Monday, July 24, 2006

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

I learned many things on my summer vacation. Not all of them were pleasant. For instance, on Thursday, we went to an amusement park. I'd rather not name the place, but it rhymes with Six Flags New England. It's a really, really good rhyme too. Here's what I learned there. First, if'n I'm going to pay $100 to get a family of four into the park, two of whom are too small to go on any of the cool rides, and therefore the other two won't be going on them either, should I really have to pay another $15 to park in an unshaded lot? Should I? Well, I did.

Then we went to the water park. here's something else I learned. There are a lot of women out there wearing bikinis who, well, should not be. Here's a test. If the swimsuit comes with a sort of upside down triangle flap hanging down from the bra, ostensibly to cover the belly, the suit should not be worn. All it does is point to the belly. It's not a good look. Really. As for the guys, both of you, I'm not sure what you were thinking, but unless you're about to leap off a platform and go for an Olympic gold, there is no reason to ever, ever, wear a speedo. To be fair they both seemed to be related and European, but that shit don't fly in New England a'ight?

Also, don't open your eyes under water in the wave pool. I'm pretty sure I did permanent damage to my corneas by doing so for about two seconds. Let's just say they're pretty liberal with the chlorine. Although, given the alternative, (think 9,682 kids in a 50' X 50' area, none of whom want to get out to go pee), I think I'll take the cornea damage.

I also learned that if you start out your local poker game by winning more than $260, but end it winning only $20, it will feel like a loss and gnaw at your very soul, even though the end result is that you had $20 more than you started with.

I also learned that if a meteor is going to hit the earth we will in all likelihood have no more than 1 second notice and then we'll all be dead. I learned this in a facinating book by a guy named Bryson called "A Short History of Nearly Everything" You should all go out and read it. Although maybe not if you get easily frightened by little things like Doomsday scenarios.

In a related note, I learned that drinking a gallon of whiskey doesn't help with the meteor thing.

I learned that the best place to take your kids swimming is the local swimming hole, even if it is posted all over with "No Swimming" signs. Apparently the 42 other people there, (it's a big place), couldn't read either. I also learned to take a garbage bag with me so I can clean up after a lot of other assholes who feel compelled to trash a beautiful spot. Honestly, is it that hard to carry your six-pack the hundred yards back to your car? And if it is, what god do I pray to that the meteors hit you in the head? Because I'll do it.

I learned more I'm sure, but this has gone on long enough, and I need to get back to work. Hope all is well.


Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Let's hear an "AMEN"!

11:53 AM  
Blogger jmeped said...


12:56 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Ha! So, knowing that 2 out of four would be too small for most of the rides...? You have much yet to learn, Glasshoppah. Great list! I'm stealing it for the first week of school essay. Thanks!

1:02 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Well, at least you learned something.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

Banana hammocks should be illegal.

You know damn well to pray to Xenu.

And finally, I love Bill Bryson. If you haven't already, read A Walk in the Woods. Or listen to it on tape like I did. It's great.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Good stuff!

Glad you learned something!

7:51 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Oh, there are many, MANY women out there breaking the fashion code.
Sigh. Sorry you had to witness that, though I don't blame you for trying to sear your corneas to get off the afterimage.

9:16 PM  

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