me all these years. They do say the camera adds ten pounds.

There's also a "Food & Froth Fest" that starts tomorrow, involving the sampling of Wisconsin's finest food and beer. In other words, it's several hours of cheese, bratwurst and Schlitz. I'll be clearing my schedule. Listen, I may make fun of people who eat and drink too much, but it's done out of jealousy.

MISS WISCONSIN LOOK LIKE THIS:

What? OK, so Brett Farve isn't really Miss Wisconsin, but the way he played for the Jets at the end of the last year, he'd have been better off sporting a gown and tiara. And the cow over there really is named "Miss Wisconsin,
continuing a trend we picked up on in Tennessee. Hopefully that's all we picked up in Tennessee, but you noever know what's in the water there.

Here's real picture of someone purported to be Miss Wisconsin 2008. I say purprtedly both to show off my impressive vocabulary, and because while looking for "Miss Wisconsin 2008" I got numerous different results, including a cow, a Miss Beer Cart Wisconsin group photo, and a Miss Southern Wisconsin 2008. I didn't realize that Wisconsin was such a huge beauty contest state.

I chose this picture becuase I do know several people who hunt in Wisconsin, and it looks like one of them just mistook the pageant winner for a deer. More importantly, you can kind of see her boob.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: I can find it on a map, but that's about it.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.

Up next: Are you kidding? It took me like three months to do this much! Someone tell Rhonda I finally got Wisconsin finished.

Tysgirl Told Me To Post Something

2009-02-13T13:09:00.000-08:00

and I would never refuse a new mother, even though I'm pretty sure this isn't what she had in mind.

Her name's Lucy Pinder. I realize she is wearing green for Valentine's Day, yet I am oddly not offended. And Syd, becuase I know you're looking at this, you'll be flattered to know that I can no longer access your blog from my work computer.

Just for the record, I'm still keeping tabs on all of your sites and occasionally get the urge to write something, but then life gets in the way and I don't.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Holy Crap You Guys, Limpy's Back!!!

2008-12-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

Actually, I'm just dropping in to tell you all to have a Merry Christmas.

Except for the Jews, Muslims, gays, and Unitarians. You're all going to hell anyway.

And So It Goes

2008-10-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate? Blogs that just disappear. Several writers that I really enjoyed just stopped writing and faded out. I'm looking at you Nonny. Or actually, I'm not, because you're not there anymore. And Sugar Smacks, who I still link to if for no other reason than I'm a sucker for Fruit Loops. Regardless, I just always thought that if you were going to end your blog, just say so. Let people know. Say thanks for the memories, pax vobiscum, whatever, and handle it gracefully.

Hey kids, guess what?

I'm done. This is the last entry in the Bomb Shelter. I have had an incredible amount of fun with it over the last couple of years. I started it on kind of a whim, after someone turned me on to the hilarious "I'm stuck in rehab with Pat O'Brien" blog, which is still probably the funniest damn thing I've ever read. I followed some of the comments around and discovered it was kind of fun. I decided to start my own and see what happened. What happened was that I had a great time. I met a lot of really cool people. Although I've never met any of you in real life, (and you'd probably call the cops if I did), I regard many of you as friends. And some of you as people to cross the street to avoid. When you weren't busy trying to destroy America with gay marriage, or getting knocked up, or drinking Guinness and taking pictures of your stripper neighbors, or generally fucking around in Mississippi, or any of a 1,000 other things, you were making me laugh. I hope in some small way I returned the favor.

The truth is I don't have the time to make sure the writing here is up to my standards. And those are already pretty fucking low. I have a job that requires me to work full-time now, and the kids, as they get bigger, don't require any less involvement. Nor would I ever want them to. So rather than just have this site sit here with no new entries and no explanations, (especially when the last post says "Nigger"in the title! Good thinking, Limpy), I am taking my bows, picking up the rotten fruit and vegetables, and exiting stage right.

Some of you have my email. If any of you want it, just drop your address in the comments section. I'll get back to you.

Farewell.

Nigger X200

2008-09-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

Pretend I just wrote the word "nigger" 200 times. And then did it a few more times. Great. Feeling good? The word kind of loses its effect after about repetition 116, but that's just me. Since I'm a white guy closing in fast on 40 I'm probably missing something. Kind of like having a point to this. Oh, wait, here it is.

Today here was another newspaper story about "Huckleberry Finn" being banned in one of our local schools. Apparently one parent complained the book features extensive use of the word "nigger", so the school authorities did what they usually do and yanked the book off the shelves. Now they're going to put the book back on the curriculum, but only after 11 teachers are trained specifically to teach the book.

What

The

Fuck?

"Huck Finn", in my opinion, is on the short list for "Best Book Ever". Does it use horribly racist language? You betcha. Does the protagonist start out as an ill-informed young lad with racisit view points only to have his ass saved time and again by an black slave, and therefore learsn that his many racist assumptions were wrong? Why yes, yes he does? Would such a lesson possibly be benefical to today's yout's? Gee, I dunno. Am I doing that annoying "question-and-answer" sing-songy thing again? Yes. Should I stop immediately? Probably.

Look, I'm against burning books, period. Except for maybe anything by Dean Koontz and "The Bridges of Madison County." Those I can sort of get behind starting a fire with.

Seriously Koontz, just stop. You've made a fortune. And while stranded at an ex-girlfriend's family's beach house I read several of your works. They make me weep that trees died. Cut it out. Get a hobby that doesn't involve writing. We'll all be better off.

"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", however, is a classic. It should be taught in every high school, no ifs ands or buts about it. There's a point to the use of the word "nigger", and that is that people in Twain's time, (and let's not kid ourselves about our time either), talked like that. And as the book makes bludgeoningly obvious, they were WRONG to do so. I imagine reading that word is painful to some people, but guess what? Life isn't easy. Words are hard. It's the people who can rise above those words and by their actions disprove them that are worth knowing.

Also, the parts in "Huck Finn" that satirize mob justice and and the southern honor system that resulted in bloody family feuds are simply classic writing. On their own they would be required reading.

So cut the crap with the book banning. Read the book, discuss the lessons and we'll all be better for it.

Then we can turn out attention to Ethan Fucking Frome. Seriously, suicide by sled? You couldn't find a blunderbuss?

Fuck Everything, I'm Voting For Gina Gershon

2008-09-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

This should explain why. Thanks to Syd for the lead.

Please, please, please let her pick Jennifer Tilly as her running mate.

/has unhealthy fascination with "Bound".

//well, not really a "fascination, so much as it is an obsession.

///fine, I'm just a fucking pervert OK? You happy now?

