Wednesday, November 01, 2006

These People Get to Vote

So I'm on again, looking for reasons to beleive that this election might change things, and also trying to find out if anyone else in Alabama has raped their mother lately, (they haven't), when that same guy who told me about Nicole Ritchie going to "Eating Camp" (update: Nicole's been at our house for three days now and has put on 15 lb. Only one vomiting incident so far, and we think that was because we made her taste test the kids' candy), calls up and tells me I have to look at some video story about a woman who had a baby, full-term, without knowing she was pregnant. Sounds like areal idiot, but when you actually watch the story it seems like she just had a lot of other medical issues and somehow a growing fetus got lost in the shuffle.

But as I was watching this and mulling over why my friend thinks bleeding ovaries are funny, (if anyone knows any good jokes on the subject, feel free. I'm at a loss), I was drawn to another story below. "Police say duct tape no substitute for babysitter" Now this is true. For one thing, duct tape doesn't cave in to whining and crying, unlike babysitters, who are almost guranteed to let your kids watch crappy TV after the 4th or 5th whiny request. And duct tape doesn't say "OK, fine, you can have more chocolate frosted sugar bombs, (tip of the hat to Bill Watterson), just please stop kicking me in the shins" Nope, good old duct tape just stays with the job until you get home. And it doesn't ask for $7 an hour plus a tip plus additional charges for less than 24 hours notice either.

No indeed, duct tape is no substitute for babysitters. It's far, far better.

If you read the story, you will ntoice that the mother who taped her two kids together, (helpful tip: tape them separately to inanimate and heavy, well-grounded objects. That way they can't work together to roll out the door), denied that she had left the kids alone all day. All kidding aside, if the police come to your house and find your two kids taped together on the floor and covered in filth, just admit it. You're not kidding anyone.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to rush home.

Left something(s) on the floor.


Blogger Nonny said...

That duct tape story shouldn't be funny and yet it is.

We had a patient a couple years ago make a new pregnant patient appointment. She said she was really far along already because she could feel the baby moving inside. We bring her in for an ultrasound and she's not even pregnant-it was gas.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

God, I'm debating....

WTH, I can't keep my fucking mouth shut. I totally used to duct tape TLF's hands together when he got into my shit at work. His mother had to cut him out of it on more than one occasion.

Why, yes. I do live in Mississippi. Why do you ask? ;)

1:18 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

HA! At our house, it's a common phrase: "Don't MAKE me get the Grey Babysitter."

3:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok Nonny's comment cracked me up...."it was gas"


I tried duct tape once on the dog....the hair in that spot has grown back nicely, I must say.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yet ANOTHER of the million-and-one uses for duct tape. I LOVE it! They really need to update that book.

My grandmother was pregnant for 7 months before she realized it...she just thought she was gaining weight. Kept menstruating and everything!

5:54 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Not only that, but duct tape now comes in pajama-matching colors! Easier to hide from the authorities.

Or so Syd tells me.

5:58 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Duct tape is good for binding things, but it kinda hrts when you rip it off. Or so I've heard.

6:28 PM  
Blogger little sister said...

I would say you've got to be fucking kidding me, but I know you're not, so I won't say it.

Duct tape? dang....mi hija is 25 and married...will it still work?

7:16 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

When will there be a law requiring that you have to have a license to be a parent?

5:06 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

All you need to be a parent is sperm and snatch. Ain't no license gonna change that. No matter how good of an idea it is.

8:26 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

There is a lady here who just gave birth and claims to have known nothing about the pregnancy. Do you know what I think? I think it is a crock of shit!

Lets say that aside from all the tell tale signs... weight gain, cravings, periods, blah, blah, blah... not being affected, how the fuck do you have a 3 kg human subletting your uterus and using your ovaries as baby rattles and not notice?

Yep. Whatever.

9:07 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Everyone congratulate JD's Rose on the birth of her new son.

And she's obvuiously not the least bit cynical about this story as a result.

10:54 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I think everything I wanted to say has already been said.

Actually I lied.

Last year my son threw a baseball over my head right thru large window in our kitchen. In a rage, I immediately drove over to the hardward store and bought me some truly amazing clear duct tape. I taped up that hole and the entire window so good (inside and out) it lasted over a year until my lazy ass decided it was time to have that damn window replaced.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Re: eating camp, I am wringing my hands that obesity is now considered more of a world problem than starvation... and obesity is coexisting side-by-side with malnutrition in developing countries. We need Willy Wonka and his full-meal chewing gum (sans side-effects from the blueberry pie).

1:26 PM  

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