Monday, January 29, 2007

More Food

Relax, hot dog casserole was not involved. Last night, being the swell guy that I am, I took the family out to dinner. Since I am also a family guy and occasionally have to keep the kids entertained, we went to one of those Mexican-themed chain restaurants. The kind where the only things that are really authentic Mexican are the guys in the back washing dishes and keeping one eye on the emergency exit in case the INS bursts in. Althought the dishes were really clean.

As I'm gnawing my way through a couple of fish tacos that were decidedly made of fish, possibly bait fish true, but fish nonetheless, my kids are pestering my about desert. Being the good Dr. Spock adherent that I am, I say that they can have desert if they finish their dinners. Then I take a second look at their dinners and realize I'm basicaly telling them "Before you have any gooey chocolate covered cake you have to finish your gooey cheese-covered burrito", and think to myself that it would probably be more merciful if I just reached into their chests and ripped their liitle hearts out now.

But I didn't, because we would have been asked to leave before I finished my margarita, and so we got to dessert. In an effort to avoid the onset of juvenile diabetes, I proclaim that we will have one piece of chocolate-cake-grande-mucho- something-or-other, and four spoons. We got four forks, which the waitress apologized for, (apparently the INS had interrupted the silverware cycle), but really, as long as we didn't have to eat with our hands, we were OK with it.

My daughter takes about three giant bites of the whipped cream and decides she's done. My wife takes two TINY bites of cake and pronounces it gross. Which it was not. I get in about three bites and determine that it's just too rich for mere mortals, and I intend to stop.

Notice I said "intend."

My son is doing his best steam shovel impersonation. Giant chunks of cake, chocolate sauce and whipped cream are being carved out of the landscape and deposited into the gaping maw that has replaced his mouth. His eyes have the same wide-eyed look of wonder and glee that I imagine African crocodiles have when a particularly fat and retarded wildebeest stumbles too close to the watering hole. At first this is funny, but I start to become alarmed after about five bites. He's slowing down, but since he's inherited my genes there's just no way any of this cake is going to be allowed to go back to the kichen, (besides, there's no one left to wash the plate), even if massive stomach trauma results. Heroically I pick up my fork and wade back in. Even my wife takes another, albeit small, bite. Another few bites, and the cake is gone. We pay and leave.

On the way home my son asks if we can open the window, never mind that it's 20 degrees out. We do. Then we start asking him if he wants some chocolate cake when we get home. He proclaims his hatred of us and all things chocolate.

He was fine this morning. I on the other hand, am feeling a bit woozy.

Now, here's something I've been meaning to say for a little while. There is a particular blog out there that I visit regularly. I don't link to the writer and they have never commented on here. But I'm pretty sure they read this. Why am I sure, you ask? Because I have noticed that with some regularity I may write about a particular topic and within a couple of days, that same topic is written about on that blog. Oftentimes it may not be the main subject of the article, but just some little aside, sort of like the kind that I make all the time. Because I can't actually write. So here's the thing. And again, it's no one I link to or for that matter anyone I've ever had a comment from, so you're all OK with me. But if I go to this particular site and read about a family trip to a faux Mexican restaurant, I'm beating the hell out of you. Or, since I'm too cheap to pay air fare, just posting your actual name and address here. Where 20 people will see it. Maybe 22.


Blogger tysgirl said...

Actually, it's husband's been lurking too!

Maybe you should whip this blogger up a batch of Limpy's hotdog surprise with really special mayo.

11:08 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

That probably falls under "cruel and inhumane" punishment, but that doesn't mean I won't follow up on it.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

LOL, ok - 1st time commenter, but I know I'm *not* your sleuth writer, ok? ;)

Wasn't intending to return ANY visits today but some limpy person doesn't publish their email addy in their profile to receive my PCRF's, so here I am to put it over HERE. LOL!

(on my earlier post about lingerie, I replied back to ya:
LMAO! Limpy99 ~ Welcome to my castle of mirrors... and EXACTLY!!!
In fact, the number of TVs in this house (and how often they're on) and the amount of hours he spends in front of said TVs or on f'ing video/computer games are issues for me. Ohhh, don't get me started. LOL

Like I said, I usually fwd these to everybody's emails so they don't have to come back just to see what I freakin' reply.
*ahem* ;)

ps. I *heart* chocolate, get another spoon. LOL

12:28 PM  
Blogger the bodyguard said...

you're too funny! love the new profile pic btw..

12:58 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Lil Bit: welcome aboard. And no, it wasn't you. I don't post my email addresses intenionally, because it would hinder my ability to keep my job as an international spy. So I just cruise through interesting blogs. Occasionally I rotate 'em, like tires. Found yours through Saint Nick.

Mel, mel, mel, mel, mel. Nice to see you lurking about again.

1:08 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Make it 24, my wife lurks here because she is trying to keep up with the cool kids.

2:04 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

You can't see it Zoe, but I'm sobbing over here.

I'm just so happy to be one of the cool kids!!!

2:21 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

That's just wrong....NOT that they're copying you, but that you won't tell us WHO so we can go read their version of your stories.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Then, I guess it's time to write about masturbation! See what they do with that one.

5:10 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ohhh, now I am intrigued. Come on... fess up. Who is it?!

Why rip their hearts out when you can save the messa nd just kill them slowly?!


5:16 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hey, Limpy, have you not heard that plagiarism—I mean imitation—is great flattery? I will admit that I have had similar dining out experiences with my two sons 25 or so years ago. However, at least a couple of those times, as I now remember, weren’t as agreeable as your ending: the rolled down window had another purpose and I ending up washing the outside door of my station wagon. Believe me, that story is one I’ll never blog. Hell, I wish I hadn’t even remember it! If I weren’t laughing so hard at your story, I might feel upset for the reminder.

8:10 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Right. You want us to believe that some phantom blogger is copying you? OK. But I'm sending my next bill to both of you.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I hate people who can't come up with their own material. Even if I don't have any I at least admit it and not steal someone else's. That's just lame.

I swear I thought your son wanted the window open so he could purge that awful-sounding cake.

5:55 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

This is shocking. If we can't count on ethical behavior in the blogsphere, then all hope may be lost.

We should go to that blog right now and replicate our comments on their replicated post.

Or not.

6:52 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Soozie, OK fine, it's Dooce.

Maggie, I try not to write short stories.

JDR, OK fine, it's not really Dooce.

Nick, we thought we were headed in the same direction, but the kid held it together. He's a keeper.

Eclectic, if it happened once I'd just think it was a coincidence, but I've noticed 4-5 "coincidences" over the last couple of months. I'll forward your bills though. And honestly, they're a better writer than I am, so maybe I should start ripping them off.

Lady K, I agree. Nothing wrong with riffing on the same idea, just own up to it. God knows I have.

Pug, I too long for the days when the internet was a community of honor, trust, respect and girl-on-girl-on-donkey porn.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I was totally expecting you to say your son had thrown up!

C'mon! Tell us who it is!!!

7:41 PM  

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