Sarah Palin Did What Now?

2008-09-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

Recovering Straight Girl, in her most recent post that wasn't about destroying America through gay marriage, asked what were you going to do to help push Obama into the White House, thereby destroying America by putting a community organizer in the Oval Office.

Well, since I'm a complete simpleton, and very self-involved, I took this to be a direct question to me. And since, as a community organizer, (i.e., I'm doing Little League again and we just beat some team 24-4 but it was OK because their coach called it a "learning experience" as we begged him to cut it short), sSo to answer this question, I am going to spread unfounded rumors about Sarah Palin, America's newest sweetheart, around my corner of the Timmy-net.

If your kids don't watch "The Fairly Oddparents" you didn't get that.

Apparently, the National Enquirer is going to run a story in which unnamed sources, described only as "an enemy", will say that Sarah strayed from her marriage and had an affair with her husband's business partner. Do I know if this is true? Nope. Haven't got a clue. Is the McCain campaig denying this? You bet your ass! In fact, they've gone so far as to say that they will "consider" legal action as a result of these vicious, unfounded rumors. Of course, if someone were to accuse me of marital infidelity I wouldn't "consider" anything, I'd sue your fucking ass off. Unless there was something to it. Then I might "consider" my options, and I might "consider" the ramifications of suing someone and opening myself up to the legal discovery process and I might instead "consider" just pointing out that the Enquirer is a rag that uses unnamed and paid sources, and then I'd "consider" that they were spot on about John Edwards and then I'd "consider" shutting up. But that's just me.

Now, do I particularly care if Sarah Palin had an affair? Good heavens no. Are you as tired of this question and answer format as I am? More than likely. Did I steal it from 'Doonesbury'? Not intentionally, but I did just recall reading a similar sounding series in said strip, so I thought I'd best cite it.

No, unless politicians are given to axe-murdering hobos, what they do in their spare time really doesn't interest me. Wear women's clothing while leading the FBI? Go ahead Mr. Hoover, and might I just say you look lovely in that particular shade of green. Feel like a blow job from an intern above the legal age of consent? Well, if you feel like risking the wrath of your wife, far be it from me to advise against that Mr. President. Like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms? Well far be it from me Mr. Senator...wait, really, the bathroom? Fucking freak.

The point being that there are many, many, (repeat many about 659 times here and you get the idea), reasons to vote against someone like Sarah Palin. Like her idea that Creationism should be taught on equal footing in science classrooms. Like her abstinence only sex education position, which flies in the face of reality yet does provide for delicious, delicious irony. Like her favorable views of library censorship as a test of loyalty. Or the fact that she increased the debt load of her town to the tune of $22 million, $15 million of which went for a sports complex. Stuff like that. But will anyone pay attention to that? No, because those are "issues". Those are things that matter. Those are real, day-to-day decisions that will have an effect on our lives. Sarah Palin's positions in these regards will affect,(and they will because I'll lay you good odds she finishes McCain's term), what your children learn in school, (God created the Earth and everything else in 7 days and evolution means you go to hell), or don't learn in school, (a condom, properly used, is much better birth control protection than pulling out and hoping for the best. Levi.). What you can read or see at your local, public, library. How much you'll pay in taxes. Real life. The stuff that matters.

But does anyone pay attention to that stuff. Maybe, but not enough. Because if they did I wouldn't be writing this stuff. Sarah Palin would be run back to Alaska on a rail. McCain might not have reversed every position he's taken over the last 22 years in the Senate to try to be President. Well, maybe not everything, just little things like tax cuts, immigration and offshore drilling. No, instead people pay attention to things like mistakes her 17 year old daughter made, and now has to live out publicly. Or how funny it is to bash community organizers.

Oh, and by the way, as someone who busts his ass to make sure kids like yours have some fun and learn to play baseball, FUCK YOU!!!!!

No, far be it from any of the voting public to think about the issues. So for now I'll have to be satisfied, or at least hope, that an unfounded rumor in a "newspaper" I usually rely on to report on Jessica Simpsons boobs, might trash this candidate from hell.

And that's just sad.

NOTE: Earl advises me that the links were screwed up. Undoubtedly my fault. Rather than take the time to fix them I'll just say that if you want to check the links, just do what I did and google "Sarah Palin" and than add "affair", "creationism", "censorship" etc and you'll get a whole list to choose from. Enjoy.

Who's Sleeping Worse Than Me?

2008-09-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

This guy.

Meet Levi Johnston. Looks like a nice kid doesn't he? Solid citizens those hockey players. Real team guys. Know how to work as a unit. How to come through under pressure. How to put the puck on net. And, if those clumsy metaphors weren't enough to get through to you, how to knock up the Republican vice-presidential candidate's 17 year old daughter. If only the girl hadn't pulled the goalie. Oh wait, her mom is against sex education unless it's abstinence only. How's that working out for you Mom? Here's a tip. If you're raising teenagers in a state where it's dark half the year, they're gonna fuck, (assuming they don't get eaten by vampires), they should probably know how not to get pregnant while doing it.

Anyway, the end result is that Levi got his ass shanghai'd onto a plane to St. Paul, where he got to put on a suit, (I'm presuming he put on a suit; I haven't watched either convention. As far as I' concerened, if by this time you still need additional information as to whether or not you want 2.5 more years of what we've had the last 8 years, you need to get out more), and appear in front of the Republican National Convention with his brand new finacee' to be, the daughter of not only the candidate for VP, but the governor of his home state.

Seriously pal, man-to man. You're a high school hockey player in Alaska. I'm guessing you're up to your ears in the kind of sex that I could only dream about, (and frequently did, much to the local laundromats chagrin), when I was running cross-country in high-school. Of all the girls to get big with child, you choose the governor's daughter!? What the fuck? You're done now pal. You just guaranteed that your next few years, (because let's face it, the over-under on a shotgun wedding for politcal purposes is about 3 years), are going to be MISERABLE. I know that what's-her-name's mom isn't big on the whole contraceptive angle, because Xenu forbid someone fuck for fun, (or to fall asleep. Better than Ambien!), but that doesn't excuse you from not putting on a rubber.

So enjoy the next few months buddy. Enjoy those awkward "family" photos with your future mother-in-law smiling through clenched teeth as she puts an arm around the guy who knocked up her daughter jjst before the biggest moment of her poltical life. Enjoy those a-bit-too-firm handshakes with your future father-in-law, who, if his wife wasn't running for national office, would probably be using your entrails to bait a trap-line somewhere in the Alaskan woods. And enjoy being a father at 18. Because let me tell you, you stupid no-condom wearing motherfucker, as much joy as I take in my two kids, I was in my late 20's when I started having children. And you have no fucking idea what you're in for.

