Tuesday, May 01, 2007

And We're Off!

Off to Little League regular season that is. We got our offical schedules on Sunday and had our first game Monday night. Tuesday morning we got our first change to the official schedule. I probably should have expected this, since the League president didn't show up for the Opening Ceremonies, (allegedly due to traveling for business, which many people do on Sunday afternoons), and the speaker mentioned that El Presidente does a lot of work and we should all be patient with her. We had an email to that effect as well during the scheduling morass that preceded Opening Day. In my experience she does do a lot of work in what is basically a thankless task, but unfortunately has a habit of fucking it all up. It's fine to do a lot of work and ask for patience, but for Christ's sake do it right.

Anyway, I think we won the first game. I say I think because two of the other coaches are apparantly veterans of the Special Olympics school of "Everybody Wins Because They Played", and didn't keep score. They would also yell out "Good try!" if our kids even stopped picking their noses long enough to wave in the general direction of the slow ground ball that was turning into a home run. Whereas I was roaming about the field quietly threatening kids if they didn't stand the fuck up and look at the batter. The key to menace, I think, is to get the sun behind you so the first thing the ostensible shortstop sees as he's drawing pictographs in the dirt, is a large shadow looming over him. This should then be followed by a quietly growled "Get your fucking hands out of the dirt and stand up before you get killed wih a line drive" Seems to work.

Or it would if they let us do that. But we can't, so we just have to appeal to their better natures, which works wonders with 8 year-olds. No, as much as I wanted to schedule an impromptu game of "Catch The Line Drive From 6' Away", I only really got on one kid. One of our players is this little pain in the ass who insists he's the best player and should always play first base and hit lead-off. There are three problems with this. He can't catch the ball and he can't hit the ball. Also, he rarely pays any attention, leading to high comedy potential when one of the two kids on our team who can play fields a ball and guns it to first base. Last night he was playing second base, by which I mean he was standing near it dancing in a circle, perhaps to ensure a good corn crop this year, and the other team hit a ground ball that should ahve been an easy out. Our shortstop realizes that Dancing Bear probably isn't going to field the ball and charges across the diamond, picks up the ball and hurls it in the general vicinity of 1B, far too late to throw out Stephen Hawking, let alone the kid who hit the ball. So I sidled up to our second base dancer and mentioned that the ball should have been his, that his teammates were relying on him to catch, not please the Rain Gods, and could he perhaps PULL HIS HEAD OUT OF ASS AND PAY ATTENTION.

It's going to be a loooooooooong season.


Blogger SoozieQ said...

Let me know if you need a "special" trophy for Dancing Bear this year. We have a horse's ass that we can put on top of any column color you like. And you read that right....it's actually a horse's ass figurine (just the ass, no front legs or head). I could also look for a dancing bear wearing a tutu, just let me know.

Good luck this season Limpy!

2:21 PM  
Blogger Tyguy said...

In my opinion the "everyone wins" mentality is crippling a lot of children. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for building confidence and praising individual effort .... but ya gots ta learn to loose sometime. Better when you can go home and cry in your Frosty O's than when you have a mortgage and big time gambling debt riding on it!

Gee thanks Soozie..... now I know what I'm getting for my next B-day (not the bear in the tutu either)!

5:52 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Keep your eyes open for pitching prospects. No hitter & ANOTHER injury. I cannot freaking believe this.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Sounds like Dancing Bear is perfect for the Mariners. They too are going to have a long season.

7:53 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Dude, they're EIGHT. Be thankful they're not chasing after the stray dogs and cats in the park and throwing rocks at them. THEN it would be GO TIME.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I bet Dancing Bear could still out-pitch the entire Yankees staff.

8:43 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Wait...Who won????

8:57 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Sounds like we have the same mantra...
It's all about WINNING!

Play hard or go home!!!

9:04 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Nice. That's the fatherly spirit for you!


11:10 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Soozie, there are many, many people I can think of desrving of such an award. I may need to order a gross just to cover myself.

Tysguy, in fact one of our players cried whenver she struck out. I probably should have stopped throwing her curveballs.

Rat, I suggest shooting the strength and conditioning coach. Seriously, 3 starting pitchers and an OF down with hamstring problems before May2??

Maggie, only if the Mariners start traveling to games via short buses.

Lady-K, actually, some of them are 7. I leave tham alone, because any time they get on the field with both shoes tied, it really is a victory of sorts.

Syd, that's funny because it's true. At least until he blew out his hamstring.

RSG, I'm not sure, I was eyeballing potential lesbians. Actually, I'm pretty sure we won, although there was no official score. My son keeps track in his head.

Rhonda, if the object of the game is to score runs, let's not pretend the ultimate goal is to have a good time. Spike's up kids, slide with spike's up.

JDR, fatherly spirit my ass. The other team had no pitcher, so on a relay throw from one of the infielders I almost nailed one of our kids trying for a home run. If he didn't jump over the catcher and hit the plate with his hand, I would've gotten him too.

That kid was my son. We don't play favorites in baseball.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Goooooooooooooooooooo Team!

I wish life as an adult was like life as a kid...I would actually appreciate it this time. As in, everyone wins, everyone did their best, here's your blue ribbon and your golg star...and of course, a scratch and sniff sticker.

(you're totally going to run with the scratch and sniff, aren't you?)

9:58 AM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

I remembered some "controversial news" that came out a while back...
check this article out;


Anyway, I think it's fairly ridiculous to not keep score because of hurt feeling by the kids!

11:12 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Run with it right to your place PG, right to your place.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Oh man.
When I was a kid, my parents paid for me to be in soccer, which boiled down to about an hour's worth of dandelion-picking time.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Groovy Lady said...

LMAO.. this post took me back a few years. I remember those days all too well since I had one of each kind of player you named.. one took it serious and was good at it, and the other one played in the dirt. My daughter tried one year but she wouldn't even stay on the field, she danced off chasing butterflies instead. :D

If you have any time to spare between threatening children and figuring out your schedule.. I tagged you for a meme. :P

9:40 PM  

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