Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Why Isn't He Dead?

I may have to re-open "The Douchebag of the Year" contest I mentioned awhile back. Last night I saw Geraldo Rivera on Bill O'Reilly's show. For the record I saw an outtake of the show on The Daily Show, which is where I get all my news from. I wouldn't watch O'Reilly on a bet. But Geraldo, who is one of the most loathsome individuals on the face of the earth, is talking about the Duke lacrosse/stripper rape thing, and says something along the lines of "It's not always the nuns that get raped, sometimes its the strippers."

What? Did he seriously say that? And if so, why? What possible point is there? Is he saying its worse for a nun to be raped than a stripper? Is he confessing a fetish for nuns? Does he think that moustache on his face looks good and doesn't look like a hairy lamprey just glommed on to his upper lip and is now sucking out what remains of his life essence?

After pondering this for a few moments, (because pondering anything Geraldo Rivera says for more than a few moments is a tremendous waste of time), I came to two conclusions. First, there is no god, becuase if there was neither nuns nor strippers would be raped, but Geraldo Rivera would be, preferably by rabid Tibetan yaks, and second, Geraldo himself doesn't know what that means but as it ran through his head the hamster fell off the wheel that operates his brain, thereby causing him to think it was a statement of great profundity, and he spit it out before the hamster could get things rolling again.

On a related note, The Daily Show made an excellent point. There is no reason this Duke thing should be national news. It concerns the accused and her accusers. Not the rest of us. It's like slowing down to watch a car wreck aftermath to anyone not involved directly. People like Geraldo thrive on that, so I beg of all of us, stop watching this shit.

And if anyone knows where I can buy some rabid yaks, please let me know.


Blogger Ranea said...

What a c**ksucker! I am scanning E-bay as we speak for your Yaks.Kisses:D

11:24 AM  
Blogger shellibells said...

Geraldo is a cocknocker!

11:52 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Well said. All of it.

1:45 PM  
Blogger little sister said...

Rabid yaks...don't know of any, but I'll get the word out. This is absolutely a worthy cause!

I feel really bad for that hamster. What could a poor defenseless hamster do to deserve living in GR's head? You're right - there is no god.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Geraldo is an ass and always has been. As one who has dated two strippers in my not-so-illustrious dating career, I’ll say that neither has ever invited being raped, although one of them was, and if I ever catch the two bastards who did it I can only hope that my actions will be seen by the law as justifiable homicide.

As for nuns, I have also met three nuns who were raped in South America. What was done to them was horrendous, especially since it was done by policemen.

That brings me to my point: rape is nothing to joke about. It’s bloody serious and harmful and malicious—much too serious and harmful and malicious for an idiot such as Geraldo to ever comment upon.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I gotta go against the grain here in support of Geraldo. Not on the rape issue but just the whole entertainment factor and you never know what whacky shit the dude is gonna do or say. Geraldo's one of a kind and I would much rather watch him than Bill O'Reilly - now he's a supreme cocktoaster.

4:32 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Sounds like Geraldo needs to get hit by a chair again. Remember that incident from the 80's? Yeah, he needs to relive it. Only by a Yak this time.

4:35 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Thats such a typical dumbass statement from him. And that mustache gives me the willies...but not in a good way:)

4:54 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

What are rabit yaks?

He sounds like a tosser.

6:10 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Geraldo has been a joke for years.

I'm with Pud.

Somebody needs to hit him with a chair again.

Only harder this time.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Tiffanie said...

I can't stand Geraldo. One of my favorite moments is when his nose got smashed in! I never laughed so hard.

7:33 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

JD: It's RABID, not rabit. A rabid yak would be a large, hairy, horned, four-legged creature, foaming at the mouth and blind with the pain and rage that the rabies disease brings with it. In other words, the perfect blind date for Geraldo.

9:25 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I don't have a rabid yak, but I'd gladly lend you my Freaktard Dog. He gets his panties in a wad over various things....such as:

~ Boxes being pushed around on the floor
~ Dusters (you know, like the kind that go with French Maid outfits)
~ Ladders

By "panties in a wad" I mean he will ATTACK anyone near these items.

Therefore if we can stage any of the following scenarios:

~ Geraldo pushing boxes around on the floor

~ Geraldo using a duster (French Maid's outfit NOT necessary)

~ Geraldo on a ladder

Then you will get the following outcome:

80 lb dog hanging from one of his extremities and lots of puncture wounds most likely as my dog does NOT understand the concept of "bite and release" but more the concept of "bite,bite,bite,bite". Imagine someone eating corn on the cob and you can visualize my Freaktard of a Dog.

2:39 PM  
Blogger CP said...

I have two rabid yaks in my backyard left over from the slumber party. Let them ass rape Geraldo and then, shoot them to put them out of their misery.

They'll never live it down, having to tell the other yaks that they screwed Geraldo.

The shame it will bring upon them. Better yet, have a nun fuck Geraldo. It will be a service to the Lawd almighty.

I bet a moustache ride from him would be kinda fun though.


10:57 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...

Geraldo AND Bill O'Reilly on the same program? That is waaaaay too much asshole in a confined space. I actually hate Bill more than Geraldo. But yeah, Geraldo is a total cockpuppet.

4:46 AM  
Blogger Madame D said...

My favorite moment in Geraldo History was last year, about this time, actually, when there was a penisectomy done by an ex-girlfriend up in Alaska, and hearing him say "member" was one of the finest moments of my life.
My gram and I laughed ourselves silly over that.

11:33 PM  

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