Friday, June 30, 2006

Promises, promises

While I am trying to dash off for the 4th of July weekend, during which I will spend most of my time on a ladder scraping paint, I did promise you vampire lesbians and vampire lesbians you shall have.

I always liked the "Blade" movies, even though they're really nothing that's going to make cinematic history, the acting, especially in the second one, is generally poor, and the third one has little going for it except Jessica Biel in tight clothing. Although, as I've mentioned before, with me that pretty muich makes up for anything else that could go wrong in a flick. And it did. If thoughts were made public that poor girl would have about a dozen restraining orders against me. Anyone have her address by the way? I know we were meant to be, I just know it. Xenu told me this, right after the part about why women shouldn't make noise during shild birth.

Anyhoo, my obsessions aside, I like Blade. And so when Spike TV, (perhaps the dumbest netwrok name ever), announced that they were going to start showing "Blade: The Series", you can imagine my excitement. Actually you probably can't. My reaction was "huh, I wonder how they'll fuck that up?" So when I did watch it last Wednesday, it was more out of a sense of morbid curioisty than the breathless anticipation of a rabid fan.

Most of my fears were realized. The fight scenes seem to have been choreographed in slow motion. The guy playing Blade seems to have the emotional range of a tree stump, and has none of the menace that Wesley Snipes just seemed to throw off with a glance in the movies. And why are all the vampires Aryan and the good guys an ethnic stew? Just once can't we have vampires from Arkansas that sit around in overalls and whittle when they're not sucking blood from their cousins? Is that too much to ask?

Actually, it probably is, because given the choice between watching hillbilly vampires whittling and watching really hot vampire vixens crawl all over each other what are you going to choose? Speaking for myself, I'll be at the vixens channel.

And that brings us to the one saving grace on "Blade: The Series." The producers had the good sense to hire a really hot actress named Jill Wagner. Here's a picture.

Then, they stuffed her in a white dress and had her confront the bad guys, who were all dressed in black. Can you spot the subtle metaphors? I couldn't, because I was trying to figure out if Jill could possibly be wearing any underwear with that dress. Then they had her captured, tied up, (just gets better and better doesn't it) and turned into a vampire, after which she wore black, although fortunately not much of it. And then the other lead girl vampire, a bleached blonde little number who I'm sure has a name but for now who we'll just call "She who exists so that we have someone to tease you with the possibility of lesbian sex between really horny vampires", decides she hates our girl Jill, but after they drink blood together they exchange the sort of smoldering looks that turn sand into glass and start to get real, real close, so close that their lips almost touch as their panting mouths draw closer together and their hands stroke at each other's...(do you know how hard it is to type with just one hand? It's a bitch!)

Anyway, I'll be watching next week. The previews have Jill stripped down to stripper type underwear and stretched out for some kind of ritual. I don't know what the plot will be, but frankly, who needs one?


Blogger Melanie said...

you are too funny! i think i'll have to watch that now;)

have a great 4th of july weekend...

8:37 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Typing with one hand? Gee, that has nothing to do with lesbian vampires. Whatever do you mean??


9:42 AM  
Blogger Syd said...


10:04 AM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Well, DB and I feared what they would do with it, and our fears have come to light.
Now, if producers have read their audiences right, and realized what will sell, they'll have soft core lesbian vampire porn in that slot for the next three months.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Lesbian Vampires Rock!

Have a good 4th!

11:31 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I loved the first Blade movie and didn't even bother watching the others.

I will, however, watch this series now at least once. ;-)

4:10 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

As I interpret your words, a hot actress in tight or otherwise revealing clothing can save a poor film. Somewhere in my id—that part of my psyche that is unconscious and the source of primitive instinctive impulses and drives—I agree.

8:32 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

You hit the nail on the head with your analysis of this new gem of a series. Is there a plot on this show? I don't know cause that chick is fucking hot, and I sort of lost all ability to focus on any type of plot. Was there dialog on this show?
I too will be watching next week, and the week after. I'm guessing the show will be cancelled after about episode 3.

8:27 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Limpy, you will have to drop by and accept my dare...


1:37 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

I actually just caught a repeat of the first episode last night. You've nailed it to a T. I don't understand how Jill allowed herself to get caught, stupid bitch. And why do they turn people into vamps by injecting them with the blood? What happened to good old fashioned biting? Jill really seems to be into her vampire persona. Oh, and what the hell is up with the vamps in the bags?

6:10 AM  

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