Thursday, March 29, 2007

Gosh I Love Starbucks

Maggie bitched me out for taking so long between posts, so here's another one. Here's a tip folks, if I'm not posting it's because I can't think of anything that would meet the high quality you've come to expect here in the bomb shelter. Or, and this is far more likely, I'm just drunk. Also, our computer at home is having some problems. I believe that the technical term is "shitting the bed", and as a result, among other things, I cannot post from home, nor read comments. I also can't access my 401K, although I think this blog might actually be worth more. Consequently, we're in the market for a new computer. Suggestions?

As you know if you're a long time reader of this blog, a) you have low standards for entertainment, and b) I swim for exercise. Sometimes after swimming at night I go across the street to Starbucks for a hot chocolate. I like to go at night because if I went when they were busy, I'd probably just start swinging at people. They're all just so precious there, tapping away at laptops, sipping a drink loosely based on coffee, and debating which co-op gives the fairest prices to the producers of the Ecuadorean yarn that was used to make their sweaters.

I amuse myself by ordering the "large" hot chocolate. Sometimes they ask if I mean the "venti". I usually just glare at them for a hearbeat and then point at the biggest cup and say "I want one of those". Venti my ass. The cups come with quotes nowadays. Not historical quotes, or even very interesting quotes, just random sayings from the kind of pretentious fucks I usually try to avoid by going to Starbucks only late at night.

Last night's was from some guy named Kevin. Kevin started his quote off by saying "The day my son was born I simultaneously died and was reborn". I found myself wondering if his wife was surprised the first time she saw Kevin's vagina. I hate guys who feel compelled to show the world how sensitive they are by making grandiose pronouncements of how their life changed when they became fathers. Thanks Kev. Before I got that hot chocolate I hadn't been able to put my finger on quite how I felt when my son was born. Neither could all of my other friends who have become fathers. Nope, we had no idea. What an original and thought provoking quote you have there. I wish I was that sensitive and emotional.

If I ever put a quote like that on a mass-produced cup and then showed it to my son he would hit me in the nuts for embarrassing him. And when he did, I'd know I was raising him the right way.

13 Comments:

Blogger Syd said...

Oh vomit.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I definitely can relate to this part of your post: my son he would hit me in the nuts. I'm still psychologically aching from that blow a few months back.

I also try to stay away from S-Bucks and now frequent the local Caribou Coffee across the street from Bucks. Much better atmosphere and the coffee blows Bucks away.

9:24 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

You KNOW that "Kevin" plays with his new vagina all.the.damn.time, right?

I so qualify as the "long term reader of this blog". Boo-yah!

10:03 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Can ya get that hot chocolate spiked with some Dr. McGillicuddy's and a side of porn because that's the only way I'm walking into Starbucks.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Phronk said...

Kevin has inspired me to go pound my girlfriend until she squirts out a son.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I think "Kevin" used to be an engineer. I vaguely remember making someone like him cry a couple of months ago....his name is "Heidi" now.

1:19 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

If you made a statement like that, your son would not be able to hit you in the nuts because you wouldn't have any. I mean, clearly, Kevin doesn't.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

I refuse to say those stupid made up words too. Large is large. Get with the program.

3:54 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I can tell you how Mr JDR felt, given that it is rather recent... happy, but scared as fuck. Aint that the truth?!

5:06 PM  
Blogger Groovy Lady said...

Eww.. if you even thought a quote like that your son shouldn't just hit you in the nuts.. he should hang you up by them and swing your ass back and forth, then cut the suckers off because you damn sure wouldn't deserve to have them.

Reading that quote almost made me ill.. can you tell?

So far I'm a Starbucks virgin.. your post just ensured I'll stay that way. :D

5:14 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

I second syd's sentiment.

7:27 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Syd, that pretty much sums it up.

MCM, don't know about Caribou. Never liked coffee myself. I do like the smell of the beans though.

Soozie, you are THE long-time reader of this blog. No one's been around longer than you. You hear that people? Give it up for Soozie!!

Tysgirl, you want that porn in a Venti size? C'mon, don't pretend you don't.

Phronk, I'm sure Kevin would phrase that more sensitively than you just did. Which is why he probably doesn't get laid all that much.

Maggie, does he have pig-tails and spend a lot of time yodeling in the mountains?

Eclectic, does it ever frighten you that we're on the same page?

Jay, fight the power, sister.

JDR, yes, and that's amuch better way to put it. In fact, if I had looked at my cup and Kevin had said "When my son was born I was happy and scared shitless", I would have said "Amen brother" and probably written a post complimenting him rather than suggesting he had a vagina.

Groovy Lady, OK, it hurt to read your comment. I'm in pain here. Really.

Zoe, Sid does have a way with words doesn't she?

10:06 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I don't drink coffee, so I'm safe from Starbucks....then factor in the fact that the nearest one is a 90 minute drive away...

Kevin should be shot.

5:36 PM  

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