Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Road Head, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My Fellow Highway Travelers

I probably need to apologize to whoever wrote Dr. Zhivago for that title, but I can't remember his name right now, so screw him. I'm sure one of my more literate readers will fil in the blanks later on.

WARNING: This post contains adult subjects and may not be suitable for all audiences. In other words, it's about a blow-job.

During my last two years in college I dated one girl exclusively. Right after college we broke up, causing me much consternation over all the girls, (all both of them), that I had turned down while with this girl, thereby missing opportunities to have sex with new, strange women. Even if one of them was really tall and had a pronounced Adam's apple. Let that be a lesson to all you youngsters out there. It's better to regret something you have done than regret something you haven't done. So even as your standing at the urinal experiencing burning pain while peeing, hey, there's always penicillin, and later on you can post about it on your blog instead of saying, "gee, I wish I had let that stripper blow me"

Speaking of blow-jobs...

This girl, while wasting two years of prime girl chasing years that I'll never get back, could be a lot of fun. And occasionally spontaneous. Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, both spontaneous and fun at the same time. Like the time we were driving from my place, (OK, I was living in my parents basement at the time, but I was still in college. And I had stopped playing D&D by then), to Hartford and she leans over from the passnger seat and starts undoing my fly. She's never done this before. Well, not while driving. And neither had I. While driving. A couple of seconds later and she's going down on me while we drive through the main street leading out of town. Naturally, my driving abilities are affected, and not in an enhanced kind of way. I'm a little slow realizing that traffic lights have turned green for instance. One guy behind us is getting kind of pissed as I drive slower, faster, left, right, left, left, left, RIGHT!, slow, fast, for a couple of miles. We finally reach the point in the road where there are two lanes and he can fly past me. As he does I look over and see him start to bring his finger up in the universal gesture of love and respect that we all know from the road. Then he sees my girl's head bobbing up and down and instantly, (even faster than I got better service at the clothing store in the last post), he gets a huge smile, flips his hand over with a big ol' thumbs up, hits the horn twice and drives off waving out the window, happy as a pig in shit for his fellow man.

While that horn blowing did lead to the end of the car activities, it did leave me with an indelible impression. And blue balls. Which are definitely not a myth.


Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Really? That's not a myth. But you don't DIE from it, right?

11:29 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Indelible impression? Did she bite? Clearly the bitch didn't love you!

12:13 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

RSG, blue balls are not a myth. I've had them, but only once. They do not occur nearly as often as guys claim they do, and you should feel free to tell your daughters that. Plus, the cure is masturbating, and it's not like guys need a prescription for that.

Tysgirl, but, but, but she said she loved me!

12:52 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Clearly your own fault, since he wouldn't have been trying to flip you off, and thus wouldn't have noticed her head bobbing, if you hadn't been driving eratically (or should I say, "erotically"), in the first place. Thus, the moral of the story as far as I can tell, is that if you don't want to have blue balls, drive responsibly.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

And that's Dr.Strangelove, not Dr. Zhivago.;)

11:13 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

You KNOW what he was speeding off to do, right? I'm sure to this day he's thanking you for the spank-bank material.

I was seeing a guy, did the "road trip" on him, and we got pulled over because the cop thought he was drunk. I tried to explain what I was doing to the cop, but he made ME drive home. That's how I learned to drive a stick. No pun intended.

7:03 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, actually, there was no moral to the story. Nor any morals.

Alkelda, I am so embarrassed, but thanks nonetheless for pointing out what a moron I am.

Lady K, oh yes, the old "Officer, it wasn't his fault, I was blowing him" defense. I'm somehwat surprised that didn't work, but more surprised the cop didn't give you his card.

9:58 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Fucking hilarious!

6:24 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Cracked me up, man. A few years ago an old friend flew out from NY. We had been friends for years & I had tried endlessly to get in her pants. When she called me out of nowhere after having gotten my number through a string of people, it didn't occur to me why she was coming out. I just assumed she wanted some warm CA weather in the winter. We were driving around & she did a similar thing. I cracked up thinking I had my own place. Far be it from me to ruin the mood with logic. Then we hit the red light & I saw the van pulling up next to us. I thought I had to be a gentleman and tell her she was about to be spotted. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. No way. If you're okay with them watching, so am I.

Of course it was a middle aged woman. I didn't get the honking & thumbs up, but I didn't get blue balls either as she saw the deed through.

I forgot all about that. Thanks for the memory. I should email her & see if she wants to come out for a visit.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

a honk of a horn made her quit?!
no wonder you left her.
You did leave her...right?

12:13 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

JDR, that's what I'm here for.

Rat, you, uh, wouldn't happen to have that number around would you?

Rhonda, it wasn't the horn so much as my laughing. She actually left me if you want to get technical about it, but since she was moving for work and I was moving for school and we weren't going in the same direction, it was pretty much inevitable. We're still friendly on the rare occasions we see each other, (mutual friends), but for some reason she won't let me drive her anywhere. Can't figure it out.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I thought it said "inedible impression". Can you have a Freudian slip while reading?

10:56 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

LOL! - and I so read it like Phollower above me... "inedible". LMAO!!

Great story... thx for sharing.
Hope ya found the cure for the blue balls not long after. ;)

11:01 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LMAO no kidding, huh???

12:10 PM  
Blogger cathy said...

So did you hear about the car wreck where they found the guy's severed penis inside his girlfriend's mouth?

2:34 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

No, but I did dig out the video she wanted to record while here & watched that last night. Thanks. It took me 15 minutes to find, but was worth it. I may just toss it in again since this first inning of the Yankees shit fest is making me mad.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

No no, I wasn't pointing out any moron-ness. Silly! It was meant to be dramatic understatement. You wrote a saucy road-story, after all. It's like you coming into class wearing a pair of Vulcan ears and me saying, "Hey, nice shirt."

Oh, never mind. I'm such a nerd.

11:42 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Phollower, apparently you can. And so can Lil Bit.

LB, yeah, the cure's pretty obvious. Messy, but obvious.

Cathy, no, but as an attorney I'd say that's pretty good evidence as to who was at fault. And an even better "hasn't he been punished enough?" defense!

Rat, a one game winning streak!! Crack open the Guinness!!

Alkelda, no harm no foul. I was more upset that I put Zhivago instead of Strangelove, since I watched the latter just a couple of weeks ago.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I love your college were SUCH the "All-American Boy" *LOL*

11:01 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

We'll make those Red Sucks our little bitches yet!

7:43 PM  
Blogger Whimsical Ranter said...

And I thought I was bad for giving my hubby one on a plane.

What else are the blankets for?

Just out and about looking at blogs tonight. I'm sure I'll visit again.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Ah, memories.

Memories of last month, but nonetheless, memories.
Here's my beep-beep and thumbs-up to you!

7:46 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

BP, let's not pretend that every other "All-American College Boy" doesn't have a similar story.

Rat, the lead's down to 9.5 games!! World Series here we come!!

Whimsical Ranter, if you're the kind of gal who likes these stories, well feel free to drop by any time. Or to any of the perverts who comment here.

PG, I KNEW you looked familiar!!

8:44 AM  

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