Thursday, August 03, 2006

With Friends Like These

Story time kids, gather round.

I was reading our alternative weekly paper the other day and was distracted from my usual search for pre-op transvestite submissives by an article on a woman's first car, a 1964 Porshce. It got me thinking about the cars I've had in the past, (none even close to a Porshce, although some close to 1964), and then that reminded me of a joke one of my friends pulled on me.

See that? Here in Limpyville, you not only get to see the results of the Creative Process, you get to see the actual Creative Process itself. From searches for pre-op transvestites to stories about cars. All easily explained. You won't see that kid of quality just anywhere folks. Although apparently if you look in the back pages of the Advocate you will see 82 pre-op transvestites.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


I got my first new car back in 1994. I was graduating law school and the early 80's Buick I'd been nursing along was clearly ready for a hospice rather than another tune-up. I took my life-savings, a whopping $1,000, down to a local Saturn dealership and bought a car. It was green and had four doors. Might have been an SR-1. I asked about a trade-in and they laughed. I think I got them to take the Buick without charging me for the towing.

When buying the car I had two conditions. I didn't want a white car, (they're a bitch to keep clean, plus white is boring), and I didn't want air-conditioning. Truth be told I wanted it, I just couldn't afford to extra $25 a month it would have cost. Let that be a lesson to all of you out there; if you're going to go to law school, try to graduate in the top part of the class, not the bottom part. Sure years later you can laugh at all the nerds who have burned out and had heart attacks, (although that is in really poor taste, what's wrong with you anyway?), but up front you can't afford to air condition your car.

Two weeks later I arrive to pick up my car. My friend Mike drives me over, because by this time I've set the Buick on fire for the insurance money. I'm kidding. As far as you know.

A word about Mike. I am not a small man. I am not a passive man. But Mike is a really big, really aggressive man. This is important.

We get to the dealership and my salesman comes out and says he has bad news. They checked my car when it came in that day, but there's damage to the undercarriage and he can't release it. But they can let me have a white car, with air conditioning.

They'll charge for the air conditioning.

My response was something along the lines of "are you out of your mind" Mikes response was more along the lines of "you highway robbing cocksuckers" I demand to see the manager. Manager backs up the salesman. Mike offers to talk with both of them out back. I offer to take my business elsewhere. The salesman says he can understand why we're upset, ("rabid" would have been more accurate), but will we please come into the back so he can show us the damage and prove they're not liars.

We go in the back, mostly because we know they have tools back there that we can use as weapons, and there is my new, green, air-conditioned car, with balloons, and my wife in the front seat. Also there is my friend Shawn, who had set the entire thing up. He had called the dealership and arranged to have them set me up. Still one of the best pranks I've ever seen. I could have killed him, but instead I just bowed down and conceded I'd been had.

Years later I kidnapped his dogs the day he was supposed to return from his honeymoon. His wife hated me for that, but Shawn said privately, "Dude, (he'd lived in northern CA for a few years), totally respect that."


Blogger Pud said...

This friend that played the prank on you, did you find him in the pre-op transvestite section of your paper?

10:54 AM  
Blogger Brighton said...

Was there a pre-op transvestite in the back seat of the new green Saturn??

11:17 AM  
Blogger little sister said...

dude, that is hilfugginglarious!

more importantly, though, was there a pre-op submissive transvestite anywhere around there?

11:44 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

Dude, I live in Northern CA and I don't talk like that.

Awesome trick by the way...totally radical and quite funny (since it didn't happen to me).

I would have killed you if you kidnapped my Dog...I'm just saying dude

12:03 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

You people have depraved minds.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...

I love a good practical joke. Especially when so well executed.

I like how "we're depraved". We learned it from watching you!

2:02 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I would never consider pulling such a prank on a friend of mine, much less involve the car dealership. Of course, I’m not much into practical jokes; I’d rather tell them than play them.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Dude, I only lived in Cali for like 6 months when I was 8, and I talk like this for real.
Beware the curse of California!

Though, did your friend bring back a pre-op transsexual with him and his wife?

9:38 PM  
Blogger jmeped said...

SOOOO, was the pre-op trani in the trunk?

8:25 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

laughing at pud's comment. great story...

3:19 PM  

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