Thursday, February 23, 2006

Powerball Update

I was reading the paper this morning over my usual bowl of cheerios and fresh cut strwaberries mixed with blood from my thumb because I can't be trusted with pointy metal things, and I noticed the lead story was about 8 people coming forward to claim the BIGGEST LOTTERY JACKPOT EVER!!! It seems that there are 8 of them, they all work in the same HAM PROCESSING PLANT, (there's a pattern here, trust me), and everytime the lottery goes over a certain amount they all kick in $5 and buy 40 tickets. Fine. If anyone other than me has to WIN $365 MILLION I'm glad it was the kind of people that work in a HAM PROCESSING PLANT and not an 88 year old person who can only will it to their next of kin or else some richie-rich type who bought $100 worth of tickets on a whim.

Here's the kicker.

Three of the eight say that they're going back to work.

IN A HAM PROCESSING PLANT. WHEN THEY EACH HAVE $15.5 MILLION, AFTER TAXES!!

Now the reason for the capitalization becomes apparent. I mean, let's face it, I have a job where, as you might have noticed, I have a fair amount of freedom in deciding what to do at any given moment. I can pretty much come and go as I please. I am pretty much bullet-proof and invisible, but only to myself and only after too much tequila, (i.e., every other day). I have turned down higher paying offers because this job gives me more flexibility and more time with the family, (or, as I call them, "Me First and the Gimme Gimmes), (and yes, I did steal that name from a band. So what?), but I would not heistate for one millisecond to walk away if I won even a third of that kind of money. And I ain't processing ham. I've never done that, but I have worked on a poultry farm, and I gotta believe that turning pig carcasses into something that the rest of us will call ham and cook for our families is the sort of job that most of the world would say sucks ass. And if you're rolling into work each morning at the local ham processing plant in your spanking new Porsche, I have to believe that the other workers, who didn't win, are going to be thinking up ways to process your dumb ass with the ham. And you know what? You're going to deserve it.

I suggest we all avoid the ham for the next few months.

6 Comments:

Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Here’s a coincidence: we both had the same breakfast, but mine was without the fruit.

I hadn’t noticed that three of the winners said they were going back to work at their same jobs. Like you, I don’t understand this. They must love their work to an extraordinary degree—much more than I would!

9:19 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

Ok, this random bit of information is from my past. I used to date a guy who trained dogs (police, tracking, search and rescue). He said that the scent they used to train the dogs (which most closely simulated human decomposition) was pig carcass.

You might not even notice the different taste in the ham....I'm just saying.....what? Too gross?

9:58 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Thank you Soozie. I'm going to start eating veal again, and it's all your fault.

10:30 AM  
Blogger little sister said...

mmmm, veal, my favorite butchered baby animal ;-)

$15.5 Million after taxes? I guess they need it for all the crack they're smoking!

12:58 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Unless I owned the ham processing place...no way would I go back to work there.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Ranea said...

I guarantee no one would see me again if I won the lottery. Except my boss when I strolled in around noon to tell him where to put my resignation letter:)

3:03 PM  

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