My diatribe against dumbass there aside, I'd prefer it if these two kids were left to work out their situation on their own, rather than drag-assed in front of the media as props. She's 17 and knocked up. He's (I don't know.) and just learned his girlfriend's pregnant and he's going to marry her or else. You're telling me they're both sleeping well. Hell, I expect they're shitting glass. Christ I was a basket case when I learned my wife was pregnant and I was married for 3 years at that point. Yes, they made a mistake, a pretty avoidable if they'd taken two minutes to unroll a rubber, (sorry, but "abstinence-only" sex-education is like "gas-pedal only driver's education. Sure, you'll know how to get going, but unless you know how to stop, there's going to be an accident. Feel free to disagree all you want.) (also feel free to criticize me for that awful analogy), but before they're forced into life-altering decisions like marriage, children,or going to the Republican Convention give them a few minutes.

Just not alone.

Insomnia Sucks

2008-09-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

I've had insomnia for about the last three weeks. I have no idea why. It just started one night when I couldn't get to sleep until about 2 am. I went to be early the next night, and was just tickled shitless to see 4:18 am roll around until I fell asleep. The next night was more of the same, although for some reason that Friday and Saturday I fell right to asleep. I was just giddy with excitement as I went to bed that Sunday night, only to again see 2 am before stealing some Ambien from my wife and knocking myself out.

Over the next few days it was more of the same, with me using some Lunesta samples to eventually fall asleep, having my doctor tell me to use melatonin, trying melatonin with excellent results the first night, (like falling asleep within five minutes excellent), and then, as near as I can tell, no effect whatsoever ever since. Although I still take it every night because I spent $6 on the bottle and wouldn't want to waste it.

I'd been using Ambien samples as a last resort, and it always worked. Last night I took two and still was up until 4. Still that was better than Friday night, when I took nothing to see what would happen and finally fell asleep after 6 am Saturday morning. I've got another call to my doctor this afternoon to see if I can get a prescription for heroin. Needless to say, I've been in a pretty shitty mood lately. I'd rather not get used to getting by on 3 hours of sleep a night, and I really don't like taking prescription drugs if I don't have to. Oddly, I'm OK with illegal drugs.

So if anyone's got any useful advice about beating insomnia, let me know. And don't say "drink five beers and stay up late playing cards" because I already tried that and it didn't work.

Hopefully I'll start getting some more sleep and feel more like writing the usual mediocre stuff you've come to know and love. Until then, I'll be the one watching "World's Strongest Man" reruns on ESPN Classic at 3 am.

Christ I Hope I Didn't Get Anything Wrong On This One: Tennessee

2008-08-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Chapter 21 in the let's-just-get-this-over-with-and-then-pretend-it-never-happened, (sort of like that night I lost my virginity), "Know Limpy's States"

Tennssee is the 16th state, entering the Union on June 1, 1796. Do you know what esle happened on June 1, 1796. Damn, neither do I. I was hoping you could tell me. Unlike those traitorous bastards in South Carolina, Tenessee was the last state to leave the Union. During the Civil War several fascinating battles took place, one of which, the Battle of Shiloh, was one of the turning points of the war. As you'll discover if you click that pretty blue link there, (of course, this is Wikipedia and could be all bullshit, but it's not like they say the Confederates won, so I say "close enough"), the Confederates had a chance to annihilate Grant's army but dropped the ball, allowing the Union forces to be reinforced and then counterattack the next day, leading to a crucial Confederate defeat.

At this point I'd just like to say I feel like the old lecturing history professor in "The Holy Grail", blathering on about Arthur's defeat at the hands of the French, right before a knight gallpos up and cuts his throat.

Nonetheless, as a history geek, I've always been fascinated by that battle because it's probably the first real beat down, (that's a historical term) , that the Confederates took, (but not the last you uppity bitches!), and also because it's the emergence of Grant as the eventual commander of the Union forces. Actually, after the battle the initial reaction was to have Grant fired, with his superiors arguing that he should have retreated when attacked by superior forces with the element of surprise. Legend has it that the superior, a Gen. Halleck, argued all this to President Lincoln, and then, finishing up, spitefully said, "and the man's a drunk" To which Lincoln is rumored to have replied "Well, find out what he drinks and send a barrel of it to every general in my army" Take that Halleck!

Tennesse is tied with Missouri for bordering the most states. : Kentucky and Virginia to the north; North Carolina to the east; Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi on the south; Arkansas and Missouri on the Mississippi River to the west. Don't waste time clickling on those links; I just cut and pasted from the Wikipedia article becuase I'm lazy. And remember, it's not plagiarizing if you admit it. In a somewhat interesting note, Georgia is apparently pushing to "annex" some of Tennesee, arguing that someone fucked up the surveying 200 years ago, and they should actually get another mile north, conveniently giving them access to the Tenessee River and perhaps alleviating their complete mismanagement of development in Atlanta, which has no water.

Tennesse was apparently amost named "Franklin", which would've been easier to spell, after part of western North Carolina broke away in a short-lived attmept to form their own state, which they would have called "Franklin". But, like so many other ventures involving mountain folk in Appalachia, that venture burned down in failure. So they tried another state, and that one burned down, fell over and sank into the swamp. But the third one stayed put, and that's how Tenessee came to be. Or I may be confusing it with a Monty Python routine.

Tenessee is called the "Volunteer State" apparently because of the crucial role volunteer fighters played in the War of 1812, especially during the Battle of New Orleans. Although I hardly think that's a big deal; getting a citizen of Tennesee to shoot at something is like getting a fat kid to eat ice cream. It's gonna happen one way or the other.

Tenessee is well known for the Depression era Tennssee Valley Authority program, in which the federal government gave people jobs building dams all over the Tennsse Valley area, (hence the catchy name), which then produced electricity for rural folk, who promptly freaked out and tried to smash all the new "demon-lights" before they lost their souls. Perhaps in the next Great Depression, (coming sooner than you'd like to think!), the government can get a TVA program for indoor toilets.

There are 6,156,719 people in Tennesseee, almost all of whom are now used to 'lectricity. One of them is a smart-ass redhead who even now is combing through this entry for inaccuracies. Of which, believe me, I'm sure there's about 9011.

The state flower is the purple iris. I don't believe we've come across this one before, so congratulations to Tennesee for some originality. On the other hand, the state bird is the mockingbird, and I believe Arkansas had first dibs on that one. Anyway, here's a picture: No, look up stupid.

