Sunday, July 09, 2006

You Say It's In Bad Taste

but I say Jesus made them do it.

Tonight, while pestering my wife for sex, I was forced to watch some of the news. This is becuase my wife is obsessed with watching the weather report, information which is crucially important to people who sleep indoors. While waiting for the token gay man to give us the weather report, (seriously, what is it with the weathermen? Is is a requirement that they be flamboyantly gay?), I heard a news story of a rather surprising nature.

It seems that one of the local dioceses of the Catholic Church, an organization not unknown for its acquisitive nature regarding finances, namely yours and mine, (really, how did 12 Jews let a business like that slip through their fingers?), is consdiering selling space in one of their cemeterys for a cell phone tower. Yes, that's just one dear old dead Aunt Doris wanted as part of her eternal rest; a nice pastoral view that includes the town, a few hills, and a fucking relay tower off to the east. Putting the obvious questions of bad tatse and greed aside, let's consider the less obvious question: don't these people know that this is how the zombies always get their start? Oh sure, that section of the state will have killer reception for a few weeks, the phone company will see an increase in revenue and The Diocese of Our Lady of Perpetual Pain and Suffering will see some nice rental income, but after that it's decaying corpses walking the streets and trying to acquire brains, namely yours and mine, after being reanimated by leaking electrcial charges from the cell phone cemetery. And when that happens, don't you come crying to me.


Blogger Nonny said...


My husband is obsessed with watching the weather too. What's up with that?

6:11 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

You are so right.

So, did you get any? Or did the gay weatherman turn you off?

6:24 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

We can only hope somebody more important than me reads your blog in order to prevent the takeover of your lovely town. Do you have enough hot chicks in ripped up half-shirts ready to get chased around? If zombies are going anywhere there's gonna have to be hot chicks. Preferrably at least one who can use a chainsaw.

8:32 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I keep hoping Jessica Biel will move in next door, since after viewing Texas Chainsaw massacre and Blade III I think she'd be the ideal sidekick.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

If she moves in next door let me know who I have to bump off to get the house on the other side of her.

9:17 AM  
Blogger little sister said...

are you sure you're not a writer for South Park. Cracking my sick self up here in the middle of Indiana!

But you could happen, and when it does, I promise not to come cryin' to you, limpdude ;)

As for weather, you can avoid the gayweathercaster by gettting on your desktop (or it's automatic on the dashboard if you have a Mac...and now I'm a Mac snob by association - Mr. Wonderful owns an IBook, something that is great when I'm not at work and I can lie on the couch with Comedy Central on the telly while reading blogs ;)

oh, yeah...did you get any?

9:35 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

To answer the repeated questions about gettin' some, I'll just say I have no complaints.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

"but after that it's decaying corpses walking the streets and trying to acquire brains, namely yours and mine"

I'm confused.

Are you talking about Catholic priests here, or zombies???

2:21 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Excellent point Tai, but really, what's the difference?

2:24 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I think you and your wife would like that movie with Nic Cage - I think it's called The Weatherman. Best movie I've seen Cage do in a long time. It gets a little sappy in parts cuz he's got this overweight daughter and ya gotta go thru her problems but it's a good rental if you haven't seen it.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Thank GOD somebody is finally speaking out on behalf of zombie prevention.

4:48 PM  
Blogger kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

so........ the Resurrection.... bringing back the dead...... Lazarus... somehow, zombie-making seems a fitting business for the church, don't you think?

5:12 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

It's brilliant! I mean, seriously, without any extra cost to anyone, your cell phone contract gets the added value of zombie-making WHILE you talk! Think of the marketers, man. They need to feed their kids, too.

5:50 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

That still doesn't answer the most important question... did the wife give in, or was the weather man more interesting?

6:42 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

You should read the latest Stephen King novel~ 'Cell'.... ;-)

8:16 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

I think the solar-powered lights that some families now put on graves are a little freaky, but I can understand -- as far the cell tower, there are going to be a million jokes about calls from beyond the grave: Mary's grave, can you hear me now; Todd grave, can you hear me now; Betsy's grave, can you hear me now

5:57 PM  

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