Losing Is Nature's Way of Saying "You Suck"

I picked up that title from a book called "Blue Latitudes" by a guy named Tony Horowitz. Go buy it, or better yet, grab a seat in Borders and just read the whole thing there on their dime. Then put the book back and walk out. They love it when people do that.

But the line does have a connection with this thought, which is about the kids who got caught burning churches in Alabama. Now, this may shock you, but I am not a religious man. No, no, it's OK, I'll pause for a moment while you catch your breath. Need a beer? No? OK, we press on.

I am not a fan of Alabama either, and a part of me wishes that the damn stars would hurry up and fall on that state, especially the strip mall section of Brimingham, to which I was confined for work related seminars for a week or so last summer. Thereby prejudicing me against an entire state that probably deserves better but isn't going to get it because I like making snap judgments based on small amounts of information and then refusing to budge from my ill-advised positions. Much like a typical Bush voter.

Sorry, I couldn't resist that.

But even with my disdain for organized religion and ill-supported but possibly correct disdain for Alabama in general, I was somewhat taken aback to learn the source of all the church fires in that there state. Seems three college students set the first four as part of a prank "that got out of hand", then set the next five to cover their tracks. Which is ironic since apparently their tire tracks at the scenes got them busted.

Now, when I was in college, I was one of the chief pranksters in my dorm. Water balloon attacks, sodding the bathroom floor, running sex dolls up the flag pole, all sorts of immature humor that makes college great. But I can't remember even one instance when my friends and I were sitting around, gazing at the empty containers of our alcohol sources, and anyone said, "Y'know what would be great? Torching a church!" No one came up with that idea. And I'm glad. Because it's not funny. It's arson. People die in fires. No one dies because there's an inflatable sheep on the flag pole or a freshly laid bed of sod in the men's room.

Actually, they really should have kept that around. It felt good to sit on the throne with the morning paper and run your toes through the grass. But nooooooo.

To sum up, college pranks that involve burning down churches are not funny and you're a dipshit if you do that and you deserve to get your dumb ass caught and thrown in jail if you do.

Unless it's Fred Phelps's church, in which case I'll not only drive, but I'll bring the matches, the gasoline and pay to change the tires afterwards. Fuck you Fred.