Thursday, August 23, 2007

I Wish I Was This Funny

"Saturday, April 17, 1991 (N) at [REDACTED]

11 PM: GUAPO ENTERED PARTY AT 138 COLLEGE AVENUE; Guapo approached Julie McCracken; Guapo struck out looking; Guapo approached Leigh Allen; Guapo struck out; Guapo spilled drink all over Allen in the process; Guapo approached Kristina Paige; Guapo struck out; Guapo ejected from Party by Paige's boyfriend; 0 H, 3 E. Guapo 0, World infinity.

12 AM: GUAPO ENTERED DORM; Guapo approached by Francine McDermott; McDermott was visibly intoxicated; Guapo reached on an error by McDermott; Guapo threw a wild pitch; Guapo ejected by McDermott; 1 H, 2 E. Guapo 1, World infinity."

An explanation is in order. I love baseball the way John Daly loves cigarettes, gambling, floozies and Coke. It's kind of an addiction. I also have a low tolerance for people dumber than I am, which fortunately keeps the pool of potential targets kind of low. It does not, however, rule out sports commentators, who I find with few exceptions to be mind-numbingly irritating. Firejoemorgan, which I link to over there, does a phenomenal job pointing out these idiots, and if you're interested in baseball, or just funny articles targeting pompous windbags, you could do worse than waste a few minutes over there. In fact, you're probably doing yourself more harm just coming over here and reading this crap.

But anyway, today they pointed to an article by Andy Rooney of "60 Minutes" fame. Having read the article, I can safely say that Andy has gone off the reservation and is probably mere days away from being found on street corner wearing only a battered adult diaper and muttering incoherently about the good old days when there were two color fountains outside every two rest rooms. In other words, it'll be pretty much business as usual for old Andy.

But anyway, in the comments below that article, a fellow named Guapo posted the above box-score in response to another comment. In more detailed baseball terms than usual, (i.e. "Dude, I totally got to third base before I threw up on her roommate's cat"), Guapo ably restates a night some 16 years ago. I laughed out loud, which is sort of hard to explain at work, unless you're the weird guy with the office at the end of the long hall with the solid door, (guilty!), as it pretty much summed up innumerable nights from my own college career. And probably many of you too, so don't bother denying it.


Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

About a week ago, I made that site my home page so I wouldn't forget to read it. I used to check in once a week, but it's too much to read at that point.

Andy was a product of his age.

Reminds me of the time I woke up in the shower in the middle of the night at college totally dressed sitting on the floor with a beer in hand.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

ok so now instead of posting you're just stealing other people's posts??

7:19 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Rat, yeah, it's definitely better to read it daily. Re: your college experience, been there, done that.

LS, yeah pretty much. Plus the use of the box score just cracked me up. It was like having an announcer follow me around to college parties. Ahh, memories.

7:54 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

The only thing I have to add is, April 17 is my birthday. April 17, 1991 I had, just mered days before, survived a car accident which should have killed me. The car accident occured mere moments after I cheated on my byfriend with his best friend.


I call it karma.

I got the call. Took it the call and I haven't cheated on a boyfriend since.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

So, one could write an autobiography couched in baseball terms! Wonderful idea. Keep track with a box score—or, for college dudes, is that boxes scored? I may give it a try someday, but not at 2:45 a.m. in 85 degree heat sitting here naked with a cat clawing at my dangling balls.

BTW, I’ve been reading Andy Rooney since long before 60 minutes made him infamous; he strayed from the reservation a long, long, long time ago.

11:49 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, that is indeed karma. And do I detect a bit of drunk blogging? You're usually not one for typos.

Nick, there is such a thing as too much information. Besides, I'm not sure how that would fit into a box score.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Oh, I wish. No, it was very late night blogging. Don't believe the time that is posted, it was much later than that. least if my mind is correct.

crap, if that time is right, then I have no excuse. Crap.

Changing my story.

Yep, I was drunk.

10:29 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

They should SO take away your door...

5:37 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Of course I have. But I don't like to dwell on my days in the minors* (* leagues, not underagers). I'd rather wax poetic on that "cup of coffee" (a brief big league callup, for the baseball uneducated) with that cheerleader.

4:07 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I find the best way to deal with sports commentators is to simply drink through it.

I can't stand it when ESPN comes to town to broadcast our college football team! Not only are they annoying as hell but they don't like us and it's painfully obvious.

5:31 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

I think Madden is an irritating sports commentator.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Good thing you've got that door.... ;-)

6:58 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, well, as long as we're clear on that.

E, there was some talk of that for unrelated reasons, but I said I'd quit and the talk stopped.

Pug, geez, I'd settle for a cup of cocoa.

Tysgirl, at least they come to your town. I'm pretty sure ESPN isn't rolling to a UCONN football game any time soon. Which is good, because they really suck.

Pud, Madden has definitely lost his appeal for me as well.

BP, and I'm keepin' it.

8:12 AM  

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