Friday, March 30, 2007

I'm Leavin' On A Jet Plane

Don't know when I'll be back again.

Oh, wait, it says right here on the ticket. Back next Tuesday. Taking a guys only trip to Kansas City to see the Red Sox play Opening Day, which to my mind should be a national holiday. Even though I'm a Yankees fan and will be rooting for the Royals, I can't pass up a trip like this. Even if it does involve getting up at 4:30 am to make the flight out. I am not looking forward to that. Besdies I think once you factor in airfare, the hotel, and the price of the ticket, I am still paying considerably less than I would to get similar tickets to Opening Day at Fenway, and way less than I would for Yankee Stadium. Seriously, I compared them. I'm that anal.

Speaking of anal, here's some lesbian erotica I found in Dan Savage's column, Savage Love.

By Dan Savage

Longtime reader with a vanilla question: What to do about differing libidos? We're a straight couple together 20-plus years, and we've aged well. No weight gain, no radical changes in appearance. We are open and loving, and I am cognizant of her needs and feelings. Yesterday, I read an interview with Joan Sewell, author of I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido, and handed it to my wife and observed that this is the new ideal: women laughing at their male partners and shrugging their shoulders about women's general lack of desire. My spouse can now point at this book and say, "You see, I'm normal, and so are all of my friends, ha ha ha, live with it…"

While I want sex daily, I get it maybe five to 20 times a year—and I am lucky compared to some straight married men! Where are the women you hear about who want sex constantly?

Not Giving Up

I haven't had a chance to read Ms. Sewell's book, NGU, but I devoured Sandra Tsing Loh's review of I'd Rather Eat Chocolate in the current Atlantic Monthly. (Loh's book reviews are worth the price of a subscription.) And I'm saddened to report that, according to Sewell and Loh, there's no such thing as a woman who wants sex constantly. They don't exist—never did.

All that yammering about women with voracious sexual appetites during Sex And The City's long reign of terror? A cruel hoax. A figment of the straight-male imagination, a Big Lie picked up on and promoted by self-serving female "sexperts" eager to tell straight men what they wanted to hear. Women have naturally lower sex drives, Sewell writes. It's a hormonal thing. Testosterone makes humans horny, men have lots more than women, so men are hornier—and all the Sex And The City repeats in the world aren't going to change that.

"So if straight women don't want sex—or as much sex—what do they want? Chocolate, says Sewell, or a good book. Massive amounts of carbs, says Loh, who approvingly writes of a lesbian couple she knows. With no men around demanding sex, Loh's lesbian friends are livin' the dream: "Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza," writes Loh. While they wait for their pizza, "they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa… The Doritos are finished to the last crumb, and then, upon arrival, the pizza as well." (No dessert is mentioned—I imagine it's just one wafer-thin mint.) Teri and Pat are 50 pounds overweight and suffer from "lesbian bed death," but for them, pizza-and-Doritos night is "better than sex." Loh, who has a sex-starved husband at home, is green with envy."

OK, maybe that wasn't the most erotic thing you've ever read. Nor do I particularly beleive that most women have lower libidos than men. In fact, I don't care. No I just mentioned this so that in the event that I ever get to the point that "pizza-and-Doritos night is 'better than sex'", I want one of you people to track me down and kill me.

And for those of you who feel compelled to argue about the sad story of Teri and Pat and their affair with the Dominos guy, (bowm-chicka-bow-wow), you can save yourself the trouble and click here and read the entries from everyone else who already has.

I think at least two of those responses are from Maggie.


Blogger Zoe said...

I am one of these (non-existant) women who wants sex constantly. There is nothing that trumps sex; not chocolate, not pizza and doritos night, not snuggling on the couch, not long walks together, not talking, nothing. Not that those things aren't nice, but they aren't sex. Rather, they are the things you have to do to get sex, I mean maintain a solid relationship.

Did I mention that I'm a lesbian. I would fucking die, if my wife thought the best thing in life was pizza and doritos night. Wait scratch that because anyone who thought that way wouldn't be my wife. 5-20 times a year. Good fucking god, are you fucking kiddng me! Who could survive on that?

10:20 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You suck, I wanna hop on a plane and get the fuck outa dodge!

Hurry back, unemployment won't be the same without you to entertain me!

Have fun!

11:25 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

"Rather, they are the things you have to do to get sex, I mean maintain a solid relationship."

Really Zoe, what's the difference?

11:28 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, I'll be back online Thursday. Hope the butter holds out until then. (Have I beaten that joke to death yet?)

11:30 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I also want sex all of the time, like 5-20 times a week.

I'm also a lesbian. And HG doesn't like pizza, so we're safe from that demise.

Now when I was having sex with men, well 5-20 times a year would have been just fine...

11:36 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LMAO I also want sex all the time, just don't have the "significant other!" Maybe I should invest in some EveReady stocks...

11:49 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

RSG, I would have to guess that lesbians having sex with men probably would prefer pizza to sex.

Lady K, hey, you could always offer an "alternative payment plan" for your new fuel filter and kill two birds with one stone.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

As long as I get to have sex, there is no difference.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Those may or may not be my responses...ask your brother.

I'm one of those non-existant women, non-lesbian, but unfortunately, on a pizza/doritos menu. F*ck it anyway!

12:56 PM  
Blogger Blondie (formerly BeckyD) said...

It's nice to know someone will be cheering for the Royals, they need all the help they can get.

Sorry, I'm a die hard Cardinals fan. Hope you enjoy the game anyway, and it would be nice if the boys in blue could win one. (or two)

2:43 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Have a fun trip - have a cup of SBux hot chocolate... VENTI-sized. lol ;)

7:02 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Go Royals & anyone else who plays the Red Sucks!!!

7:19 PM  
Blogger Groovy Lady said...

So that's what my deal is! I have too much testosterone, and here I thought the only thing that was doing was causing me to sweat. :D

I think the issue with the two lesbians isn't a matter of not wanting to have sex, I think it's that those damn Doritos give you such bad breath that they can't tolerate each other up that close and personal after consuming them. Having to brush your teeth 50 times would kinda ruin the moment.

Have a fun, safe trip!

6:49 AM  
Blogger cathy said...

Greece is full of horny women. Ask the taxi drivers!

3:05 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

I also love sex, and am married to a man.

We women get a bad press....

Have a nice trip !

4:17 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said... sex...married to a man...

we women DO get a bad rap! ;-)

Have fun on your trip! :)

5:32 PM  
Blogger Rainwolf said...

Have a great time.

I made the mistake of letting Lucy read the article. Her head exploded. I guess now I won't have to worry about dying from exhaustion.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Ok so if you ever re-title your blog to anything resembling the words, Doritos or Pizza I'll come put you out of your misery.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

oh and have a blast!!!

7:38 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Have fun on opening day!

9:52 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Love baseball.
Love opening day.
Love the over-priced beer while working on my tan and eating the over-priced hot dog.
I would also love to see a major league game in every city they play in the US before I die.

Cheers! I hope you had a blast!

9:51 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Doritos gross me the hell out, but cheese pizza - now that I could get it on.

10:03 PM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

The major thing (I think) that erodes a sexual relationship is fatigue. However, massage can do a lot to combat fatigue. Chocolate doesn't hurt, either.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Up the Royals!

5:45 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Just a general observation, since there's too many comments to give them the individual attention they so righly desrve, but a lot of you people are total sluts. Seriously. I'm ashamed of you.

And a little jealous of your partners.

12:59 PM  

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