The highest point in Tenessee is the summit of Clingman's Dome, at 6,643 ft above sea level and fully wheelchair accessible. Or maybe not. I'm just curious is someone will try it. Let me know how it works. Actually, proving that I can in fact do some research when the spirit moves me, I looked up Clingman's Dome and it appears that it pretty much is wheel-chair accessible, what with the road to the top and the observation tower and the parking lots and the damn-near-everything-but-wilderness going on. Also it's the highest point on the Appalachian Trail, except for whatever portion of the trail Phollower happens to be standing on at any given time.

IF YOU'RE IN TENNESSEE YOU SHOULD: well, for Christ's sake, don't go here, (shit, now the margins are screwed up. Think "there" and look here>>)
It's a total cliche', the man's dead and he's not coming back. Ever.

For the temporally displaced, you could go to Dollywood's BBQ festival, which the offical Tennesee tourism site says wil occur from 9/5/08-8/28/05. No word on whether you lose weight as the festival winds its way backwards from conclusion to start. Personally I'd probably spend most of my time drinking it up on Beale St., (and if I need to tell you where Beale St. is, you suck) (oh, OK, it's in Memphis. Now please turn down the Lawrence Welk soundtrack and try to pay more attention), and checking out the music. Because that's just how I roll. Sometimes literally after staying out to late.

I do have to say that Tennesseee has one of the better tourism sites. They'll give you directions, tell you what else is in the area and hook you up with a place to stay. Although why "Tysgirl's couch" is on there is beyond me.

MISS TENNESSE LOOKS LIKE THIS:
Well, she does when she's a prize-winning heifer at the statecounty fair. I'm just surprised there's snow in the picture. Maybe they took it on top of Clingman's Dome. But no shit, her name's really "Miss Tennesee"

No, actually, Miss Tennssee looks like this:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And it gets even better when she gets her crown, and fake hug,from last year's winner, who has conveniently forgotten to wear a bra and has remembered to wear a dress with handy side access!

You say 'Tennessee", I say "Hooray for side-boobs!"

Actually, I say that pretty much no matter what you say. I think I may need help.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: A good friend of mine hails from godforsaken holler in the state. He likes guns a lot. Other than it being a state occupied by a top-quality blogger, I have no connection. EDITOR'S NOTE: Earl points out that I have neglected to mention Jack Daniel's in this post. While I've probably neglected to mention many other things as well, I should have mentioned Jack as part of my connection to the state, as a glass of JD, neat, is one of the finer things in life. So much better than a cup of sterno. Don't judge me.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No, although I once hooked a friend of mine up with a girl to drive cross-country with, and he kicked her out in Memphis. He didn't get laid either.*

Next up, it's, uh, hmmm. well, the book I'm using to get the order of these states has been misplaced. I think it's West Virginia though, so get ready for a whole bunch of unfortunate cousin-fucking jokes. Notice I said "unfortunate", not "unwarranted."

*He actually kicked her out for being an unbridled lunatic, rather than not putting out.

Oh Right, I Have A Blog

2008-08-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

No posts for 12 days. I think that's a record since I started this little horror show way back when. Of course, in those days I was working for a firm that didn't have much to do, so I could afford to jack around all day on the computer and the internet and the web and those other places John McCain can't find, and still get my work done. Now I can't really do that, and since this blog is still unknown to those I know in the real world, I don't do it from home all that often.

In short, I think that thiongs are going to slow down around here. I could be wrong; I've thought that beofre and then sudden bursts of creativity start flowing. Fine, it happened once OK? Happy now?

Anyway, last week my mother took the kids for a week, so it was adults only at Chez Limpy. Suffice it to say I wasn't going to be doing much writing then. Not when there's that much housecleaning to do! And all the sex. Some of it even with a partner. Don't tell me I'm not a wild man.

This week I've been getting hooked on the Olympics. I try to watch the weird sports like team handball and shit like that. Last night I found myself watching the US men's gymnastics team, more than likely because I'm a huge homosexual, but also becuase they were unexpectedly going for the gold. Then two of them basically fell off the pommel horse, (which sounds dirty but really isn't), and they got a bronze. Which menas they came in third. So they're parading in front of the camera and saying dumb shit like "That's how we roll!" Listen, if you come in third, don't say "that's how we roll" You lost. Twice. Yes, it was a great effort, and yes, no one thought you could do it, but two teams beat you. Have some fucking class.

Of course, I say this knowing that if my gymnastic routine were to be announced on TV it would go like this "Well, Jim, I think where Limpy's routine went wrong was when he jumped up and grabbed the rings, immediately dislocating both shoulders and causing him to fall screaming to the ground, where he shattered his ankle. After that he was pretty much finsihed, but the sobbing and thumb-sucking really had to hurt his artistic score as well."

I'm also trying to read "Guns, Germs & Steel", which purports to explain how the world developed the way it has and why some cultures, (i.e., whitey), has all the power and why other cultures, (i.e., everyone else) does not. Apparently it has something to do with the development of food and handwriting and the like, but I'm not really sure, because it is so fucking boring. I highly recommend not reading it yourself. Frankly, I've always just thought the explanation was that, for better or for worse, that northern Europeans just happen to be really good at killing other people, and sort of enthusiastic about it as well. Especialy if shiny baubles are involved. Or oil.

And this weekend, on the cable TV, my wife and I watched what might have been the worst movie ever made, and is certainly the worst I've ever seen, Shoot 'Em Up. And I say that even though it has Paul Giamatti and Clive Owen in the cast, and they're usually excellent. And of course, it also has Monica Bellucci, in it, who's scalding hot and who I would fuck like you read about, so long as what you read about included the phrase, "prematurely ejaculated as soon as Monica took off her top, then spent the evening sobbing in shame."

And the movie still sucks. There is a good sex scene involving Monica about halfway through that makes up for a lot. But other than that, just skip the damn thing.

OK, that's it for now. I'll get to Tennessee at some point. You've been warned.

South Carolina: Ah Do Declare, Ah Believe Ah've Got The Vapors

2008-07-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Chapter 20 in the newly revived "Know Limpy's States"

South Carolina is the 8th state, ratifying the Constitution on May 23, 1788. If only the country had stayed with the original government document, the Articles of Confederation, South Carolina would have been the first state, and then be as famous as, well, I guess they'd be as famous as Delaware. Of course, if the US had stayed with the good old AOC, we'd be as well governed as Mexico, and these days Canada would be building a great big old fence to keep American migrants from taking jobs from Canadiens.

And Labatt's can only emply so many people at once, eh?

