Tuesday, June 12, 2007

And That Reminds Me Of Another Story

Yesterday one of the big news stories around here was about a bomb threat in which some numbnuts called the state cops and said that a bomb was going to go off in a local high school. In a stunning display of originality, the little scamp wouldn't say what school, only the county. This led to the delay or closing of numerous schools, and will probably lead to an arrest in the near future when the moron brags to the wrong person about calling in the funny bomb threat and that person turns his ass in, with said ass then being turned into hamburger meat in the local jail. All that because they didn't study for the history final. Next time, junior, here's a tip from your Uncle Limpy: We won the American Revolution.

But that story took me back, like so many other things around here have an unfortunate tendency to do, to college. Where, as a young man, I enrolled for some reason in Economics 101. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with fulfilling a credit requirement for my degree. Because god knows to this day my knowledge of economics consists almost entirely of knowing that there are two lines marked "supply" and "demand" that control all the prices in the world. As opposed to the Jews.

At any rate, I stumbled through the semester learning about all sorts of fascinating things that happen when the hamburger market collapses and is replaced by peas, or when the widget factory goes out of business, or whatever other unrealistic example our professor could come up with. The time came for the final exam. The final for Econ 101 was scheduled for the early afternoon of the second to last day before the college closed for the winter break. If you've spent any time at all here, you know that I was planning on getting righteously blitzed after taking this exam. I had a chance to make Dean's list and I studied very hard to make sure Econ 101 and those goddamn peas wouldn't ruin it.

Incidentally, I made Dean's list every single Fall semester and not one single Spring semester. I'm sure there's a facinating thesis in there somewhere, but I'm not going to write it.

The time for the exam arrived and, dutifully scrubbed and carrying two No. 2 pencils, I arrived at the hall where the test was to be held. Only to find a squadron of cops, and the state version, not the yokels who usually wandered around campus, and several fire trucks. And a horde of people leaving the building. As luck would have it, I stumbled on my friend, (and unrequited crush), KJ, who told me that there was a bomb threat, and no tests were going forward until 6 pm.

6 pm! What the hell? I've got two cases of beer back in my room! Corona no less! (Splurging on a college budget = Coronas. Don't judge me). That's not going to work. I'd have to wait, like 5 hours!

Now, a rational person would have taken this as an opportunity to cram another four hours of study and maybe a nap in before taking the test. But by now, faithful reader, you've undoubtedly realized that "rational" and "Limpy" are two concepts not often in synch with each other, and this afternoon would be no exception. I went back to the dorm, looked at my notes, tossed them in the corner, went down to lunch, and then started cracking beers. I did modify my intake and kept it to 3-4 before wandering off, and I do mean "wandering", to the exam room. There, pleasantly buzzed, I set about filling in the little blank ovals. Then, finishing before most of the class, I returned to my room and joined in the year end revelry.

A few weeks later I got my report card. Econ 101. B+.

That's when I learned the last thing I still remember from that class. There is one HELL of a curve in that class.

Also drinking too much Corona requires a lot of reading material the next morning.


Blogger eclectic said...

Corona?!?! Dear lord... college is hell, isn't it?

1:54 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

At the time it was liquid gold. Usually we got Schmidt's.

2:02 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I have a Economics Degree. I guess that means I didn't drink quite *enough* beer in college.

Ok that's sheer and utter bullshit. I drank more beer in the four years I attended college than I have in the cumulative years of the entire rest of my life.

2:27 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

You must have been rich, we had to drink Old Milwaukee Pounders.

3:00 PM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

People are dicks.


5:44 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

It's all about the break even point.

Several lines in there cracked me up, but I won't be gay & tell you line by line how funny your post was.

And, no, that clothing requirement does NOT - I REPEAT, NOT - apply to you. The mere thought makes me need a beer. Shiver me timbers.

I remember as a freshman in my economics class reading what was clearly two separate graffiti writers:

What was Jim Morrison's message?

Buy low, sell high.

I cracked up. They clearly got the desk from the liberal arts wing before the second person answered. Any time I think of that, it still cracks me up.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I had a professor in grad school whose test-taking theory, which he reminded us of each class before a test was scheduled, was “set aside your notes and get drunk the night before the test. If you don’t know the stuff by then cramming won’t help but drinking may.”

