I Want A Piece Of The Pie
Jeffrey Skilling, formerly of Enron, was sentenced to nearly the maximum possible penalty of more than 24 years in prison yesterday. He also has to forfeit many millions in assets and pay some fines. The paper had a breakdown of all of these, and also noted his legal fees were $53 million.
Let me say that again.
$53 million.
Now, as you may know, I'm an attorney. I don't do criminal work, and I certainly am not qualified to do the sort of complicated, white-collar, bad finance thingie defense work that Skilling needed. But I will telll you this: for a 1/4 of what Skilling paid those hot shots of his, I guarantee you I could also get him found guilty and sentenced to nearly the maximum amount possible. And I'm fairly certain my dog could as well. She's got that cute face that jurors just want to trust.
I mean, if you spend $53 million on attorneys, don't you sort of expect, I don't know, probation? not guilty verdicts? maybe getting 18 years in the pen instead of 24 +? C'mon, Jeff, let me do the appeal. Give me $6 million and I'll promise to file some semi-legible document with the right court and on time. I doubt it'll change anything, but it will sure save you some cash.
And you're going to need as much cash as possible so you can load up on cigarettes. You're gonna need those where you're going.
Let me say that again.
$53 million.
Now, as you may know, I'm an attorney. I don't do criminal work, and I certainly am not qualified to do the sort of complicated, white-collar, bad finance thingie defense work that Skilling needed. But I will telll you this: for a 1/4 of what Skilling paid those hot shots of his, I guarantee you I could also get him found guilty and sentenced to nearly the maximum amount possible. And I'm fairly certain my dog could as well. She's got that cute face that jurors just want to trust.
I mean, if you spend $53 million on attorneys, don't you sort of expect, I don't know, probation? not guilty verdicts? maybe getting 18 years in the pen instead of 24 +? C'mon, Jeff, let me do the appeal. Give me $6 million and I'll promise to file some semi-legible document with the right court and on time. I doubt it'll change anything, but it will sure save you some cash.
And you're going to need as much cash as possible so you can load up on cigarettes. You're gonna need those where you're going.
posted by limpy99 at 10:06 AM
10 Comments:
Wonder if he's related to any of that legal team, since he's going to have to forfeit most of his net worth. Could be a creative way to leave something for the family.
I honestly thought it was possible to buy your way out of any trouble, save for tax issues. Glad I was wrong.
That cracked me up! You SHOULD do his appeal!
I think you should run for President on the "It's Already Fucked, So Why Not Let Me Fuck it Up Cheaper" ticket.
I'd vote for you.
CP.
no shit hey?
Yea, I can see you doing the appeal. Why not? I think you'd do a helluva job. "If the cover-up doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
Heck, if you run under CP's slogan, I'd vote for ya.
And you know how valuable the Canadian vote is, right?
Okay. I think it's just time I went and beat my head on the wall. $53 million.
I'm going to go cry now.
53 million is probably a drop in the bucket for that guy. I bet he has millions hidden in off-shore acounts and in Swiss banks. Those damn swiss are so insidious.
Send him a letter offering to be his new attorney.
Hell, I don't do criminal work either, but I remember some of Johnny Cochrane's tips, like rhymes -- if it doesn't fit you must acquit -- and shit. So, yeah, offer him the "Johnny" defense at a substantially reduced fee, and I can't think of a reason he should turn you down.
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