South Carolina was also the first state to leave the Union, seceding on December 20, 1860. Not satisfied with just ripping up pieces of paper, South Carolina then started the shooting portion of the Civil War as well, serranding the Union troops of Fort Sumter with a lovely cannonade on April 12, 1861.

South Carolina is known as "The Palmetto State", and for once I actually know the reason why without looking it up. Give it up for me! Back in olden times, when the United States was but a tiny cog in the British Empire, there was some ugliness about taxes, and representation or lack thereof, and why you shouldn't throw someone else's tea in Boston Harbor while dressed up as Indians. The disagreement got heated to the point that shots were exchanged in various places within the colonies, including South Carolina. The British, who weren't all that great on dry land but who could shoot the shit out of you from the water, tried invading Charleston and shelled the bejesus out of the forts in the harbor. However, said forts weren't made out of the hardwoods, (-snicker- "hardwood"), but instead out of the spongy palmetto wood native to the area. As a result, the wood just absorbed the cannon shot, rather than shattering all over the place and giving the defenders some nasty splinters. To this day South Carolina has a palmetto palm on its flag.

According to Wikipedia, the first settlers were English from Barbados. Clearly this was before air conditioning, as that's pretty much the only reason I can think of to leave Barbados for South Carolina. Where I've never been and don't know what I'm talking about. Also according the same questionable article the largest group of immigrants were African slaves. Now, as I understand the concept of immigration it involves a willing move to a different country to start a new life. It does not mean getting yanked out of your peaceful village, stuffed in a ship's hold for a voyage straight out of Dante and then dropped off in a strange country for a new life full of involuntary servitude.

South Carolina did encourage Jewish immigrants, since they were seen as reliable citizens. Must have been a nice change of pace for the Jews. Up until 1830 South Carolina had the highest percentage of Jewish citizens in the country, but then someone discovered Miami.

South Carolina has had 7 Constitutions since it started writing them back in 1776. An altogether boring fact except that South Carolina is the only state that lists every single permissible reason to get a divorce. See S.C. Const. art. XVII, Section 3. Which is a legal way of saying "look it up yourself; I'm not doing all the work here" The legislature is prohibited from creating new reasons. Some day I need to look that up to see if "The bitch keeps burning the toast" is in there.

There are 4,321,249 people in South Carolina. All of them have a better than average chance of dying from a stroke. If it'd not clear, that link takes you to some boring ass government type paper which purportedly supports the contention that South Carolina has the highest rate of stroke deaths in the country. Somehow, that's not part of the state motto.

The state flower is the yellow jessamine, also known as the Carolina jessamine. This is a picture of what they look like. If this is an error and in fact not a picture of a yellow jessamine, and you feel compelled to point this out, fuck off. What's that? You're a horticulturist and simply can't live with the knowledge that some idiot with a blog that makes things up about states has posted the wrong picture of a plant? Oh, well, in that case, FUCK OFF!!!

We're not revisiting that whole dogwood fiasco again. The state bird is the Carolina wren. I've actually seen one of these things up close, at Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary. That's in Florida. The bird didn't seem all that upset at not being in South Carolina.

The highest point in South Carolina is Sassafrass Mountain, part of the Blue Ridge Mountains in the northwest portion of the state, and standing 3,560 feet high. Also, Sassafrass Mountain is the clubhouse leader so far for "gayest name for a mountain" among the 20 states. Other than homosexual names for mountains, South Carolina does have some neat geographic features such as Carolina Bays, which may have been created by meteor showers, and also the longest blackwater river in the US, the Edisto River. I have no idea if these rivers are given to flying into a rage and shooting civilians.

IF YOU'RE IN SOUTH CAROLINA YOU SHOULD: Golf. It's like mecca for golfers. When I was in college four of my friends were huge golfing fanatics. For spring break they would go to South Carolina to play for a week straight. None of them ever got laid. I'm not sure if there's a connection there. Another friend of mine told me that there was sign at the airport saying "We Love Our Cocks", so if you're a compulsive masturbator, apparnetly this is the state for you. Or they could be talking about their fervent support for their state university.

That would be the gamecocks.

You could also attend a peanut festival, which sounds like a rockin' good time, or attend Brew at the Zoo, which combines the best of drinking alcohol and taunting vicous animals penned up in a cage. Go get 'im big boy!

I'm told Charleston is a beautiful city and well worth checking out for the Old South architecture. Or just chase ghosts through the city. What harm could come from chasing things in white sheets through the south? Frankly, that kind of activity should be encouraged.

It looks a little off-kilter to me, but then, I've been drinking and this could be a sketch rather than a photo. Personally I've never forgiven the city for those wretched Charelston Chew candy bar. Christ those things were awful.

MISS SOUTH CAROLINA LOOKS LIKE THIS: I don't even care what her body looks like. Look at those eyes! What? Airbrushing? Pshaw I say. Next you'll tell me those stories in Penthouse are made up.

Of course, sometimes Miss South Carolina is asked to expound on topics like America's lack of geographic knowledge, and then she looks a little like this , which is to say, a stammering idiot.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO THE STATE: I know some people who live there. Other than that, none whatsoever.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.

Up next, it's Tennessee, home of whiskey, slightly dented houseboats and faisty redheads who will tell me that everything I write about the state is wrong, wrong, wrong!

Here's Your Fucking Dogwood

2008-07-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

North Carolina: Fuck Duke!

2008-07-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Chapter 19 in the you-hoped-I'd-forgotten-about-it-by-now "Know Limpy's States"

North Carolina is the 12th state to enter the Union, ratifying the Constitution on November 21, 1789. The state nickname "The Tar Heel State" is apparently derived from the Civil War, when Stonewall Jackson observed North Carolina soldiers staying in their positions despite taking heavy fire, as though their heels were stuck in tar. Clearly Jackson was impressed by the bravery of the North Carolina soldiery. He was no doubt later less impressed by their brains, as they accidentally shot him, resulting in his subsequent death due to infection, after the Battle of Chancellorsville.

During the Civil War, North Carolina took the first Confederate casualty, (oddly enough a guy named "Henry" and not, as I would have guessed, something like Bufort T. Bumfucknoteeth), during the historic, (to anyone who was actually there) Battle of Big Bethel; got the farthest during Pickett's Charge during the Battle of Gettysburg; got the farthest during the Battle of Chickamauga; and fired the final shots of the Civil War at Appomattox Court House. Somewhat unbeleivably, they managed to fire these last shots without killing Gen. Lee, allowing him to live to a ripe old age and eventually turn into a bright orange car.

