Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends

Today's title is ripped striaght from the title of a show that my kids like to watch. I watch it sometime with them, because as kid's shows go, it's pretty funny. Unlike "The Naked Brother's Band", which is so bad that it makes me wish I was a Muslim cleric so that I could impose a fatwa of death on everyone associated with the show. I mean really, why is a 8 year old singing a song called "Long Distance Relationships Will Kill You"? Seriously, what's long distance to you? Three rows away in history class. No, those relationships won't kill you, especially if I get there first.

Back on the subject, this summer we've opened "Limpy's Home For Wayward Class Pets" Seems the 4th grade has a class pet, a frog called "Jerry Springer" Get it? Springer? Frog? Gosh those 4th graders slay me. Anyway, with no one in class all summer, Jerry needed a good home for a few months. Tough shit for him there weren't any good ones available, but ours was. So on the last day of school I showed up and damn near herniated myself carrying a half-full aquarium tank up the stairs to my son's room, sloshing water all over the place as I went. Jerry seemed upset but survived.

Jerry, it turns out, is an African Clawed Frog. A friend of mine is a herpetologist, (someone who molests reptiles), so I called him and asked for advice. He told me that these frogs were nearly impossible to kill, (is that a dare?), and just to throw it food regularly and we should cruise right through the summer. Which is good, because I think the 4th grade teacher was a little frightened after the conversation we had as I was loading little Jerry into the trunk.

Her: (in a whisper so the kids didn't hear her) "Last year we sent out two frogs, but only one came back. So don't worry if he dies"

Me: "I'm not. It's a frog."

But I think we'll try to keep Jerry around. It turns out he likes to sing all night in the dark, and it's kind of funny. And it keeps my son in his room all night, instead of wandering into our room.

In fact, Jerry may stay with us longer than the 4th grade thinks.


Blogger SoozieQ said...

You can just lie to the kids. Tell him the frog died and then keep him. Of course this would mean that you'd have to enlist your own child into the ploy. No big deal. Just teaching him young how lying and stealing is a good thing! Everyone wins :-)

10:22 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Good thinking Soozie. It'll be like sending him to law school early!

10:48 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

I'm thinking you just do a little switcharoo. Replace 4th grade classes Jerry with a look alike and keep the real Jerry.

10:56 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You put Jerry in the trunk, have you no heart?

Did you try kissing him to see if he'd turn into a prince?

11:31 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

The first paragraph of this post cracked me up....

so did the rest of it....but the first paragraph was my favorite.

Just so you know.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

If you flash him your tits, does he throw ya some beads?!

11:46 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

And I soooo love the big, purple monster with horns and a mexican accent on Foster's.

Plus, any show named after a beer can't be all bad.

11:47 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Zoe, we may just buy another frog ourselves. I'm pretty sure they all do the same thing. Sing, float, eat and eventually turn up floating upside down at the top of the tank.

Tysgirl, if I wasn't clear, he was in a half-filled aquarium at the time. I didn't just toss the frog into the trunk. And no, I haven't made out with the frog yet. Although I have heard you can lick them for some kick-ass hallucenogenic effects. Back in a sec...

BP, that's me all over. Get off to a flying stop and then skid to a stunning end of mediocrity. OK, that was four tries and I'm still not sure I spelled "mediocrity" correctly.

Maggie, come to CT and we'll find out.

And Blue cracks me up. I loves me a little blue sociopath.

12:36 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

First: I like that cartoon.

Second: Remember, no licking the frog.

Third: Maybe you should keep Jerry so that your son stays in his room, or get a look-alike frog.

D, I mean Fourth: Garsh, but I do wish we lived closer together. If for no other reason than to share sarcastic quips, like, "...he's a frog" I mean, the blog is fun, but beer, baseball, and sarcasm? That's the American Dream, baby.

Why are all the good fun one on the web and not in real life?

1:21 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I'm going to have to see one of these things for myself, it sounds pretty amusing! Cool that he sings all night in the dark. Now I want one.

