Monday, March 26, 2007

I Come To The Crashing Realization That I Am Old

This Saturday I had a few free moments, a rarity with two kids, and I zipped up the street to have my increasingly shaggy locks trimmed. And by that I mean my mother took the kids so I got the rapidly diminishing hair on my head trimmed, although why I bother doing that is beyond me since nature seems to be determined to take care of that on its own anyway. Stupid genetics.

While waiting my turn I picked up a copy of Maxim or Stuff or some other magazine with Christina Aguilear apparently about to have sex with her pillow on the cover. Lucky pillow.

I took the magazine home. Not because I wanted to have a photo spread of Aguilera around for those late nigth lonely moments when Cinemax is scrambled, (although let's not pretend I'd be above that sort of thing), but because the magazine had an article on good scotch, and I wanted to remember one brand in particular, since they have a 40 year old available that sounds really good, and if I can just persuade my wife that the kids don't really need to go to college, I might be able to afford a bottle.

So basically, at the age of 37 I'm taking home semi-porn magazines for the booze, not the poon. Can driving down the road at 35 mph with my left blinker on for 10 miles be far behind? Probably not, especially if I can get my hands on the Scotch.


Blogger tysgirl said...

I am sadly disappointed that it didn't occur to you to just enjoy the scotch and porn simultaneously. Clearly you aren't the man I thought you were!

9:22 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

A good scotch must be savored. Vigorously rubbing one out with one hand while trying to sip a 40-year old scotch with the other is just inviting disaster.

Plus the scotch really burns when it lands it certain areas. Butter is much better.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

Look at it in another way, there is simply that much porn out there now that you have become somewhat desensitized to it.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

That and complaining about the clothes these kids wear today and don't even get me started on what they call music.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure referring to people as, "kids these days" and "them" and "those" when not used in a redneck racist context, means we are getting old.
I raise my glass in a toast to you. Cheers.

10:36 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

Good scotch and porn? I should have had my birthday party at your house!!

11:09 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Mmmmmmm.... scotch. I'm currently in love with Lagavulin 15, primarily because it's smooth, smoky and still affordable. However, if you ever convince your wife to buy that Highland 40, I'll be happy to help you sip it. (And no, that's not necessarily a euphemism.)

2:30 PM  
Blogger cathy said...

The best way to combine sex and alchohol is a champagne blow job.
Suck your wife's toes and she'll agree to anything!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I got my hands on a 20 year old Macallan scotch a couple of years ago.

It was right up there with rubbing one off...and no, I wouldn't do both at one time.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I can't even bust your balls for this one. I'd rather spend an evening with that bottle of scotch than Aguilera.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Highland Park - even sounds shnazzy!

8:00 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

While I'm not into Aguilera, I can't wrap my brain around chosing booze over porn. Enjoy them together.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Brighton said...

Mmm snatch, I mean scotch...

3:22 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Pixie, it's not so much desensitization, (if that's even a word), to porn as it is rampant alcoholism. But let's keep that our little secret.

PG, you who are in college probably understand this better than anyone, but everytime I drive through UCONN I think "Why are all these high school kids running around on campus". Feh. Kids today!

Soozieq, I'm pretty sure the welcome mat is still on the back porch. No one uses our front door.

Eclectic, I'm currently having an affair with a lovely bottle of Glenrothes. I think that's the right spelling. Stop in for a sip next time you're in the northeast. And that was a euphemism...for drinking scotch.

Cathy, I want to have brunch with you!

Maggie, sure you did. Was it 20 year old Ian Macallan from Edinburgh?

Syd, her new look is better than the old skanky one, but I still prefer the scotch.

Rhonda, you should see the price tag. According to the magazine it's $114 a bottle, but accoridng to the web, that must be a half price sale. More research is needed I fear.

Zoe, either you need better booze or I need better porn. I suggest we meet in the middle and sort this out.

Brighton, now you know that's not fair. There's no way I can rhyme a synoym for vagina with tequila!

8:17 AM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Is the hair turning grey yet? And when your doctor looks like a kid, that's when you feel really old. But sipping good scotch can make you forget.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

It's just plain rude to have a half-naked Aguilera picture on your blog but when you click on it the picture doesn't get any bigger, it just moves to the corner of your screen all alone so you only have this tiny semi-nude hot girl to occupy your mind instead of also having words and a bottle of scotch.

11:50 AM  
Blogger cathy said...

I've read all discworld novels but that isn't what made me so cheeky:)
so brunch it is next time your in Athens, don't forget to bring your wife.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Groovy Lady said...

Wise choice! I would definitely have chosen the booze over the porn too. You can get the porn anytime you want.

But the scotch article listing the 40 yr old.. you might not ever see that again.

6:17 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I'm not a scotch drinker but the packaging alone would make me try that stuff. Perhaps you could write Christina and ask her to send you some.

6:53 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Joe, not so much graying as "thinning like a Malaysian rainforest", which the scoth also helps me forget.

Phollower, I confess, I was not happy with the way that photo came out, but was too lazy to go get another. Good news, however. If you google "Christina Aguilera photos", you will get one or two results.

Cathy, Athens it is. Uh, we're talking about Greece right? Or could it be Athens GA, the home of REM?

Groovylady, see, you get my point exactly! What's wrong with you?

LadyK, she never answers my mail anymore. Must be the restraining order.

9:47 AM  
Blogger Brad the Gorilla said...

Good scotch is much better than porn! For one thing, it mellows you out and doesn't make you itchy.

12:34 PM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

The scotch would make a lovely birthday present for someone. Not that I'm a hinter at all. Because that would be annoying. And obnoxious.


12:38 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Brad, it can make you itchy if you drink too much of it and fall asleep in a patch of poison ivy.

Alkelda, hopefully, Brad will pick up on your non-hint, but don't blame me if he shows up with banana-flavored scotch. You can't trust gorillas in liquor stores.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Is that why it takes you so fuckin' long in between posts?!?!

4:04 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I can't even say anything.

I now get mail on a weekly basis from the AARP.

5:01 PM  
Blogger cathy said...

Athens Greece.

1:49 AM  
Blogger cathy said...

But I'm English

1:50 AM  
Blogger cathy said...

I'm doing

1:51 AM  
Blogger cathy said...

comments in installments today:)

1:51 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Maggie, up yours. I like to build up the comments. I have low self-esteem. You're just making it worse.

BP, my father wanted to sue them when he started getting that.

Cathy, OK then. I'll send Party Girl over as my brunch representative.

8:26 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home