Tuesday, May 30, 2006

You'll Never Guess Where This One Winds Up

I'm driving home on Sunday night and a radio station comes on that's playing some 80's retrospective. I'm listening for awhile, entertained by some really awful music and thinking that bands like Slade and The Psychedelic Furs never really got their due. Although the Furs did make a pile of money whoring their best somg out for the movie 'Pretty in Pink', so maybe they did.

Nina Blackwood is the DJ, and if memory serves she was one of the first MTV VJ's, kind of the whore to Martha Quinn's wholesome, girl-next-door image. Which in turn makes Mojo Nixon's song "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin" even better. Nina has some trivia thing on about what year in the 80's three things happened, none of which I remember right now, (possibly because I was drunk through most of the later part of that decade), but I do remember her saying that the right answer was 1989. And that because of these three things 1989 was a very important year. Which it was, but not for those reasons. No it was important because that was the year I finally stopped being a virgin.

Raise your hand if you saw that plot twist coming.

New Year's Eve, 1988. At a frat party where my roommate was a brother. With a girl I'd met a few weeks before during a snowball fight when I hit her right in the crotch with a snowball. I was so drunk that after midnight I don't think I could have put a carrot in a washtub, let alone my pertinent parts into her pertinent parts, and there is a distinct possibility that I lost my cherry to the mattress, but by daybreak I had become a man. A man with a bad hangover sleeping naked next to a girl in the lounge of a frat house, albeit one with a locked door. It was as classy as it sounds, and I'll never forget it. You'll be shocked to know that we broke up a few weeks later, although we did manage to do it a few more times before it ended. Fortunately, the emotional scarring was kept to a minimum by the lack of any real emotional attachment by either party.

Let that be a lesson to all you youngsters out there. If you're going to lose your virginity, do it with someone you don't really care about. That way, when things end, as they almost inevitably will, you can avoid the whole devastating emotional impact that I've seen others go through and just move on.

Oh, and use condoms. Don't ever accuse us here at Limpy World of condoning unsafe teen sex. Irresponsible we're OK with.


Blogger Melanie said...

lol! sounds awesome! you go boy!

8:52 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Excellent advice as always limpy. Safe irresponsibility: pretty much my life motto.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

And just like a South Park episode, I knew there would be a moral to your story.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

Now don't be maligning Slade!

10:04 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

It's not that I didn't care about you, I just think we both got what we wanted and thought it better to end it sooner rather than later. I still fondly recall our clumsy first time together, in fact I regale all the ladies in my book club with that story. If memory serves we were both waaaay to drunk to even attempt to use a condom, luckily I was on the pill, for medical reasons. Hey, at least you didn't puke on me that night, which is why I allowed it to happen a couple more times prior to parting ways. Good Times.


Frathouse Floozy

11:50 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Nonny, you're so close, except you weren't on the pill and we did use a condom, which is the only reason I lasted more than 3.5 seconds. Also you said I was the best you ever had, but I think the mattress put you up to that.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

At what point do you recommend a couple stop using condoms...I need to be ready when my kids start asking these questions.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Yes, 1989 was a great year wasn't it. At least I think it was. It's all kind of a fog from like '89 to about...what year is this?
Yes the safe irresponsible years before I decided to turn my life over to the ladies.

6:47 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Gee, Monk, if you've got kids, I think you already know the answer to that question.

8:40 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

You had the magic words in here..."Albeit one with a locked door."
The most important detail to remember when losing your virginity.
Hmm...I don't think I got the benefit of a locked door...damn it!

9:54 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

*sigh* young love....

what a sweet story ;-)

8:05 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Pffffffft -- there are no dashboard lights in a frat house lounge. I think that little omission renders the whole transaction null and void.

9:15 AM  

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