Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Deus Ex Machina

This is a picture of Alyssa Milano

And this is a picture of Luis Tiant

And this is the story of how I saw both of them this weekend and got an autograph from one of them. It's also the story of divine intervention and good people, (me), getting good things, (tickets to the Yankees-Red Sox at Fenway), instead of having to sit through an interminable visit with people they don't like.

Growing up my wife spent a lot of time with her then best friend, who for our purposes we'll call Emily. Emily was the class valedictorian, went to church, had fine, upstanding parents, and a brother who was an Eagle Scout. Scrubbed, apple-cheeked children. Of course, in high school, Emily dated my brother, so I knew things about her that most people didn't. The look of horror on her face when she found out my wife was marrying into her high school boyfriend's family must have been priceless.

But I digress.

They still keep in touch, and that's all well and good. But I don't like her parents because to me they just have an air of superiority about them. And nothing drives me crazier than having to sit through an evening with superior-feeling people, especially when my wife likes them and I'm therefore not allowed to set their cars on fire. But Sunday it looked like I was going to have to go. I'd agreed to since it was important to my wife, and I figured I could parlay that into something down the road.

Then my buddy called. An hour before we were going to leave. Holding an extra ticket to the Yankees-Red Sox game that night. Wondering if I could go at the last minute. It was like getting a last minute call from the governor saying that the DNA tests had cleared you of the murder and they were shutting downn Old Sparky for the night. There are few things that will get me off the hook without reprecussions, but such a ticket is one of them. Outright bribery is another. Saved by the hands of the gods, (hence the catchy title!), and a golden ticket such that Charlie himself never saw, I was off to Fenway.

Since it was unseasonably cold, and my friend had taken the precaution of dressing in shorts and a T-shirt, (I read the weather report and had jeans and fleece. I'm a nerd like that. But a warm nerd), we had to stop at a souvenier shop so he could pay $75 for a sweatshirt and stave off hypothermia. I bought beer. And staved off dehydration.

In the souvenier shop were several models and Alyssa Milano. Apparently she's got a clothing line for baseball stuff aimed at women who want to look "fashionable." Or, judging from the appearances of the clothing line, like whores. Which I, for one, am wholly in favor of. And, as an added bonus, if you bought something, Alyssa would authograph it.

Or you could go across the street to Luis Tiant's restaurant, buy yourself a really tasty Cuban sandwich, and get a free autograph. I got him to autograph my Yankees hat. He gave me some grief about being a Yankees fan, but laughed and signed it when I pointed out that I watched him pitch for the Yankees for two years.

Of course, if Milano was offering blow-jobs, I probably would have foregone the Cuban sandwich.


Blogger Party Girl said...

Green like the Fenway Monstah, I am.
Green with unbelievable envy.
Tickets to a Sox/Yank game? Gods be damned.

I'm happy for you. No, really.

That $75 hoodie your friend bought was probably the same $75 hoodie I had to buy since it was 35 degrees the night I was there.

Still awesome.

9:40 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

It was 54 and wet when we were there. Money well spent for him.

10:17 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I don't know. Cuban sandwiches are damn good.

11:15 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Admittedly I'm accustomed to checking out guys, not girls... but Alyssa Milano?? Hot! How did you NOT ask her to autograph your dick??

11:25 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

My kids would have killed to have the Alyssa Milano autograph. Of course, she would have had to sign it "Phoebe".

And let's keep the clothing line to ourselves. Strawberry Shortcake is a trampy as I'm willing to get right now.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

54 and wet.

Much like my last date.

11:42 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

RSG, yes they are. But they aren't that good.

Eclectic, hell, I don't want to frighten the girl.

Maggie, Raggedy Andy tells me that Strawberry Shortcake is actually a huge whore.

PG, I'm confused. Is that a good date or a bad date?

12:17 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I'm going to let you off the hook and not ask what you'd have chosen if Tiant was offering blow-jobs.

2:34 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

That's good because I'm laughing too hard to answer.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I have some Milano Yankee photos I'll post for you. Luis Tiant. The good old days. To me, he's always a Red Suck. Good comeback though. I had a really tasty Cuban dish a few years back. Her name was Joanna. Most beautiful eyes ever and the tits ... fughetaboutit!!!

6:20 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I assume, Limpy, that you didn’t get an autograph at Alyssa Milano’s shop because you bought nothing there, not even for your wife, because, although you may not mind whores, you, like most dudes, do not want your wife dressing like one. Except, maybe, in private—just for you. Am I anywhere in the ballpark?

7:32 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

it sucks that you can't set their cars of fire. you could've kept your friend warm and saved him the money of buying the sweatshirt. :) sort of killing two birds with one torch...or something like that.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

If I were to switch teams, I could DO Alyssa. Have you SEEN the outfits she wore on "Charmed?" Have you seen her latest commercial for "Veet?"

Then again, it just creeps me out that my brother was hot for her as a kid on "Who's the Boss." Just...EWWW.

11:43 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

54 and wet? Dude, that would be bad.
Old enough to be my dad, bad.

6:48 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Way to think with your brain- and not your dick, Limpy.

6:48 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Rat, but were you able to make a sandwich out of it??

Nick, I would buy Alyssa's clothes for my wife in a second, except they all had Red Sox logos on it. I have no problem with my wife dressing however she wants, but I'll be damned if she's going to do it in a Red Sox shirt!

DW, of course, the problem with that would be getting the car into the stadium, but I'll work on it.

Lady K, I can only watch a few minutes of "Charmed" at a time. Longer if Rose McGowan isn't wearing much.

6:50 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, well, know that I know 54 meant age and not, well, size, everything's much clearer. And less intimidating.

Tysgirl, I know,it happens so rarely I should really have a party.

8:14 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Will there be ponies and clowns at your party?

5:32 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

and balloons!

5:51 AM  

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