Wednesday, February 07, 2007

When You Spell "Love" I-N-S-A-N-E

you're just asking for trouble.

I suspect that this story is all over the place today, but this frankly just cracks me up. Yes, it cracks me up because I am an insensitive asshole and the misery of others makes me happy. I live in a dark hole surrounded by puppets. I can't help myself. You, on the other hand, come here willingly. You sick bastard.

Lisa Nowak has set a new standard for determination in the field of "I loves you so much I jus' can stands it no more." As you may know by now, unless you've been under a rock for the last day or so, Lisa is an astronaut who may have flown a little too close to the sun the last time out. Apparently involved in a love triagle so secretive that two of the other angles weren't all that aware of it, Lisa drove 950 miles straight from Houston to Orlando to confront the other woman. She brought with her a knife, duct tape, (really, is there anything duct tape CAN'T do?), pepper spray, a steel mallet, and one would think breath spray. After all, one can't make a trip of 950 miles without stopping and not smell a little gamey. And when one is confronting the possible girlfriend of the guy you've got the hots for, well, I would think you'd want to look and smell your best.

Know what else you can't drive 950 miles without stopping for? OK, possibly food, but not quite. Having embraked on a few road trips of 800 plus miles myself, (the last, God knows why, involved Dayton, OH), I can tell you that at some point you're going to need to use the toilet. Possibly quite urgently. This will involve, at a minimum, pulling over to the side of the road, dashing into the bushes, letting fly, and getting back into your car. Probably set you back a good 4-5 minutes at a clip.

According to the article I saw yesterday, (and accidentally deleted otherwise I'd use my cool new linking powers), that 4-5 minutes was going to be too much for Lisa. In addition to the duct tape, mallet, knife and pepper spray, (which aren't really all that funny), Lisa equipped herslef with what the reporter describes as "adult diapers."

And that's why I can't follow this story without snickering. And occasionally emitting a low whistle of admiration. Putting aside everything else, if you're the guy in this case, how inflated is your ego right now? Lisa is not only willing to throw away her entire career, and possibly a healthy chunk of her freedom, for your ass, she's willing to do it while driving in a pair of soiled diapers because it's that important that she get there NOW!!

I hope the guy does the right thing and at least offers to pay for the 2-3 speeding tickets I'll bet she got.


Blogger Steven Novak said...

I still can't get past the diaper thing...

Everytime I hear this story...I keep coming back to the diaper thing... ;)


8:26 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

It does sort of separate this tale of love gone wrong from all of the others doesn't it?

8:38 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

You got to feel just a little bit sorry for that girl. I'm just wondering if she changed the diaper or just kept the same one on.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Ohhhh, the things I did not want to know....

I just don't want my daughter hearing about this incident. I really, really, really want her to be out of diapers (and wearing underwear) by the time she graduates from high school.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

It does bring home the phrases, "Stalk you later and Stalkeratzi"

Sure the guy may feel a bit loved and, stalked, but what about her own husband not to mention her three kids. Not to be a pooper (and I'm not even wearing a diaper...or underwear for that matter) I can't help but think how much her kids are being teased on the playground right about now.

Mushy heartfelt moment, over.

11:37 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

RSG, if you were going to go to the trouble of changing the diaper, wouldn't you just pull over in the first place?

Let's all pause for a collective shudder.

Alkelda, I don't want your daughter to hear about this either. Keep her away from this blog.

Kinda goes without saying actually.

PG, if they haven't done it already, the former family will be changing their names, addresses and probably prominent physical characteristics in the very near future. And yes, I do feel bad for her kids. They're going to learn to fight pretty quick.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I also like the whole diaper angle. However, you forgot to mention that she got the idea of wearing the diaper from her astronaut days. Apparently the shuttle astronauts also wear diapers up in space cuz I guess there are times you it's just not practical to go pee. I think that's the real revelation here - whoda thunk?

12:13 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I was going to blog about this today but then I thought I'd just let the King of Poking Fun at Others do it instead. I KNEW reading what you wrote about it would make me laugh.

When the Hubs told me about this last night, I SERIOUSLY said "Nu-uh" with my jaw agape. I thought he was shitting me (no pun intended) because he KNOWS how things like that gross me the fuck out.

Nope totally serious and totally disgusting.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I bet those were NASA diapers...probably some Tang too.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Of course, now that I think about it, it can also be said that she drove 950 miles FOR tang...

1:22 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Forget about the astronaut...
What is most disturbing about this post is the fact that you drove 800 miles to get to Dayton Ohio.....and you admitted it! That's just wrong!

1:28 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

MCM, yeah, I just heard that. And space tourism just got that much less appealing.

Soozieq, I'm not sure you ever can, or should, be forgiven for that "You've got to be shitting me" comment.

Maggie, it could be said, but probably should not have.

Tysgirl, I actually drove straight to Dayton and then turned left to Miami University, which is in Oxford, OH. Not helping am I?

2:04 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

As ever, people in the US are setting a whole new standard when it comes to killing your lovers sinificant other!

2:55 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Wasn't your country orignally populated by convicts JDR? ;)

3:01 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

She is one astro-nut who may have brought something back from her stay on the space station. Like, maybe, an alien?

3:46 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

The entire thing is just so bizarre~but then when you factor in the diaper?

It becomes a Lifetime movie.... ;-)

3:48 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

W.T.F.?! Seriously, just what alibi do you hand your husband and kids to explain your packing list for THAT business trip?

9:35 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

They were all OVER that story on the radio yesterday, it was hilarious!

It's just so wrong...

5:41 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Nick, we know that she at least brought back diapers.

Big Pissy, Tiffani Amber Thiesen's agent is already on the phone.

Eclectic, I'm guessing it was something along the lines of "Mommy has to run to the store, see you in three days"

Lady K, and yet so rich in material!

8:32 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

I just can't imagine what would be going on in someones head to make them DO something like that.
Any of it.

Guess that's a good thing.
The last thing the world needs is another woman driving across a nation in an adult diaper with duct tape aiming to do someone in.

9:57 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tai, I would argue that we actually need more of that sort of thing.

Which is why none ever listens to me.

11:34 AM  
Blogger shellibells said...

Isn't that the most retarded thing youve heard? Or close to? What's even worse was that was the most talked about part of this whole story, that she wore diapers so she didn't have to stop for potty breaks. I mean, not that she stalked someone down and planned to kidnap and possibly murder, more importantly, she was doing all this while wearing depends.
Fucking fabulous!

12:31 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

I have been waiting for someone to talk about the diaper thing. This is so weird.

12:37 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Actually, no Shelli, this isn't the most retarded thing I've ever heard of. Have you clicked on the link to Steve Novak's blog?

Carrie, anytime there's a news involving diapers and stalkers, I can probably be counted on to comment on it.

2:54 PM  

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