Monday, July 24, 2006

Goin' to the Chapel And We're Gonna...

put our fucked up, dysfunctional lives on TV in a pathetic attempt to get some attention in our otherwise empty lives.

I just saw the worst, (well, one of 'em anyway) shows ever. it's on TLC and is called something along the lines of One week To Save Our Marriage. Lest you think I've gone soft my wife isn't feeling well this week so I was watching TV with her rather than downstairs in the basement drinking scotch, shooting pool and watching baseball on TV, as is my usual manly habit. When, you know, I'm not out shooting furry animals just to watch them die. In Reno.

At any rate, the premise of this show is that they get a couple whose marriage is "in serious trouble", and you know it's in serious trouble becuase they tell you this ad fucking nauseum. Then they get some "marriage rehabilitator", (I think that was what she called her self; I know it wasn't "counselor", or "licensed professional"), who lives in an RV outside their home for a week. The house is wired for cameras and the RV lady can see everything that goes on. Whenever she sees an adverse behavior, like bickering, apathy or non-consensual anal sex, she can come into the home and lecture the couple about what they're doing wrong. Then, for the five days she's around, (I guarantee I would set that RV on fire on Day 2), she plans little stunts for the couple to see what assholes they are to each other, and at the end of the week they have to decide if they'll commit to save their marriage.

I can't even remember the couples names in this show. The wife wanted sex three times a day becuase she mistook sex for intimacy and emotional attachment, to which my response was, "who cares what she's mistaking it for, this chick's a gold mine!", and the guy was, was, ...well, actually, I couldn't figure out what his initial problem was but by the end of the show I had determined that he was easily a top 3 candidate for World's Biggest Pussy because he a) wanted to play computer games rahter than bone his wife three times a day, b) picked a fight about who got to keep the family photos instead of grabbing all the electronic devices when they had to practice dividing propoerty, (before you jump down my throat, my wife came out of her coma long enough to say "what an asshole. Take the furniture and buy a camera later"), and c) cried during every scenario the RV nut put them through. Including the one where they had to tell a picture of their son that Mommy and Daddy were getting a divorce. I don't have to tell you I was on the floor for that one.

Not surprisingly, they agreed to commit to save their marriage at the end of the show, although I persoanlly think she'll be blowing strangers behind Starbucks by the end of the week and he'll be at home trying to reach Level 824 on Doom or some such nonsense.

My favorite part was when the couple had to go to the arcade and play games with each other while pretending to be the other person. I liked this becuase my wife and I play air hockey when we take the kids to an arcade, and let me tell you, she is vicious at that game. I was putting our usual repartee to the TV show and it went something like this

Her: I'm going to kick your ass
Me: Bring it bitch, (we don't let the kids watch us), you got nothi..oh you fucking whore
Her: That's 1-0 loser
Me: Oh, yeah?
Her: Hey, you aimed that at my hand on purpose!
Me: Yep! Oops, tie game, pay more attention next time.
Her: Asshole.

And so on and so forth until I inevitably lose 7-5.

Look for us next week on "One Week To Save Our Marriage"

We'll be the couple that call it quits on Day 3 just to piss off the producers..


Blogger eclectic said...

Not buying it. Not for a minute. I saw that picture of your wife -- you're not going anywhere. Nice try, though.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

love the premise - when's the next episode?

5:28 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

You. Are. Twisted.

Your so funny, you really should do some sort of review every week. They are so spot on. I saw that show advertised, and even as big a reality whore that I am, I stayed away. I suppose next you'll be watching "Shalom in the Home".

6:50 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

No, I'm not going anywhere, but don't think we won't fake it for a week just to get our 15 minutes.

I do not know when the next episode is. I would guess next Monday at 10, since that's when it was on this week.

"Shalom in the Home"? Missed that one. Lemme guess, it's oriented towards the Jewish faith?

7:05 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

While you are on this "marriage show", spice it up and throw things. They will bring you back for the next week.

8:51 AM  
Blogger jmeped said...

You are funny. I wanted to go on survivor for my 15. I wanted to be the biggest bitch and be first voted off so I could have a month long paid for vacation.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

Great stuff, Limpster. I probably don't tell you enough that you really are brilliantly funny.

don't forget to wear a wife beater on the show. the 'throwing things' was a nice suggestion too.

11:32 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

{blushes} aww Syd

12:30 PM  
Blogger CP said...

I want to sleep with my husband three times a day too. I mistake it for love and intimacy. He could give a fuck less what I mistake it for, so long as I keep giving up the golden cooze.



7:10 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I have never heard of this, I might check it know, to REASSURE myself that the Hubs and I are fine. No issues here, now move along.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

HA! Okay, now I want to watch it and dissect everything I see with friends...I could totally see this turning into a weekly thing, me and mine crowded around the tele, jeering and taking a drink every time somebody brings up their mother-in-law.
God, I want cable...

9:18 PM  

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