And I want to watch that cartoon, too. After today I'm gonna need something mindless.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Mr. Springer sings all night?
what a cool frog.
but does he give warts?

2:41 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I really want to see a picture of you licking a frog.


2:43 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Just don't fry him up for dinner and tell your kid, "It tastes just like chicken."

3:30 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I ashamed to say I didn't get the Springer name until you explained it so on behalf of all of us that took the short bus to the 4th grade, thanks.

"I'm not." - killed me.

My ex-box (a.k.a., Mr. Dickhead) has called me about 10 times in the 3 months since he has left. I have not returned one call. Quick on the uptake, he is not. So I get in today & there is a message that another guy in my office, Darren, told Dickhead I felt guilty for not calling. Dickhead says in his message to get over my guilt, and just call.

I proceeded to tell him I don't know where Darren gets his information, but I assured him I FELT NO GUILT. I further explained I could have gone years and years without returning his calls. He didn't know what to say so he said good-bye. I did to, if "CLICK" counts.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Such a big heart you have, Limpy, to open you home a frog. I hope all of you have a good summer.

6:53 PM  
Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

Shit, I'm getting 2 frogs then! anything to keep the kids out of the bedroom!!!

7:20 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG: Well, after you get done touring Budapest, make Hartford your next stop. It's like Cleveland without the frills. But it is near the Mets, Yanks and Sox.

LK, the Cartoon Network and Nickolodeon are your keys to mindless entertainment.

Rhonda, so far he has not dished out any warts. He's actually rather smooth himself.

Tysgirl, remember when, on your blog, I said you needed to get out more? Comments like that aren't helping.

RSG, hey, you dispose of frog carcasses your way, and I'll dispose of frog carcasses my way.

Rat, sounds like Darren needs a good kick in the ass.

Nick, big heart and wrenched back. I'm getting help carrying the aquarium back to class.

Littlesassy, no kidding. last year I bought them each in air conditioner to keep them out.

7:50 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

So the ugly truth is revealed: Jerry Springer is actually an halucinogenic African Frog most at-home in a fourth-grade classroom. And also, at your house. Just wait until his "guests" show up with all their baby daddies.

9:12 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, we call them "tadpole daddies" around here.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Nonny said...

I like "Foster's Home", Bloo is very funny. I also agree with you about "The Naked Brothers Band", soooo stupid. I'm ashamed to admit that "Drake and Josh" has kinda grown on me and now I find myself humming the theme song at inappropriate times.

Picture of frog please!

12:55 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Bite me, I get out plenty. I just don't go to the movies! Mostly because the majority of them suck!

And I'm guessing there isn't anyone here that wouldn't find humor in you licking a frog!

6:16 AM  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Not a fan of the frog?

6:45 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

By the way, I found the missing bear from your hike- check out my blog.

7:23 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Nonny, I am reluctant to take a picture of the frog. He freaks out if you just lean in close to him. I can only imagine what a flash would do.

Tysgirl, true dat, but then, you people are sick bastards and I refuse to pander to you. (See if you can spot the lie in that sentence!)

JDR, I'm a big fan of the frog. I haven't had to carry my son into his own room all summer!

Tysgirl, that's not our bear. You can clearly tell he's not from CT becuase he's not wearing loafers and an Izod shirt.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Deathboy said...

We had an African clawed toad that lived nearly 8 years. She got big enough to eat goldfish. They're virtually indestructible, as pets go.

If you do decide to get your own, and the singing is important, make sure you get a male. Apparently the females don't sing. Maybe your herpetologist friend could tell you a better way to determine this, but I don't think I want to know.

The best "take home the class pet" story I've heard is from my brother. Apparently one year one of his classmates was asked to take home the class bunny because her dad raised rabbits and they had extra cage space.

And then they accidentally ate the bunny.

(actually, this may be an urban myth, but it's still funny)

12:29 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Jerry is a long-distance relative of Michigan J. Frog! Isn't he?!?! lol

7:59 AM  

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