Friday, November 10, 2006

Someone Needs Their Tiny Little Head Examined

So I'm late(er) for work this morning because I had to go to the pharmacy to pick-up a prescription. It's not easy forging prescription tabs for more Oxycontin, (just ask Rush Limbaugh), so when I can get a signature down pat, you better believe I'm going to ride that into the ground. Naturally, when I get there the prescripton isn't ready, so rather than stand there in front of the cash register shaking, twitching and crying uncontrollably, I sit down and look for something to read.

Unfortunately, all they have in that area are a bunch of Jesus books, including some that have something to do with a Jesus inspired "diet-for-life". Tempted as I was to see how loaves and fishes could improve my life, I instead picked up some celebrity rag called "InTouch".

I hadn't seen this magazine before, and it appears to be mostly pictures of various celebrites with snarky captions, (although I would have gone in an entirely different direction for the photo of Julia Roberts with a monkey on her head), and some remarkably poorly written articles. And when I think something's poorly written, that's saying something.

One of the articles was about Reese Witherspoon getting divorced. I know nothing about her husband. I liked her in "Walk The Line", which is a good movie that I highly recommend. According to this magazine, her husband is an actor, and one fo the problems in their marriage is that he gets "only" a few million per picture, and she's in the $15 million to $20 million range.

This may or may not be true, (although I'll give InTouch this; in the same issue they predicted Britney would divorce K-Fed! Now THAT'S reporting!), but let's assume it is for the moment. As a guy, I like to think I'm filling the traditional hunter-gatherer role fairly effectively. The kids are fed, the house is heated, and just yesterday I fought off a sabre-tooth tiger that was getting too close to the house for my liking. By which I mean I emptied a mouse trap. But if my wife suddenly felt like coming home with a salary triple mine, I'd be OK with that. And if I were making only $2-$3 million a picture, I'd probably just shut the fuck up in general.

You hear that honey? If you want to make $15 million, I'm OK with that. I'll even empty the dishwasher.

So the moral of this story is two-fold. First, if you're a guy and feel the need to get out of your marriage because your wife makes $15 million a year or so and therefore you're feeling emasculated, please keep your tiny-dick problems to yourself. And two, if you're trying to get your Oxycontin fix, plan ahead and bring some better reading material to the pharmacy than I did.

Must go here comes the rucsh!!!! jdfjwdtrhrtgnfgnqrjgna


Blogger Nonny said...


I'm reading that exact issue of "In Touch" as we speak. One of our patients brings them in for us. "In Touch" is probably closer to a National Inquirer than say a People.

I'd love to know your caption for the picture of Julia Roberts with the monkey :)

11:14 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

"I haven't had anything this hairy on my face since that movie with Clive Owen"

12:22 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Sharing is terribly under-rated. I suggest you send me some of your oxycontin so you can experience the joy of giving. We are heading into the holiday season, afterall.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...


You're a God!

12:41 PM  
Blogger Madame D said...

Well, she IS the highest paid actress in Hollywood now, just signed to get $29 million a picture.

Though, on his bright side, they don't have a pre-nup. When they got married, he was the bigger name.

Seems to me that instead of telling people to vote for environmental shit, a few actors could get together to change that whole "community property" law.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sir, have a gift. You should write snarky captions for a living.

5:52 PM  
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6:31 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

Who ARE these people???

And if "Mr. EX-Reese Witherspoon" and his measly $2 mill a movie needs a new wife, tell him I'll think about it.


8:11 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

askinstoo, I've got what you're looking for right over here.


8:34 PM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...

I'm suddenly feeling emasculated about my own paycheck now. More than usual I mean. :)

10:44 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I have learned to avoid both Jesus books (at least the kind one finds in drug stores and Wal-Mart—I prefer the kind one finds in mainline seminary bookstores) and celebrity mags. Therefore, I truly appreciate your suggestion and shall carry my own reading material with me the next time I expect to wait at the pharmacy.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

There's a coffee shop I go to that has a paperback book exchange. Pharmacies should harken to that trend... if it is a trend. It should be a trend, anyway.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I read "In Touch" everyweek.

It's trash, but I love it.

I love your caption for the Julia Roberts with the monkey picture.


and Julia's not so hot anymore, is she?

9:33 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Finally, a man who doesn't mind a woman making more money than him.

You are a rare breed my friend!

4:58 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

The Spousal Unit makes 3 times more than me. And then some. In fact the plan is for me to soon not have to go to work at all. And I'm just fine with fulfilling the role of homemaker rather than breadwinner. I greatly look forward to it. I've head plenty of guys say to me, "Aren't you gonna get at least a part time job to keep from being bored?"

I have never, ever been that bored.

10:43 AM  

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