Although humans have lived in North Carolina for thousands of years, the first Europeans to explore the area were the Spanish. Apparently they were looking for another route to protect their silver transports from, you guessed it, Mexico. As the article says, putting it mildly, "the Spanish did not realize the distances involved." Fortunately for the chicken processing industry in present day North Carolina, Mexicans have since figured out ways to get to Carolina much quicker.

After the Spanish figured out that legging it from Mexico to North Carolina wasn't the most efficient way to transport anything, the next Europeans to stumble into the area were the English. They established a colony at Roanoke, which later disappeared, leading to one of the "great mysteries" in American history. Personally, to me it's about as much of a mystery as what happened to Amelia Earhart. Her plane ran out of gas and she's in the Pacific food chain. The folks on Roanoke pissed off the local Indians and got swatted like a bunch of pesky fleas.

The Aztecs could have learned something from them.

North carolina is the birthplace of Pepsi-Cola, which is good for dissolving sink clogs, but really shouldn't be used for drinking. Especially when one has access to coke. The soda you freak. And this part is important, so I'm lifting it right from Wikipedia. Wouldn't want it to be more inaccurate than it already is. let's face it kids, I'm OK with insulting entire states, making up historical "facts", and in general engaging in questionable behvior in writing this little opus, but when it comes to barbeque, one simply does not fuck around:

"A nationally-famous cuisine from North Carolina is pork barbecue. However, there are strong regional differences and rivalries over the sauces and method of preparation used in making the barbecue. Eastern North Carolina pork barbecue uses a vinegar-based sauce and the "whole hog" is cooked, thus using both white and dark meat. The "capital" of eastern Carolina barbecue is usually considered to be the town of Wilson, near Raleigh. Western North Carolina pork barbecue uses a ketchup-based sauce and only the pork shoulder (dark meat) is used. The "capital" of western Carolina barbecue is usually considered to be the town of Lexington, south of Winston-Salem. A third type of pork barbecue, using a sauce which is a combination of ketchup and vinegar, is "Shelby" barbecue which is made in the town of Shelby." mmmmmmm, pork barbecue. If only I had a Coke to wash it down with.

There are 8,049,313 people in North Carolina. Some of them play lacrosse. They're also real big on NASCAR and professional wrestling, which, unlike their fascination with BBQ, really isn't something to brag about. Fortunately, they don't seem all that big on hockey, so maybe that fat pigfucker Karmanos will go bankrupt. Go Whalers!

North Carolina is also the home to Duke University. I have known several graduates of Duke. Not a single one of them wasn't a pretentious asshole. I don't know anyone that likes people from Duke, other than other people from Duke. Fuck them.

The state flower is the dogwood.

not to be confused with the Dagwood. Seriously, it's been like 75 years. Retire the comic strip. Or at least show Blondie naked.

North Carolina has a varied geography, from the sand bars of the Outer Banks to the highest point, out on the western border, where Mount Mitchell stands at 6,684 feet , the highest point in the state. And, as far as I know, the highest point east of the Mississippi. (Waits for Tysgirl to correct this.)

The state bird is the cardinal. I think that's like 7 out of 18 states. We get it, it looks pretty. Can't someone take the pigeon and just throw that homely looking thing a bone.

IF YOU'RE IN NORTH CAROLINA YOU SHOULD: Rape and kill Peter Karmanos. However, if getting arrested for buggery and murder isn't your thing, there's no shortage of other things to do. For instance, you're never far from a sporting event, with North Carolina home to professional teams in basketball and football. They also have a hockey team, but you should not, under any circumstances, patronize them or otherwise give them any money. You may, however, give them the finger. With my blessing.

If sports aren't your thing, there's always professional wrestling or NASCAR. Or golf if you're really not athletic.

If you're into men in skirts, (Hello Maggie), there's always Ceud Mile Fáilte and the Grandfather Mountain Highland Games. Nothing says an afternoon well spent than consuming mass quantities of McEwan's Scotch Ale and watching large sweaty men toss telephone poles around.

MISS NORTH CAROLINA LOOKS LIKE THIS:

I'm pretty sure she's the one on the left. Caught by Sheriff Killjoy over there just as she was about to hop a train and get the hell out of North Carolina.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: I've flown through the lovely Charlotte airport on numerous occasions, and once I even went outside. That's about it. Some friends of mine moved down there and found out that Connecticut won't accept your teaching degree from certain North Carolina colleges. That's about it.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No, but only because I turned down that senator in the airport bathroom.

Up next it's South Carolina, because you can never have too many Carolinas. Unlike Dakotas of which one, quite frankly, would have been plenty.

Eastern Promises I Would Have Been OK With Them Not Keeping

2008-07-17T10:47:00.001-07:00

I should be back to more regular writing shortly, after I catch up with all of the work I was blowing off for Little League. But last night I watched the movie "Eastern Promises", and I have to say, if I never see Viggo Mortenson's penis again, it will be too soon.

Not With A Bang So Much As A Whimper

2008-07-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

The title of this post should give you some small idea as to how our team faired in the Pool Championship game. For those of you who can't quite figure it out, let's just say that by the third inning I was really hoping that those looming thunderclouds would open up and we could get a do-over. No such luck.

To make a long story short, we lost 8-1 and it really wasn't that close. To make a long story longer, we were in trouble from the first inning on. Our first hitter got on base due to an error. Our manager had him try to steal on the first pitch to the next batter, even though the last time we played this team their catcher threw out three of our runners. And now he's 4-4. Maybe not the decision I would have made. At any rate, our next two hitters grounded out, foreshadowing our offense for the rest of the day.

We started our potentially best pitcher. And I say "potentially" while really hoping his parents never ever stumble across this atrocity of a blog because while he has million dollar athletic ability, he has a .10 head. I've thrown him out of practice before for being a dick to his teammates, and more problematic for him, and us, if he gets in trouble in a game he can't handle it and starts to sulk. Which I loathe. I am not the manager and due to a number's game I didn't get to sit in the dugout, but if I had been, (and it's probably better for everyone I wasn't since I don't keep my thoughts to myself), he'd have blisters on his ears. From the yelling people; it's not like I'm going to set fire to his ears. Probably.

At any rate, naturally he couldn't find the plate with a road map during the game and issued walks as though he were selling beer the day before Prohibition came back. And when he did find the strike zone, the other team usually hit the ball. Hard. Where our guys weren't.

Let me be clear about this. The other team was flat better than us. All things being equal, no way we win that game. They were bigger, more experienced and more skilled. They deserved to win. Sure, I hope they all get hepatitis this week, (and since they play their games behind the local sewage treatment plant, they could!), but they did deserve to win.

