Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Why I'm Going To Hell

Reason 6,784.

Halloween is fast approaching, and at our house we're just all atwitter over it. We don't decorate, because we live out in the sticks, and frankly, it's a waste of time trying to scare the deer. Shooting them is another matter, but one doesn't have to dress up like a scarecrow with a pick-axe to do that. Although...

Anyway, our kids love Halloween. And they had the last two days off from school. One for Columbus Day, or, as we politically correct types like to call it, Imperialist Pig-Dog Oppressor of the Aboriginal Peoples Day. Our parade is much cooler. Check out our small-pox float.

The second day off was for some professional development day for the teachers. Because, you know, they couldn't get to that during the summer, or Xmas break, or winter break, or spring break.

The end result is that the kids got to stay home and up late for two unseasonably warm days and nights. So last night we're all out after dark and they're trying to show how brave they are by having me dare them to run to various parts of our dark yard. And we have a big yard. My son got to the far corners of the yard. My daughter did too, but only when I held her hand. She was accused of cheating by her brother. I offered him $100 if he would run to the telephone pole out in the field behind our house. It's about 200 yards away and it is D A R K out there. He wouldn't do it. Today he did it when it was twilight and I gave him $5. Dark is one thing, twilight's kind of easy.

But we weren't done yet. My daughter wanted her brother to scare her, but only if I would hold her hand. This got sort of old and number one son was getting bored. So the following takes place.

Son: "Dad, you scare me"

Me: "No, it's hard enough getting you to bed already"

Son: "C'mon, I bet you can't"

Me: "I don't think so"

Son: "You just know you can't do it...Old Man"

WHAAAAA? Old man? Oh, it's on motherfucker. It's SO on. (And yes, technically I'm the motherfucker. I know this. My son doesn't need to.)

Me: "OK smart-ass, count to ten and then come look for me."

I hide deep in the bushes on one side of our property. When my son gets close I lay down on the ground, very quietly. He gets closer. "Dad?" he says, tentatively. "Are you in there?" Oh, it's not Old Man now is it, ya little bastard. I don't answer. "Dad?" No answer. He turns away.

And that's when my hand shot out from under the bushes and grabbed his ankle.

See you all in hell.


Blogger Syd said...

LMAO. The (darling) little fucker totally deserved it. See you in hell.

8:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are the COOLEST Dad ever! I would have peed my pants, but reading it is totally funny.

Do you have money set aside for their counseling?

8:23 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

he really sorta had it coming, didn't he?!? ;-)

you ARE a cool dad!

9:25 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

That's awesome! I mean, I'm glad my dad never did that to me, and it may be actionable as intentional infliction of emotional distress or something... but damn! it's a great story.

10:31 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Hey ~ he wanted to be scared. He's just learned the life lesson of "Careful what you wish for".

p.s. See you in hell. I'll be the one with many burning flames around me.

6:15 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

My 8 year old would never ask to be scared. And if I ever did that to him, he'd end up rocking himself in a corner. Sure he asked for it, but do you have to derive so much pleasure from it?

Now that I've tried to sound all nice a grown up I just want to say YOU TOTALLY ROCK!

6:17 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LMAO You are SO going to hell. That was funny. How far did he jump? My dad used to do that sort of stuff to us when we were little, too. VERY cool.

6:51 AM  
Blogger jmeped said...

Hahahabbbbbwwwwwwaaaahahah! I love it!

7:08 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

That's perfect. Good Job!

7:32 AM  
Blogger Tai said...


Hey, I can get you some good seats in hell, I know the owner.

2:28 PM  

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