Friday, March 03, 2006

An Open Letter

Dear Person Who Cut Me Off:

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for the opportunity you gave me to test my reflexes this morning. Truly, your unanticipated, nay, even reckless, disregard for all that is holy, to say nothing of most traffic laws known to mankind, provided me with a chance to demonstrate driving skills I didn't know I had. When you pulled out from that side street, despite my bearing down on you at nearly 40 mph, as though you could not even see my car from less than 100 yards away, you had my attention. But to do that knowing full well that the roads were covered with last night's snow and slush, well sir, you had my admiration. It takes a near total disregard for one's own safety, to say nothing of the safety of those around you, to make a move like that. I was in awe, and I'd like to think that you took my shouted exclamations at that point in the appreciative manner that I meant them, rather than in the disparaging manner that they could perhaps have been interpreted.

But you weren't done there, were you sir? No, not you. While others would have been satisfied at having suddenly accelerated into the path of oncoming traffic, causing them to slam on their brakes and fight their vehicle's natural urge to fishtail into oncoming traffic, averting a chain reaction collision more by luck than anything else, you weren't done yet. And that's what spearates you from the amateurs. Once you had accelrated and caused my own and the two vehicles behind me to hit our brakes and skid through slush and snow, your next move, ah, sir, your next move was c'est magnifique. You slowed down. Truly, those of us behind your car knew, knew, we were dealing with a master. It's one thing to cut someone off and make them skid, but to then slow you car down to the point that a Kenyan runner could zip by on the uphill portion of a marathon, that sir, takes nerves of steel and a presence of mind that few of can ever hope to attain.

As you slowed down to turn into the supermarket a mere 30 seconds from your sudden emergence from the side street, I was able to pass your car on the left. In observing your apparent age, I was left with the distinct impression that you chose to drive as you do because you are in a hurry to get wherever it you're going as fast as possible, because you're fast running out of time to get anywhere at all regardless of speed. I can only appreciate such zest for life and overwhelming detrmination not to be hampered by the rules of the road or basic common courtesy, and I hope you took my horn signal and raised finger in the manner in which it was intended. You are indeed number 1 in my eyes.

In closing, may I again extend my compliments in the manner I extended them this morning, in saying "GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK!!!"

I remain your humble servant.

9 Comments:

Blogger Pud said...

Ahhhh, the morning commute! Isn't it grand!

So how old was the guy?

3:07 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

That was beautiful, man.

4:23 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I'd guess he was in his mid-70's. Not that old these days, but with his driving skils every day on this earth is a total crap shoot.

10:24 AM  
Blogger LouLaughlin said...

Your story gave me and my girlfriend a great chuckle... No an out right laugh... Glad you survived, and saluted him properly!

Later
Lou

4:18 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I used to say short, directive prayers for dudes who drive like that. You, like “damn you” and “go to hell.” Unfortunately, those prayers seemed to raise my blood pressure to unhealthy highs (and I have low blood pressure); they were also so pejorative!

Then I learned a simple prayer from one of the books in the Life 101 series: “May sacred light shine on the driver of the _______ car for the greatest possible good.” I can fantasize that “the greatest possible good” may include that driver having his license revoked—or maybe even going to hell.

6:04 PM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Very well said ... all too well. I've been there, and I'm not sure I would have the wherewithall to channel my energy into such a clever -- and witty -- response. Thanks for speaking for all of us!

(If only that jackass were reading this!)

-- david

1:34 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

Heh. I used to live down the road from a "Retirement Community". My life was in danger just making the 2 minute trek to the grocery store.

I love the last line.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Ranea said...

There is nothing like road rage to get your blood pumping in the morning. :)

11:17 AM  
Blogger LouLaughlin said...

My "non computer oriented" girlfriend, loved this post, and called me today from work to ask "how to find your story" today. So even though you didn't get a comment from them, about a dozen women at our local hospital's recovery room, read and probably enjoyed this story...

Of course the jealous part of me is "put out" that she didn't share any my posts... She doesn't take pictures of naked women either... so I guess I am twice as jealous?

11:10 AM  

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