Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Calling Capt. Obvious

Something to jot down while I wait for the swelling in my pants to go down after "Syd's latest post"

I'm watching TV last night, which is oh so very different from every other night when I practice alchemy in the basement, and I see a commercial for Sylvan Learning Centers. Now, my knowledge of Sylvan is limited to knowing that they sponsored the only team in our Little League that managed to beat my son's team this year. And they did it by only one run in a game shortened by three innings becasue most of the kids from both teams had to go to a choral performance at one of the schools.

Seriously, what kind of lame-ass shit is that? A nice spring night and we have to cut a BASEBALL game short for a choral performance for fuck's sake? That still bugs me. Mostly because I am an amazingly shallow and petty person. And you better beleive that we kicked the shit out of those Sylvan kids in the last game of the season. Seriously. It was like 26-7. I had the kids so motivated to avenge their only defeat that you would think I had them hopped up on greenies or something. You'd think that, but you'll never prove it, so don't bother trying.

Back to the commercial. In it they show a couple of kids who have some achievements they'll brag about, but they won't show you their crappy algebra scores. "Sylvan can help you with this" First, Stephen Fucking Hawking couldn't have helped my high school algebra scores, and he might have been able to beat me in cross-country too, so thanks for bringing that up, Sylvan. Pricks. But my favorite one was "Johnny can reach level 16 on his video game. But he can't attain his grade level in reading. Sylvan can help with this"

Sylvan can help with this? Sorry, so can I. Throw that damn video game out until Johnny gets his reading up to grade level! How hard is that?

Hey, if that link works, thank "Shellibells" , who told me how to do this. Sort of like Sylvan helps the slower kids use the computer without resorting to a hammer. If it doesn't work, blame me.

18 Comments:

Blogger limpy99 said...

Holy shit, it worked!

2:56 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

It DID work!! You're a big kid now!

This post was funny as hell, Limpy. The cross country line...excellent. hahahaha

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm still a little disturbed by the thought that you wrote this post with swelling in your pants. I feel so dirty now. I think I need to take a mental shower.

5:48 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Or a cold one Zoe. Whichever.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Yes, the link worked. You are now a brown-belt Blogger!

Hey, I studied the Sylvan methods years ago for own benefit. I was really surprised to see the TV commercials; it’s not the sort of thing I’d expect to see advertised.

9:12 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Don't worry Limpy. I am crap when it comes to that sort of shit too. It has taken me ages to get the basics... you will be passing me by before you know it!

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is that they were there for me when I got Hooked On Phonics.

I was in a bad way, strung out on syllables, always looking to conjugate.

But now that sorry chapter is closed. Thank you Sylvan.

6:19 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Great, now I'm humming "Conjunction Junction" to myself.

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hooking up words, and phrases, and clauses.

9:12 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

You're not helping Zoe.

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sylvan sounds like one more beautiful plot to part people from their money.

10:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Limpy, it was I who just commented. Confound the google/blogger merge that tricks people into posting under their own names!

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Testical-cuffs worked for me.

11:49 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Um, ow.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...

Good job, I just learned html not long ago myself. It's hard dammit!

4:53 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

It DID work!

I'm impressed! ;-)

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fine, I'll be the first to say it:
"That Jessica Alba has a sweet pooper."
Oh, and way to go on the HTML thing. I strongly suggest having all your links go to pictures of Jessica Alba's nearly nude behind. Thanks in advance.

7:38 AM  
Blogger shellibells said...

I knew you could do it, i had faith in you. Great job, keep up the good work...lets read together.

If kids heard that a little more instead of GO DO YOUR GOD DAMN HOMEWORK or GET OUT OF MY FACE, i'm betting they'd do hella lot better in school too!

My daughter is 9. She acts up in school like most 4th graders do, but she gets almost all a's (and b's) in class and we read together in bed every night. I read my book, she reads hers. I don't think 30 minutes of reading (or even 15) is too much to ask...and to shut the phone off too. I mean, that alone makes her happy for the day.

Some people should just not have children. (or pets)

11:31 AM  

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