After one inning it was 1-0. After 2, 3-0. After 3, 5-1 (our comeback fell short), after 4 it was 7-1, and after 5, it was 8-1. They didn't bat in the sixth.

As for my son, I thought he played well. In the first inning our catcher tried throwing someone out at second, much less successfully than the catcher for the other team had. He tossed the ball about 4' over the head of our shortstop, who, to be fair, is in fact short. Usually that means the base stealer can get to third, if not actually score. The coach started to yell for him to run, but then noticed that some kid playing centerfield had, by some miracle, actually listened to his own coaches during practice, had run in to back up the play, and was standing there with the ball just begging the kid to try to get third.

In the third inning our pitcher threw a strike and, as had been the pattern, said strike was sent hurtling into centerfield, over the centerfielders head, a sure double, maybe a triple. Suddenly, much to the home team's chagrin, that same goddamn kid in centerfield was seen tracking down the ball, running to where it was going to land, and, perhaps most unsettling of all in a Little League game, actually catching it for an out. Even the other coach yelled "Nice play center"

Our centerfielder is named Kevin, and he's my son.

Then he got pulled out of the game so we could meet league reuirements and make sure our two bench guys got in for three outs and one at bat. Kevin's probably our best outfielder, but he hits 8th for a reason. So, needing offense he and the 9th hitter got pulled . He was pretty upset, but I just explained it was league rules, and while we had to put the other two kids in the field, there was no way we could put them in the infield. They'd be killed. Also I pointed out that regardless of what happened we'd be going to Yankee Stadium the next day and sitting in the front row, so who gave a shit? Cheered him right up.

So naturally, not only did his center-field replacement strike out, (just like Kevin had earlier), but in the 4th inning one of the other hitters hit a line-drive into center. Replacement Boy charges in, the ball bounces towards him, and then, as I had told my brother minutes before was going to happen, the two kept charging in opposite directions. The ball wound up at the fence, two more runs scored, and my son could be heard muttering "No way I miss that" Oh wait, that was me. I think my kid was stealing Gatorade in the dugout.

Next inning the same kid failed to catch an easy pop-up, letting another run score.

I like this kid, but he's been doing this all season, and in fact he did it in warm-ups that day and I had told him he couldn't do it in a game or else something bad would happen. Which is pretty much what did happen, and why Little Leaguers will make you turn to crack.

At any rate, if Kevin stayed in center, it would have been a different outcome. Specifcally, we'd have lost 5-1 instead of 8-1.

So that's the season. Now we'll rest up for a few weeks, and then probably do it all again for Fall Ball.

Now where's Amy Winehouse and my crack?

Season Update!

2008-07-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

Such excitement! I know you've been as anxious to find out how our season is going as I am for it to end.

uh, I mean continue until we win the championship.

The team is 2-1, and unless something goes drastically wrong on Saturday, should steamroll through our last game on Saturday to go 3-1 and then have, uh, I mean "get", to play for the Division Sectional Championship next Tuesday. If we win that, (and we already lost to that team once, but only after blowing a 7 run lead and going to extra innings), we would play yet another game for the right to play for the Divisional Championship. Our Division is broken up into three sections. Before the season Division A got a bye for the first round of the play-offs. We're in B. So if, (and that's a mighty big if), we win B, we then play the champions from C for the right to play A for the whole ball of wax. Got that so far? Yeah, I don't either. What I do know is that the team currently leading C has only played two games, has already scored as many runs as we have in three games, shut one team out, and mercyed both teams they played. So I'm thinking best case scenario, (worst case?), we've got 3 games left. Because I suspect that C is going to roll through the whole division like Mack trucks on a puppy farm.

As for number one son he's playing solid centerfield defense and as for his offense, couldn't hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat. Such is life.

As for coaching, let's just say that if I never have to deal with Little League parents again, it will be too soon. How hard is it to figure out that if you have two unexcused absences, your kid is off the team? You know how you get around that? FUCKING CALL US!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breaking Away

2008-06-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

I will be taking a break from any new posts for the near future. There are no dramatic reasons for it, I'm simply too fucking busy. My son made the All-Star team for his Little League division, and that has become an all-consuming drain on free time and energy. I was asked to help coach, so it's sucking up my time as well. This isn't like the usual town Little League, where you practice a couple of times a week and then play a couple of games. No, we practice every goddamn day for a couple of hours and play games all over our half of the state. If, as a coach, you miss two games you have to resign. Players are expected at every practice and game, and we're already trying to decide how to deal with our best player, who's missed two practices because his parents took him out-of-state for a family wedding. Seriosuly, this kid's like 11. Like he has a choice. But we have to deal with the league, so it becomes an issue. Frankly, the kid should be barred from practice, because if he gets any better the Yankees are going to draft him.

No, before anyone thinks I'm bragging about my kid making the All-Star team, (which I am), we had 12 kids sign up for 13 spots. Everyone makes the team, just like the Special Olympics. And judging from our first couple of practices, that's not all we have in common with the Special Olympics. This Week we play our first game against a neighboring, and much larger town, where they actually have more kids than they do spots, so they pick the best 13 and therefore have an advantage in that their team has, for instance, a second baseman who doesn't feel compelled to dive for ground balls hit slowly right at him. We, um, don't.

Apparently if our team keeps winning we'd be the champions of the entire state and play through the entire summer. Also apparently, it seems more likely we'll play four games and then our won-loss records should be enough to earn us the rest of the summer off. I hope.

The funny thing is my kid didn't even want to do this, instead planning to spend the summer indoors working on his Guitar Hero III skills and driving us nuts. But I said no, signed him up, and was a bit at a loss when he made it. Oh well, at least he'll keep busy outdoors for a few weeks. I, however, will go slowly insane. (er)

Anyway, I'll keep stopping by, but new posts here will be infrequent until the larger towns kick the crap out of us. Good times.

Because Now Cedar Won't Quit

2008-06-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

51. I'm strangely addicted to the show "Deadliest Catch" I have no idea why; it's pretty much the same show every time. Ship goes out, ship catches crab, the waether in the Bering Sea can be rough.
Nonetheless, I watch it every time.

52. I can guarantee that my gravestone will not say "He Wished He Spent More Time At Work"

53. I can't guarantee that it won't say "What A Dick"

54. As I've remarked earlier here, hockey used to be my faovrite sport, (to watch. I can't skate for shit), but I lost interest after Peter Karmanos, that sack of shit, took the Whalers
to Carolina. This year, however, I was able to start watching it again with renewed interest, although I still don't have a favorite team. Whoever it evetually is, it sure as shit won't be the Hurricanes.

