Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Don't Read And Eat

There's a new weight-loss drug available over the counter. It's called Alli. Today's paper lists some of the side effects.

oily discharge


uncontrolled bowel movements!!!

The drug is manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline. Their spokesman say that the side effects are exaggerated, (because a pant load of crap can't be all that bad right?), and one of them actually said "They actually served as a positive feedback tool. (emphasis mine) It reminded them that they cheated on their diet."

Uh, yeah. You know what? If I've just shoveled a sheet cake into my gaping maw, I already know I cheated on my diet. I don't need to shit myself 15 minutes later to make the lightbulb in my head go off.

Here's my own radical solution to weight loss. A) Eat less B) Exercise. It'll work. And you won't shit yourself.


Blogger eclectic said...

Dude, you're killing me here. "Exercise more, eat less." Really?? Don't you have something a little less extreme, like say, a drug that will give you oily anal leakage instead?! And to think I came to you for help. What a fool I've been.

11:00 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Wow, that's like Rocket Science. I wish I would have thought of it myself.

11:06 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Okay, while it's gross and everyone should know better, I will just come right out and say that I find it hysterical that shitting yourself was said to be a "positive feedback" tool.

Kinda like wrecking on your motorcycle and not wearing a helmet.

11:19 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Your brilliance never ceases to amaze me. What other golden words of wisdom can you share with us O Wise One?

12:05 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, well, if you're really determined to go the oily discharge route, I think Taco Bell should get the job done nicely.

RSG, it is a hard concept to grasp isn't it? "Hmmm, if I don't eat this entire sheetcake, and instead go for a walk, I won't weigh 430 lb.!"

Maggie, see, excellent analogy. The next time that person rides a motorcycle, (after having been revived from the dead), they'll remember to wear a helmet. Maybe not their own name, but they'll remember the helmet!

Tysgirl, I have many such advanced words of wisdom. I shall share one more with you. "Look both ways before crossing the street." Whew, the work I had to put in on that one.

12:10 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I'd rather just put a picture of my fat ass on the fridge as a reminder to eat less than to shit my pants. But maybe that's just me.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Your diet plan is WAY TOO RADICAL!!! No one will EVER go for that plan. Besides, where's the money making opportunity & the overnight infomercial opportunity. Go shovel your sheet cake and commie propaganda in some other country that has time for your silly plan!

12:30 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Of course, there's also the chance that the motorcyclist will shit himself every time the microwave 'dings!' too.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Note to self: Shitting oneself is bad. Limpy said so. Discountinue doing so in public immediatly.

...and in the privacy of your own home. Must.use.toilet.

Got it. It's going in my long-term.

12:34 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Soozie, with all the stuff the kids bring home I haven't seen the surface of the fridge in about two years. I know it's there though, since the kids take hundreds of dollars of food out of it every week. There's a weight loss secret! Have kids, and they'll eat so much you won't be able to afford to. Fucking growth spurts.

Rat, that's exactly what galls me about "shit-in-your-pants" diet pills. Everyone's too fucking lazy to just work out and too damn irresponsible to eat less. And that's coming from someone who refuses to give up chocolate shakes and cheesebrugers come hell or high water. Life should be lived. Just with clean underwear.

Maggie, now I'm going to snicker every time the microwave dings.

PG, you are undoubtedly the first person in history to decide something is bad because a guy named "Limpy" said so.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Nonny said...

I just saw the commercial for Alli last night. First time I'd ever heard of it. I will say they made no mention of the side effects during the commercial, though there may have been some disclaimer at the bottom.

During the commercial they do stress the importance of diet and exercise. They just don't stress that failure to follow said instructions would result in a brown blow-out.

Wasn't oily discharge a side effect of Olestra?

2:27 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...


You could write a book;
Limpy's Diet
People would buy it.
You'd be the next rave.
Good Morning America would want you......

4:23 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

this is the exact same side effect that some other "diet" drug had a few years ago....

will people never learn?

7:17 PM  
Blogger Whimsical Ranter said...

fear of crapping yourself uncontrolled can lead to eating less. Or an increased sales in adult diapers. Maybe both?

No one wants to eat less, and exercise, at least without the fear of shitting themselves. How about take Alli, eat a whole cake and go to an aerobics class...Don't forget the thong....Now there is a mental image that would keep me from reaching for the Oreo Cookies.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Any drug that promises anal secretions is alright in my book.

I'm on the sunflower seed/beef jerky/sugar free energy drink diet.

I think I'm losing weight.

3:47 AM  
Blogger dykewife said...

i guess that is for those people who have no adventure in their lives. think of the exercise they'll get running to the toilet

7:09 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Dude. Gross. Seriously.

I say eat anything with olestra or whatever that shit is. Pun totally intended. Just...ewww...

7:37 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I shall avoid Alli. I already have all of those side effects.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

Oh you're no fun!
Shit is nature's sandbox!
Minus the sand. And the box.

Wait. What?

5:35 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

If the Yankees lost tonight, I may have flown to NY to kill Cano. Missing 3rd base when running. WTF?!?!?

8:52 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Nonny, Olestra's side effect, as I recall, was described as "anal leakage" Makes you want to run out and get some don't it?

Rhonda, anyone buying a book entitled "limpy's (anything)" deserves what they get. Which in the case of a diet book is probably Hepatitis.

BP, no, no they will not.

Actually Whimsical, that image should keep me from eating much of anything for awhile.

MCM, and I'm losing weight from your first sentence. Go Tigers!

DW, I think they might burn more calories on the toilet. Whatever gets the job done I guess.

LK, and your cooking sounded so good beofre that Olestra comment.

Nick, you have my sympathies.

Blondie, you're drunk commenting aren't you?

Rat, take Petitte out while you're there. Save the inevitable air far on the return trip.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Ewwwwwww, I heard about this new "revolutionary" drug. what the hell? I swear, the side effects of all the drugs out there slay me. Who is gonna take the chance to shit themselves in the most inappropriate places and times just to lose a pound or two?
Lazy fuckers, that's who. LOL

7:55 AM  

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