Thursday, March 09, 2006

Losing Is Nature's Way of Saying "You Suck"

I picked up that title from a book called "Blue Latitudes" by a guy named Tony Horowitz. Go buy it, or better yet, grab a seat in Borders and just read the whole thing there on their dime. Then put the book back and walk out. They love it when people do that.

But the line does have a connection with this thought, which is about the kids who got caught burning churches in Alabama. Now, this may shock you, but I am not a religious man. No, no, it's OK, I'll pause for a moment while you catch your breath. Need a beer? No? OK, we press on.

I am not a fan of Alabama either, and a part of me wishes that the damn stars would hurry up and fall on that state, especially the strip mall section of Brimingham, to which I was confined for work related seminars for a week or so last summer. Thereby prejudicing me against an entire state that probably deserves better but isn't going to get it because I like making snap judgments based on small amounts of information and then refusing to budge from my ill-advised positions. Much like a typical Bush voter.

Sorry, I couldn't resist that.

But even with my disdain for organized religion and ill-supported but possibly correct disdain for Alabama in general, I was somewhat taken aback to learn the source of all the church fires in that there state. Seems three college students set the first four as part of a prank "that got out of hand", then set the next five to cover their tracks. Which is ironic since apparently their tire tracks at the scenes got them busted.

Now, when I was in college, I was one of the chief pranksters in my dorm. Water balloon attacks, sodding the bathroom floor, running sex dolls up the flag pole, all sorts of immature humor that makes college great. But I can't remember even one instance when my friends and I were sitting around, gazing at the empty containers of our alcohol sources, and anyone said, "Y'know what would be great? Torching a church!" No one came up with that idea. And I'm glad. Because it's not funny. It's arson. People die in fires. No one dies because there's an inflatable sheep on the flag pole or a freshly laid bed of sod in the men's room.

Actually, they really should have kept that around. It felt good to sit on the throne with the morning paper and run your toes through the grass. But nooooooo.

To sum up, college pranks that involve burning down churches are not funny and you're a dipshit if you do that and you deserve to get your dumb ass caught and thrown in jail if you do.

Unless it's Fred Phelps's church, in which case I'll not only drive, but I'll bring the matches, the gasoline and pay to change the tires afterwards. Fuck you Fred.


Blogger Big Pissy said...

Limpy, this is alllllll over the news here in Alabama, as you can imagine.

I, too, was shocked that it was college students who'd set the fire. And theatre majors at that!!! WTF! Shouldn't they be braiding each other's hair or something! Dumb asses!

I don't like living in Alabama for many reasons. I won't go into it on your blog. But one of the major reasons is b/c of dumbs asses like these. And watch their rich mamas and daddies get 'em off on some technicality. another thing I hate about Alabama...

Good post!

p.s. I think sod in the bathroom would be cool! ;-)

11:58 AM  
Blogger little sister said...

Who the fuck is Fred Phelps?

Yeah, I was totally shocked to learn the church burnings were FUCKING PRANKS!?!?! Since when is that a funny thing to do? I'm never going to understand that, and I'm a Buddhist/pagan who is slightly out of the broom closet, and I still don't believe there's a good reason for burning ANY church. Or, as you said, it was arson, and for that there is no good reason. And they set MORE fires to distract the authorities! What were their SAT scores? 20?

If I believed in hell, I'd wish those asshats would burn there. My beliefs notwithstanding, according to Don Miguel Ruiz, we create our own hell; thus, the little scumbags set their own hellfire. hehehe...

The two people I know from Alabama are actually pretty cool, but I've never been to Alabama, so I'm guessing your opinion is justified ;-)

12:08 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I'll bring the lighter if we're going after Phelps.

I totally understand big pissy's distaste for rich parents bailing out their kids. I really do. Being the beneficiary of said bailing will give you a whole different perspective, trust me.

Now, since I couldn't find an email for you, limpy - I'll just park my ass here in your comments for a minute. I don't know why I'm only now realizing that you have a blog. A funny one, i might add.

Thanks for linking to me, I have reciprocated with pleasure. You are a welcome participant at Adrenaline's Shadow, I needed a little testosterone over there. Plus, I really like evil playmates ;)

12:23 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Syd: If it's testosterone you want, testosterone you shall have. I know Barry Bonds. Well, I know he uses steroids anyway.

Lil Sis: First, start writing again. Second, Fred Phelps is a major asshole who has a "church" in Kansas who spends most of hsi time scraming about homosexuals and why they should all be killed to save America. He lives in Kansas. I dislike Kansas far more than Alabama, and people like Fred are the reason why. Fred probably just needs to suck a big cock and realize his true self.

I really, really hate Fred.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

I hate organized religion too. Why is it that they all say you are going to hell if you don't believe what they say, but they all pray to the same God? To top it off, they all say God is loving and come organized religion isn't?

Okay, I'm off my soapbox now. Don't be sending hate mail all.

1:15 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

I've got a spare set of studded snows we can use. C'mon... protesting funerals?? Dude is wack.

Oh, and sod in the bathroom would work if you had skylights. It might be helpful if the fire alarm sprinkler system had a manual override as well. Great idea!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

yea, the sod idea is cool. until the cat discovers it.

2:53 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I cannot believe anyone would believe those were "pranks". That's just insane.

"I pushed a person in a wheelchair down some stairs as a PRANK! Ha ha, funny huh?"


"I just kicked you in the ball sac, slapped your ass on your way down and kicked you in the back of the head because of YOUR prank! Ha ha, FUNNY huh?"

I haven't been to Alabama so I can't comment on that, but *some* people are just so fucking stupid it's scary.

The sod? Very cool. Except that my Dog would defecate in it which would be so NOT cool.

Let the record state that I neither pushed anyone down stairs nor beat anyone up for pushing anyone down stairs. That was all made up, right here, on the spot.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Oh, and just to clarify...just because I don't like organized religion does not mean I would go burn a church down. That's not cool.

6:32 AM  
Blogger LouLaughlin said...

So how do you mow the bathroom?

9:04 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Lou: The cleaning crew comes in and rips it all up two days later. No mowing needed. Damn them and their short-sighted little souls.

11:02 AM  

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