54. I can hold a grudge for a long-ass time. And I'll do it. I do not forgive easily.

55. The Stanley Cup
is easily the coolest trophy in all of sports. I'd like to steal it and threaten to melt it into tire rims unless the Whalers are returned.

56. I wasn't kidding about the grudge.

57. I am very bad with new technology. Answering my cell phone without electorcuting myself is cause for rejoicing. I would be much better at these things if I read the directions. But I don't.

58. I am over-competitive to a fault. An ex-girlfriend once got mad at me because I would n't let anyone else on my team, including her father, answer questions in "Trivial Pursuit"
My response? "Yeah, but we won."

59. If I had to pick a favorite porn star, (and thanks to late night Cinemax reruns, I don't!), it would have to be Savannah Samson. Also, I really hate the filters on my work computer right now.

60. I think panda bears are cool.

61. I am running out of ideas.

62. When I was about 12, a rock hit me right in the mouth, knocking a permanent tooth out and resulting in my taking 50 stitches in the lips. Which really fucking hurts.

63. In a related note: Hey kids! That broken down dam down the street from your house? The one you and your friends are going to ride your bikes to and then climb up? Yeah, about that. Don't do it.

64. I love snow. There's no such thing as too much of it. But then, I don't live in Colorado.

65. I work out a lot. It's my outlet. As a result I don't have much stress and I'm in pretty good shape for a guy pushing 40.

66. Also as a result of #65, here's a list of body parts that currently give me at least occasional trouble: right foot, right knee, right groin, low back, left hand, left elbow, left shoulder. I think I'm falling apart diagonally.

67. Lately I've been trying to improve my gas mileage by coasting down any good-sized hill, and driving at or near the posted speed limit, as opposed to my usual 80 mph. As a result, I've been getting 490 miles per tank, as opposed to the 380 or so I was getting. Feel free to make use of that yourself.

68. One of the bravest things I've ever done was to charge into a swarm of white-faced hornets
to get my first dog off his line, where he was under attack.

69. White-faced hornets hurt like a motherfucker.

70. The best places to swim are always illegal. I swim in them anyway. And bring my kids.

71. I'm currently reading "The Fatal Shore", afine novel explaining why one should never trust an Austrailian. Actually a very good book. This is my second trip through it.

72. I want to put solar panels on my house, becuase I'm not real eager to find out how much my electircal bill is going to be in the future.

72. I was raised Catholic, but have long since fallen away from the church.

73. I can't beat my son at Halo3.

74. I kick the crap out of him at NHL '08.

75. Today I went to a funeral for the mother of a person I don't particularly like. But her husband is one of my best friends and I went because it was the right thing to do. If my kids learn nothing else from me, I want them to learn to do that.

76. I think that most of the world's problems could be easily solved if we just addressed the problem of over-population. To that end I support the elimination of groups of undesirables. And I'd like to suggest we start by eliminating wacky drive-time radio DJs.

77. I wasn't kidding about the population thing. If we don't slow things down, everything else means dick.

78. I like to sweat. Make of that what you will.

79. I'd like to see some lurkers comment about this. You know who you are.

80. Oh dear go there are 20 more of these to go. Hey, if I type that 19 more times...

81. When I was a kid I used to love to read the historic battles section of The People's Almanac. I probably knew a lot more about the Battle of Agincourt than any other 12 year old.

82. Yes, I am a nerd.

83. When Little League season ends I'm going to join my friend's gym and learn to box. Can you say mid-life crisis?

84. One of my favorite comic strips is the old Bloom County, (the new/returned one is just OK), with Opus and Milo and Co. One of my faovrites is an exchange between Opus and Milo when Opus is going on a date. Milo asks him if he's got his wallet and Opus gets all snooty and says 'Sir, money cannot buy you love" and Milo
responds, "No, but it does improve your bargaining position. Here's $10." I always liked Milo.

85. The best comic strip ever was "Calvin & Hobbes" If you disagree I will fight you.

86. I take my comics pretty seriously. In fact, its the only reason I haven't canceled my subscription to our local paper, which increasingly seems to be run by high-schoolers.

87. I wish I knew about Tom Waits and his song "Long Way Home" when my wife and I debated the song for our first dance. You'll be happy to know I managed to rule out a Tiffany song.

88. There is no better candy bar than a Kit Kat. If you disagree, I will not fight you, but will just figure "more for me" and probably munch my way into a diabetic coma.

89. I have a picture of my wife in a bikini in my office.

90. Right now I find the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue a little boring. If you're going to do porn, just do porn. quit kidding us. But in high school that thing was more precious than gold. I think Kathy Ireland made me realize I had hit puberty.

91. Shit, I just had a good one and now I can't remember it.

92. I think this is one of the creepiest things ever. I would, however, have liked to handle the cross-examination. "So, nothing to say for yourself eh? I think that speaks volumes! Your witness."

93. I type in the "Hunt & Peck", two-fingered style, but still do it pretty quickly.

94. I'm always amazed when people are concerned about what other people, who they don't know, think about them. Which is short-hand for telling anyone out there you can say whatever you want about me here. I promise not to lose any sleep over it.

95. I know how to ride a horse. Haven't done it for awhile though.

96. One of the best things about our yard is that every couple of summers a snapping turtle lays eggs in the pines in the side yard. If we find her afterwards we always throw her in a wheelbarrow and give her a ride back to her pond.

97. One of my favorite Xmas gifts ever was the canoe I got two years ago.

98. I won't set up my Xmas tree until Xmas Eve. People with Xmas trees up the day after Thanksgiving are weird.

99. The first 50 of these were definitely more interesting, weren't they?

100. But fortunately, we're done now.

"Is This Heaven" "No it's Iowa"

2008-06-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Found this over at Nick's. I liked it, so I stole it. Pretty self-explanatory.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was just enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and the dog had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my dog come in too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" he asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," he said, "the man down the road said that was heaven too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the jerks who'll leave their dogs behind."

Why I Shouldn't Coach Your Kid: Part Infinity +1

2008-06-09T08:11:00.001-07:00

Last night, after the thunderstorms had cleared and the temperature was back up to about 93, we had Little League practice, to which a total of 4 kids, (who are going to start tonight), showed up. One of them is the manager's son. I was throwing batting practice. He likes to talk crap, so as he walked up the batter's box he announces that if I hit him he's going to charge the mound "like Coco Crisp."

I hit him with the first pitch.

I could totally kick Coco's ass anyway.

(Cedar, I'm in the mid-70's! Hang on!)