Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I Will Gladly Give Up My Left Nut For This

While watching the season finale of "24" last night I learned two things. The first is that after 23 hours and 45 minutes of watching elite American mercenaries try and fail repeatedly to capture and/or kill Jack Bauer, it took three Chinese agents a whopping 11 minutes to grab him, beat him bloody and then stuff his ass on a cargo ship bound for Shanghai. Let me tell you America, if we can't do better than the Chinese at neutralizing super-agents, we are not going to be able to compete here in the 21st Century.

It did also occur to me that Audrey Raines must be one hell of a pain in the ass if Jack is willing to first fake his own death and disappear for 18 months and then after being reuninted with her for 10 minutes lets himself get captured by the Chinese. But I digress.

The second thing I learned, from watching the commericals, is that American Idol ends this week. This makes me happy. But I would give my left nut, (and I fully realize that this is hardly much of an incentive), for one of the contestants to come out and, instead of crooning through some insipid ballad, launch right into the Dead Kennedy's "Too Drunk To Fuck", then throw down the microphone and walk off the stage. I would raise funds to make up for whatever prize money they lost. And I guarantee they'd be more famous than any of the other graduates of that show. I can only hope.

In the meantime, all together now:

"You gave me head,
You made it worse,
Take out your fucking retainer,
Put it back in your purse,
'Cuz I'm too drunk to fuck, too drunk to fuck, too drunk to fuck."

Can you tell I liked that song in 7th grade?


Blogger KC said...

I totally agree! After a day of the prez almost shooting down Jack and terrorists almost gassing him, the Chinese somehow find out about Jack, infiltrate the base where Palmer's body was being moved, and grab Jack -- undetected -- and make off with him to a cargo ship at the port. Of course, Henderson being totally cooperative on the sub was equally unbelievable. I guess he didn't want his wife nuked.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

That's why I don't watch 24....it is unbelievably unrealistic.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I lump 24 into the same category as Lost - shows I tuned into early on for about ten minutes and knew it wasn't my thing. Plus, who the hell wants to watch anything with Keifer Sutherland.

I like your Dead Kennedy's American Idol idea...I'd request they do it with the Buzzcocks classic Orgasm Addict.

11:55 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Great song choice, the only lyric I recall off the top of my head is

"But you still keep on beatin' your meat to pulp and you're an orgasm addict."

11:57 AM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Oo, "Too Drunk to Fuck"...good choice.
I have a TDTF shirt that I've never worn...it was too small when I bought it, but it was too cool to NOT buy.
And I've been dragging it around for 9 years now.

12:21 PM  
Blogger shellibells said...

Save the world Jack B...or not!

"uh huh, uhhhhh you're makin' out with school kids, winos and heads of state. you even made it with the lady, who puts the little plastic bobins on the christmas cakes."

Sweet choice! I would encourage as well as add to those funds...as much as I may not have much to offer, just to hear that.

Thanks for the laugh.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Brighton said...

I danced on stage to that once...

3:04 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Brighton, you'll have to clarify, prefrabbly with pictures, as to whether it was "Too Drunk Too Fuck" or "Orgasm Addict". I'm betting on The Buzzcocks, b/c I can't see anyone dancing to the DK's.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I'm amazed at how many people commenting on your blog know the Buzzcocks song. Quite impressive. I might have to stick around a while.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...

Dude, you crack my shit up. I don't even watch "24" but you had me laughing.

The Idol idea is awesome! If only some brave soul would have the guts.

6:16 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Since some of the talking-head financial wizards are projecting that China will surpass the U.S. as the world’s leading economy in the next decade, it’s probably appropriate that their agents can do in 15 minutes what U.S. agents couldn’t do in 45 minutes. At least, in fiction.

I wouldn’t give my left nut, even though, since I’ve been “fixed,” it doesn’t serve a lot of purpose; however, I would love to see some American Idol contestant raise his or her middle figure to the show, figuratively or otherwise.

5:20 PM  

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