8:02 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

you remind me of me and statistics. were it not for z-scores i'm certain my first semester of statistics would have been an abysmal failure. lucky for me though i managed to eke by with a 51% the second term was better with 75%, but that was easier because the prof was really interested in making us understand. i'm so glad i'm done with that...well, until i have to do my honours research thesis, but that's not until this coming fall so i don't have to worry about it.

9:14 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

As opposed to the Jews.

So wrong. Yet, so funny.

9:30 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Can I ask you a question??? If I can, send me your e-mail addy at mine at rsg at recoveringstraightgirl dot com. I promise it's painless.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Good GOD on crystal meth in apache junction, batman...

11:39 PM  
Blogger cathy said...

corona? I thought that was a cigar!

1:03 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Maybe you should try more tasks while pleasantly buzzed, you might be able to improve other skills.

Probably not the 2 handed sword thing though- that could get messy.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I'm amazed you managed to put "rational" and "Limpy" in the same sentence, much less in the same thought!

7:16 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Soozieq, sounds like you have some catching up to do! As Benjamin Franklin once said "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"...Although that really doesn't explain Piels.

RSG, don't think for a minute I'm not familiar with the "taste", (and I use that term loosely), of Old Milwaukee. Hmmm. Sweatsocks!

JDR, generally speaking, yep.

Rat, I once had a graffitti war on my desk in a history class with a kid in another class. By the end of the semester we had covered the whole desk. When we stopped for a week or so a couple of other people wrote on the desk asking us to keep it going.

Nick, actually, excpet for the getting drunk part, that's pretty accurate. beofr math exams I'd usually play cards. If I didn't know it then, I wasn't gonna learn it in 6 hours either.

And I didn't. But I play some mean setback!

DW, good luck with the thesis. Perhaps next I'll tell the story of how I hit my Stats 106 professor in the head with a paper airplane.

Syd, I kid because I love. And because I thought the line was too funny to pass up.

RSG, hell if Syd has it you're harmless.

LK, I don't know what that means, but it sounds like you got some good meds going there. Don't be selfish now.

Cathy, it is indeed a cigar as well, but sice those things make my face turn green, I here refer to the Mexican beer.

Tysgirl, how do you think my kids were conceived?

Maggie, it only works when you also put the word "exclude" in the same sentence.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I'd give you a story about one of my college finals but I dropped out loooong before I made it that far through a semester.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Corona, hell back in my day it was a case of Naty Night. Oh yeah.

me to step-dad when he first became my step-dad some 10+ years ago who is a connoisseur of Nat. Light.

Me: "Why don't you splurge and buy at least Bud Light, or something half-way decent."

SD: "Because with the amount of beer I consume on a daily basis I would be in the poor house if I drank anything more expensive."

Gotta love that. He also smokes generic cigarettes. Class. Total class. Great man, though and that's what really matters.

Anywho: Where was this helpful post last Thursday when I took my macro test? Supply and demand vs. the Jews. Damn. I was so close to getting that one right. So close.

10:54 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Phollower, we also accpet stories about drunken board games. Well, no, not really.

PG, that reminds me of another college story. My friend Jim drank something called Leibotschaner Creme Ale, which he bought by the case for like $5.99. His Dad came up for a visit saw a case or three in Jim's room, shook his head, pulled out $20 and said, "You're going to go blind drinking that shit. Go buy something good"

11:48 AM  
Blogger Whimsical Ranter said...

I hate bomb threats. I worked for a law firm which had them frequently (pre 9/11), it sucked because the partners would leave and make us keep working--it still doesn't seem fair, after all shouldn't the captain (or in this case the partners) go down with the ship.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Gordita said...

I love your college stories.

5:10 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

WR, that sounds like the worst place imaginable, except that one firm I worked at wehre some of the partners were the kinds of people who phone in bomb threats.

Gordita, stick around. There's more.

6:06 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Are the any stories involving band camp?

just wonderin'.

9:44 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, I only went to Boy Scout camp. Yep, Boy Scout camp. ooooh boy.

1:13 PM  

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