Monday, May 15, 2006

Why I Shouldn't Coach Your (Or Anyone Else's) Kid

As most of you know, I coach Little League for my son's team. I volunteered as an assistant and slowly sort of took over. Like a fungal rash of some kind. Some of you have commented that you hope your kids get a coach like me, because I put the kids first, I don't care if we win or lose, and because I am amazingly good looking and you need some eye candy during games.

I made up that last part.

At any rate, here's why you don't want me to coach your kids.

We had our first game on Saturday. We're a travel team, not beause we're good, but because we had to put together three towns to have enoguh teams to make a halfway decent league. Naturally, it rained all day Friday and most of Saturday, but because it only drizzled mot of Satruday, the powers that be decalred "game on." Our head coach was in Syracuse for some reason, so I was in charge. I scout the field hours in advance and find the following things about it.

a) it's hard to find.

b) it's behind a cemetery.

c) it does not appear anyone has been on the field in some time, but judging from the tracks in the mud a heron is playing first base.

d) there is a locked gate in front of the field, so that anyone who wants to go to the field has to climb over fence to the cemetery.

This is not promising. We return a few hours later for the game. It's my son and another kid. No sign of another team. Slowly other kids from our squad start trickling in. I start hitting balls to the kids in the field. Still no other team. We start hitting practice. The way I run hitting practice is that the kids rotate through all the positions, with the first baseman being the next to hit. So everyone gets to play all the positions.

Even Tyler.

Tyler really wants to play first base, but the offical coach doesn't let him. Just because he can't catch and will probably get hit in the skull. Not a problem for me. This is what happens.

Me: "OK, Matt your up, Tyler go take first, everyone else shift to the right."

Tyler: "Um, the other coach doesn't let me play first base. He said I'll get hit in the face with the ball."

Me: "Elton John had that same problem and he's made millions. Go play 1st Tyler, and keep your glove up."

Tyler: "Who's Elton John?"

Me: "He used to play for the Indians, now scoot."

Tyler's father almost had a seizure trying not to laugh, and I am pleased to report that Tyler didn't get hit at all. Of course, he didn't catch any either, but that's work for next week.

The other team never showed up and we are undefeated. The kids wanted to know if the people from the cemetery were going to show up, and I told them they would show at midnight and we'd play for brains.


Blogger eclectic said...

That's it--I'm having you cloned. How do you feel about AAU?

8:55 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I don't. I don't know enough about it to really have an opinion. What I know from peripheral involvement doesn't thrill me.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Elton John!?! You couldn't come up with someone who actually plays sports???

Never-the-less, you did get your point across.

9:17 AM  
Blogger miss_lissa said...

ok, the elton john and balls in the face giggle is what I needed this morning (long boring number crunching meeting..zzzzzzz...)

btw, I wandered over from Pud's site & enjoyed the read. I'll be back to read more.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

you're too funny...

11:14 AM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Oh god, that's hilarious.
Elton John AND playing for brains.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

heh! Elton John! *LOL*

3:37 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Good stuff! You ought to be promoted to head coach.

I'm loving my coaching duties so far on third base. Lot's of action over there. I play super aggressive, always waiving in the kids, even when it's illegal. The other team's coach always gets pissed at me and tells on me to the umpire who usually makes my player return to third base. My players never get tagged out at home.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...

This story just solidifies my feelings that I'd like you to be my son's coach. The kids get to actually play and the parents get to laugh at the psychotic things you say.

6:23 AM  
Blogger Tai said...


2:22 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Undefeated? Keep up the good work. At the very least your team found the field—if it was the correct field (I almost wrote “right field,” but that sounded too confusing.

Tell Tyler not to worry about playing 1st base. I did—for w while—when I was a kid and could catch either.

As one who coached his son in a soccer league for three years, I can identify with the problems of having one’s own child on the team one coaches.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

brilliant comment, the Elton John thing. LMAO!

9:06 AM  
Blogger shellibells said...

Huh, you should come coach girls softball....

I mean, we are doing fine on our own, but hey, anything for a little eye candy!

12:53 PM  

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