Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Random Thoughts On A Long Weekend

If you're on a boat trip to see fireworks and you're tied up next to a boat full of people who even hillbillys look down on, and one of them jumps into the river, which is really high due to recent rains, and more importantly, running a much stronger current than usual, do you, being a strong swimmer, jump in after them when they pop up 20 yards downstream from the boat and clearly can't swim that well? Yeah, I didn't either. Good thing there was another boat coming up behind her. Moron. Although in fairness I was on the stern ready to go in but found it hard to jump with my wife attached to my legs.

I saw "Blade: The Series" again on Tuesday night, and while I'm pleased to announce that Jill Wagner hasn't gotten any uglier, every time I hear one of the vampires say "House of Kathung" I get confused with the International House of Pancakes and feel the need to order three golden browns with blueberries and whipped cream. Actually, I get that same feeling when I see Jill Wagner, but without the pancakes.

When your 8 year-old gets upset because you're not letting him go near the backyard fireworks but his 10-year old friends Dad is letting him do it, is the correct answer "He's older than you" or is it "His Dad is a fucking idiot and you're not going anywhere near them when you're 10 either"? Guess which one I went with.

My idea of hell is now having to endlessly scrape paint while 16' up on a metal ladder with the temperature in the low 90's and the humidity roughly the same.

All of the best swimming holes seem to have "No Swimming" signs posted all over them. Once your kids learn to read, this presents a moral problem when asked why you're swimming there. My answer: Those signs are just there so that if anyone drowns the owner can't get sued. This is going to bite me in the ass some day, I just know it.

"Unforgiven" may be the best movie ever. Watching Clint Eastwood enter the bar and asking "Who's the fella owns this shithole?" while leveling a shotgun at everyone is the definition of menace.

Jameson's whiskey tastes good. But it will adversely affect your ability to shoot pool.

That's all. Hope everyone else had a good 4th.


Blogger Syd said...

The wife kick your ass in pool again?

12:37 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Yeah, I think you better start coming up with answers now for when the kid comes home saying, "I didn't drown but I still got in trouble. What's tresspassing? Why did you lie? Can I play with the fireworks this year if I promise not to tell mom about the swimming hole thing?"

1:06 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Questions I have:

Your wife was hanging on your legs because: a) she wanted hot sex? b) she didn't want you to save the toothless hillbilly reject?

Did you pick his dad is a moron?

Did you let your kids swim in the "No Swimming" zone too?

Glad you had a good long weekend.

1:08 PM  
Blogger jmeped said...

Try explaining why it's ok to bring your own snacks to the movies but don't tell anyone, and trying to convince your 8yr old it's ok this once to lie and tell the man she's really 5.

1:41 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Life ring: n. A flotation device designed to assist a "swimmer in trouble" without unnecessarily placing the rescuer in harm's way; usually attached to a length of rope so the device can be easily tossed and retrieved. Useful in situations wherein one finds oneself in proximity to Appalachian Americans in a boat.

3:39 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Beleive it or not, Eclectic, they threw her a rope, but the current took her out of range before she could grab it with her little webbed hands.

4:29 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I don't blame your wife a bit.

I would have gone with~his dad is a moron.

the swimming hole thing? We stick to swimming pools....

4:53 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Keep in mind that all the good swimming holes are usually infested with leeches. That should keep you in check.

5:35 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

You crack my ass up. Sooo funny. I'm getting kinda hooked on "Blade", is that bad? Of course I'm a sucker for anything vampyre (pun intended, and note the old world spelling).

Glad you had a good holiday. Try and stay cool.

6:26 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Just to answer some questions posed by you idio...fine people.

Syd, my wife did not kick my ass in pool. She does usually win though, because she insists on playing "girl rules", which means she doesn't need to call shots, and can also grab my crotch while I try to line up shots.

Pud, 1)sadly, she just didn't want me to drown. Hot sex on a 26' boat with four other people, 2 of whom are your kids, ain't gonna happen. 2) Yes I did. 3) Yes I did.

Motor City: No leeches where we go. Pike will nibble your toes though.

Nonny, it is not bad to be hooked on Blade. That's like saying watching train wrecks is boring. In poor taste sure, but never boring.

7:14 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

What's funny is, when you do tell the truth to your kid about the jerk who let his ten yr old go near the fireworks---instead of the other concept of "He's older than you" b/s, then eventually your kid will open his mouth and let the 10 yr old know how you feel about him, which trickles into the home of the jerk who let his son near the fireworks. It has happened to me have BIG mouths! ha!

Great post! You're hysterical!

7:51 AM  
Blogger Leesa said...

I loved the firecracker story.

10:04 AM  
Blogger CP said...

Limpy...I just want you to know you are my superhero. Truly. Everything you write, golden. I am blogrolling you. I have to. It's an urgent issue. You just make me laugh too much. And you're a virgo. And you love lesbians even though I'm not one. And you tell off Dani the Wonder Christian.

If I wasn't already in love, I would be.

There ya go.


7:31 PM  
Blogger little sister said...

limpy, you totally crack up my sick self....however, I think cp's gone over edge.

it might be a nice edge, though.

What's Blade?

I'm typing this while listening to the BBC News Hours on NPR.

6:23 AM  

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