Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Office Morale Soars

We had a meeting yesterday afternooon. As usual, it went on too long because, as is true for most if not all offices, there were at least two people who felt compelled to interject pointless and occasionally personal asides that add more and more time to the discussion. The meeting should have lasted ten minutes; it went 45 instead. Most of the additional time was taken up with the amazingly important topic of a pizza party the attorneys are funding for the staff. Its our way of saying "thank you", in lieu of bonuses or time off or something they'd actually like.

Personally, I hate these things. Not because I'm cheap, although I am, but because it doesn't serve any purpose. I am not one for Office Morale Committee meetings. I look at a job as just that, a job. Be happy you have one. It's not supposed to be 8 hours of Camp Happy Times. If you want fun during the work day, start a blog. Otherwise, just get your work done and then go home and forget about it until the next day. If you're punching a clock, as our staff does, just work your hours and leave. And before anyone says I'm insensitive, there's a waiting list to be assigned to my staff. Because I don't care what you do during the day as long as my work gets done in a timely fashion. You want 17 cigarette breaks a day? Fine. You want tomorrow off? No, I don't care why. See you Thursday. You'll be late tomorrow? Well, probably not later than me. Just do your work, if you have free time, far be it from me to tell you how to fill it.

But even more than my own feelings about "work is work so quit crying about morale and work", I hate these functions because of the petty staff arguments that ensure half the people won't even show up and half of the people who do won't talk to each other. Apparently there is a civil war brewing down the hall because one staff member doesn't like the way another one planned the first one's birthday, and then that second one is upset because a third one stepped in and did what the first one wanted instead of what the second one wanted. They haven't spoken in two months and won't eat together. Yesterday was the first time I'd heard of this, (none of them are my staff; if they were, I'd haul them into my office and tell them to grow the fuck up), and my suggestion was to bring all three into the manager's offifce and tell them they were getting laid off. Then wait three minutes for the fear of sudden and unexpected unemployment set in, and then ask if they could now tell the difference between people with real problems and people with birthday cake problems.

There's a reason I'll never make management.

10 Comments:

Blogger Big Pissy said...

Will you put me on the top of the list of people who want to be on your staff?

6:54 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

You're in kid.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Your management style sounds like "Death Therapy"...you know...from the movie What About Bob?

8:04 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

oh i love your management style. i hate office politics and i'm glad i don't have to deal with them anymore. especially the women. my God! women office workers are fucking evil i tell ya. i was always hated and talked about behind my back because i would never join in on their stupid little birthday/shower/anniversary shit. i liked hanging out in the warehouse with the guys shootin the shit.

at my last job, when i put in my two weeks notice i knew that they weren't going to throw me a "going away" party, (although i'm sure they were very happy to see me "go away") so on my last day, i brought them all a little present and some goodies to eat (because you know that's what they do with 95% of their time...eating) and you should have seen the looks on their faces when i gave it to them. it proved my point that i had been making to the guys all along. that they were stupid, twofaced bitches. and then i laughed my ass off all the way out the door. cause i'm evil ya know;)

and you really didn't need to hear all of that did you?

8:45 AM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Ugh, that's the one thing I don't look forward to-coworker politics.
Coworkers suck.

9:26 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

Your quite prolific lately Limpy. Love the idea about laying off the crybabies-priceless. I personally don't have to deal with alot of office politics since we only have 2 employees besides myself. And I'm the boss, so whatever I say goes. *My* boss is alot like you in regards to office free time. If I'm caught up I can pretty much do whatever I want.

9:27 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Hee! I'd forgotten how much I hate law office politics! But when I was with the insurance defense firm as the only female attorney, it was quite a tightrope between the men, who though I should be "like a lawyer" (meaning, not female) and the women, who though I should be "like a woman" (meaning, not interested in anything but shopping, and especially not in having them get my dictation done in timely fashion).

At least the meeting's over now, eh? Although, the pizza party should be something to look forward to... right? *heh*

1:03 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

"If you want fun during the work day, start a blog."

Hell, that's what I did!

3:47 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I loved this part too: It's not supposed to be 8 hours of Camp Happy Times. If you want fun during the work day, start a blog.

9:17 PM  
Blogger Brighton said...

I would so work for you, that is my kind of management style!

4:26 AM  

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