Monday, June 26, 2006

This Is The End

No, not of this blog. It's too nice a break from work to do that. No, in a couple of weeks my wife and I are going to meet with an attorney. To go over our wills. Which would come into only at The End. Hence the title.

Hey cool, the radio is playing "Ana Ng" by They Might Be Giants. Nice.

The purpose of the will isn't really to make sure that my assets are distributed according to our wishes. No, most of those are going to be distributed according to our creditors wishes. Except that huge life insurance policy I have. That's going to be distributed according to my wife's wishes. I am canceling that sucker the second my youngest reaches 21. No sense tempting fate. As you may have figured out by now, we have two children. let's call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Yes, I stole that from Dr. Seuss. But since he's dead, who cares? Anyway, we want to protect Thing 1 and Thing 2 in the event of our early demise, and while that means we would like to appoint their guardians, it even more means that we want to point out people that under no circumstances would we ever want to have any role in the raising of our precious Things.

One of the things that happens when you get married is that you meet members of your significant others family. And sometimes you realize that your significant other is, shall we say, an exception to what seems to be the rule. And that some of their siblings are, shall we say, less a shining example of prospective parenthood and more an example of what is usually displayed on the left side of those evolutionary charts one sees in National Geographic magazines when one is not looking at the boobs on the pygmy chicks. In other words, you've inadvertently married into a family partially made of of sub-human pig men, and unless your will clearly states otherwise, your kids could wind up being raised as inbred farm mutants. I suppose there's nothing wrong with that if you think of "The Hills Have Eyes" as a documentary, but if you don't, you damn sure better have a will. So we're making the will and in the special instructions we will have a (brief) list of people that are kids are NOT to go to in the event that we pass on to our eternal reward before they reach adulthood.

I think the rest of the document will just state that if I die first my wife gets everything, except in the event I turn up with an ice pick in my back, in which case I think the police might want to look into any real estate purchases she's recently made in Key West.

A somewhat grim entry from yours truly, but when one is working through a will, that tends to dominate one's thoughts.

I am breaking in with an edit here to ask "Is there a better song out there then Patti Smith doing 'Gloria'"? I think not, and everyday I thank Xenu for college radio. Fucking A I love this song.


Blogger Pud said...

A will is a good idea, because in some states, if you don't specify who your kids go to upon your death, your kids end up in foster care and then family members have to fight to get custody of them. That would suck.

8:42 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

The kids are really the only reason I'm bothering with this, as my "estate" at this points amounts to a used Honda and a kick-ass riding lawn mower.

Oh, also a dog. Anyone want the dog? Believe it or not, there's a section in the will for the dog.

8:47 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

My husband and I are both attorneys, and he still doesn't have a will. But I do, so unless I predecease him AND then he dies before the kids are grown, we've got it covered. (In the interest of full disclosure to the tribunal, I didn't have a will either until 2 years ago.) It's like the doctors who never go have physicals....

9:14 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

I damn well make sure my animals are specified in the will. When you work with animal rescue groups and you see what happens to the poor animals that get left behind, you see that that really is a concideration that you need to make.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

God Damnit, Limpy ! My heart dropped, first because I thought you were ending the blog, then divorce. God Damnit. Ok... now that I have that out of me, I'm going back to read your post.

don't think I can't see you shaking your head right now, saying, "women..."

2:41 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I want the dog. I'm pretty sure the mere fact that she'd have to live with the Freaktard negates my chances of you allowing THAT to happen!

Or at least that's what I'd tell myself to get over the rejection. Besides it would allow me to better deal with the fact that you might somehow consider me the equivalent of an inbred farm mutant if you didn't allow her to come live with me.

Which reminds me, I need to update my will to specify who gets the cats and the Dog.

I have a funny feeling that if I die before the Hubs, he won't keep ANY of the animals and he'd gladly give them away to the first sub-human pig man who asked.

5:00 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Is the dog a girl?

Cuz that wouldn't work out here at the casa.....

but if it's a boy~I'll take it!

Oh, and put me down for the mower, too!

7:47 PM  

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