Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Speaking of Pie

A friend of mine, who has an unhealthy fascination with all things celebrity, told me this morning that Nicole Ritchie, (shown here to unflattering effect),



has enrolled in a program described as "the opposite of fat camp". Now, this may or may not be true. While I care enough about this to spread an unsubsatantiated rumor around the internet, (because really, why else does the internet exist?), I don't care enough to actually look it up. But I do suspect that celebrities have access to such programs, because after all, they have access to everything else. I find this endlessly hilarious.

You want to gain weight Nicole? Come over to my house for a week. Here's what we're going to do. Sit your ass on that couch. I SAID SIT!! Good, now, put your feet up on that ottoman. Comfy isn't it? Blanket? Yes, it is a little cold in the northeast in October. Especially when their are Somalian refugees who outweigh you by a good 30 lbs. OK, all set? Oh, of course, here's the remote. Nope, I blocked out the E channel. Cold turkey this week sweetheart. Yes, you can watch Rachel Ray.

OK, ready for the intense part of the program? First sign this waiver. You acknowledge that a high cholesterol, high fat, no-redeeming-value-whatsoever diet accompanied by a complete an utter lack of movement, to say nothing of exercise, is a horrible idea, but when compared to the appeal of anorexia and forced vomiting, may have have some upside.

What? Oh, that's the World Series of Poker. That's the only sport you're allowed to watch for the week. Those guys barely move for days. Well, maybe I'll allow some bowling.

Alright, these are doughnuts. 12 of 'em. You have 40 minutes. When I come back, they better be all gone, and your fingers better not be anywhere near your throat. After that it's The People's Court and nappy time. Oh, here's some chocolate milk to wash it down with. After your nap it's field trip time. We're going to Kentucky Fried Chicken for a bucket of fried lard and some mashed-potato-like side dishes.

Seriously, give me a week with her. She'll put on 25 lbs. or die. Possibly both.

13 Comments:

Blogger Nonny said...

Have you been spying on me? That's like my typical day. OK, I'm kidding, I only wish that was my typical day.

How do you know so much about daytime television? When do you get to watch Rachel Ray?

Speaking of KFC, that stupid bowl of mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, chicken pieces and cheese they keep advertising is about the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. It sorta reminds me of what Nicole probably vomits up.

9:51 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I had forgottoen about that thing! When i saw the ad for it I couldn't beleive someone had actually thoguht it was a good idea. "Hey, I know, let's sell a bowl of vomit to our customers!"

Brilliant!

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought that was a picture of that Olsen Twin...wow, just WOW. She looks so sickly.

Oh and thanks for the KFC Vomit Bowl visual, now I'm queasy feeling. I am snarfing down a bean and cheese burrito while reading this (YES for breakfast and NO that in itself is not why I'm queasy)

10:39 AM  
Blogger Amichai said...

not to rag on your digs or anything, but I bet if you went to her place instead of her going to yours, you'd have a better time fattening her up (And or killing her with said cholesterol). I'm not saying you don't have a nice place or anything - actually I have no idea what it looks like - but she's Rich with a capitol R. Think of all that rich people stuff you can steal while there.

12:47 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I like the way you think Amichai.

1:22 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

So, the sequel could be Limpy's Weight Management Camp, consisting of a very strict diet of sex and water. For days. Until they achieve their ideal weight. You could market it to the girls who embraced the policies of your "All fat, All the time" experience. It has potential.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

I like eclectic's idea.
I've been encouraged to start a new exercise. I picked sex.
Now, I just have to go find a workout buddy.

1:20 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Take her to the Jewish or Italian Mother Area of town.

"Just have a little more, dear. Oy vey! You need to put a little meat on your bones. Have a cannolli."

6:33 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Real nice Limpy. Now I'm starving. And that KFC bowl thing? The Spousal Unit finds it disgusting but I think it looks great. I mean, that's pretty much what I do with chicken and corn and potatoes anyway. Sure they start in different piles but they're basically eaten with total disregard for which pile they started in. Although I can't remember the last time I was at KFC so who am I to say.

6:53 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LMAO! When does the semester start?

Although I really LOVE KFC, I agree about the mashed potato bowl-thing~~Scary.

6:59 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

"So, the sequel could be Limpy's Weight Management Camp, consisting of a very strict diet of sex and water."

Oh please, if there is a god, let Keira Knightly apply.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

So THAT is what life at Limpy's house is like.

10:09 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Only during Ramadan.

10:10 AM  

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