Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Wait, That's Gay?

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho, (I da ho'? No, you da ho'!), held a press conference yesterday to announce, among other things, that he is not gay. Ordinarily, this isn't something one holds press conferences for. Unless, of course, you really are gay. I know this because I'm straight, and I figure the fact that I've never been caught, (note that "caught" is really important in that sentence), pan-handling for sex in airport men's rooms, or anywhere else, sort of eliminates nay need for me to get up on a podium and yell "Hey everydbody, look over here!! Straight, heterosexual man on woman lovin' guy over here!! Look at the breeder!! Whheeeeee!!"

Unlike Larry.

Because, see, Sen. Larry Craig (R)Idaho, (No, you da ho'!), recently got caught, presumably literally, with his pants around his ankles soliciting sex from an undercover cop in the stall next to him. And I can say that that's what he was doing because big gay Larry actually pled guilty to disorderly conduct, even if he's now trying to undo his guilty plea, which has about as much chance of happening as George Michael has of singing the national anthem at next year's State of the Union address.

Here's what Larry pled guilty to doing. Sgt. Dave Karsnia of the Minneapolis police had obvioulsy pissed off somebody, so he was running a plainclothes sting operation against homosexual conduct in airport restrooms. Question> If I got into a stall and threw my wife up against the wall and proceeded to disappoint her with 10-20 seconds of intercourse, would Sgt. Karsnia have to arrest me? her? both of us? Or does he have to wait for Larry to show up and offer to blow me?

So anyway, Sgt. Dave's job for the day consists of sitting on a toilet ina public restroom and waiting for gay men to come in and solict sex from him, a job which no doubt would lead some to question exactly why they went in to police wrok in the first place. "Yeah, Sarge, unh, we're taking you off the drug sting operation this week. Seems a homo or two got blown at the airport and we need you to go spend 8 hours in a stall and see if you can arrest anyone. And yes, in this case hemorrhoids would fall under worker's comp."

Sgt. Dave, however, is dedicated, or at least near enough to retirement to put up with this assignment. (I almost said "shitty" assignment, but couldn't take the pun) While sitting there, presumably having finished the crossword puzzle and the sports page, he observes Soon-to-be Ex-Sen. Larry "gazing" at him through the crack between the door and the frame of the stall. The story doesn't say if there were goo-goo eyes involved. Larry then enters the stall next to Sgt. Dave, (a name that, the more I type it, the more I think The Village People, and puts his bag against the front of the stall door. Dave says that, in his experience, this is used to conceal sexual conduct by blocking the view. Well, of course, no one would notice two people fucking in a stall if a carry-on bag was blocking the view. And how much expereince does Sgt. Dave have with concealing the view of sexual conduct in a stall anyway?

This is where things get good.

Larry sits down and "tapped his right foot several times", then touched Karsnia's foot with his own. Apparently this is a signal used by people to try to get it on in restrooms. Which means I need to stop tapping my feet while sitting in the john. I really hope that rustling the sports pages isn't also a way to ask for anal, otherwise things could get ugly. Then, Larry "passed his left hand under the stall divider...with his palm up" and moved it toward the front of the stall three times. Sgt. Dave took this to mean he was asking for sex. I take this to mean that Larry was not only close to falling on his face, (think about it. His right foot is already under the stall door, now he's reaching across his body and down and into the stall with his left hand, all while sitting on the throne. It's like the worst game of Twister ever!), but might be out of toilet paper and is using sign language to request help from the guy in the next stall.

Then Sgt. Dave arrested him and Larry pled guilty and paid a $500 fine. He says that he pled guilty to get things over with quickly because he didn't want his home town paper digging it up and embarrassin him even more, becuase apparentyl they're already investigating him for...

get ready for it...

here it comes...

engaging in restroom sexual enounters with other men. Who also are totally not gay and never have been. Just like Sen. Craig of Idaho. Who in my opinion is a big hypocrite, a huge liar and, of course, a flaming queer.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find my tap shoes. It's time to go to the men's room.


Blogger tysgirl said...

Does your performance level drop when you're standing up? Because I thought you were good for at least 7 minutes? Poor Mrs. Limpy.

Thankfully, your writing skills are better.....this was a great post! You definitely have a way with words!

I'd like my next lens to be this, please Canon EF 70-200mm f/2.8 L IS USM Lens.

11:28 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

It's the whole thrill of the outhouse sex. Gets me every time.

Folks, that camera lens goes for about $2,800. Anyone want to kick in?

12:31 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I just want to know who writes these handbooks that tell you what these signals (tap dancing, "Can you spare a square" hand searches, etc) are that let the patrons in the other stalls know what you want?!?! I mean what if I'm inadvertently giving off signals and I get arrested?!?! Because it apparently sounds *THAT* easy for your actions to be misconstrued.

Clearly Sen. Larry Craig is not gay and is just a victim of unfortunate coincidences and circumstances. CLEARLY!


1:05 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

Don't you sorta hope the policeman grabbed his wrist and pulled Sen Craig, face first, into the toilet paper dispenser thingy? That's just a funny image to me.

Oh, and not because he was soliciting sex, but because he's a politician.

1:18 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Syd, well, I didn't hope that before, but I do now.

Soozieq, yeah no kidding. Where the hell are these rules? I need to know before I get arrested the next time I ask the guy in the next stall over to pass the sports page.

1:23 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Clearly your shopping skills are just as bad as your vertical sex skills. Amazon sells it for $1700 with FREE shipping! What a bargain.

And dammit, I'm worth every Penny!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Over here in MOntana, we've decided to sue the state of Idaho for the wildfires. We figure that the LIGHTNING BOLT OF HYPOCRISY started all of the fires.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Of course Larry’s a hypocrite, not to mention an idiot if he thought that guilty plea would make the whole thing go away. I suppose at the time the plea was like Novocain for Larry, covering up his mortification. However, as all of us who’ve ever been administered Novocain in a dentist’s chair know, Novocain doesn’t stop pain, it only postpones it.

12:49 PM  
Blogger CP said...

"a name that, the more I type it, the more I think The Village People"



2:41 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I can't believe no one else has mentioned it but when you said, "Larry...puts his bag against the front of the stall door," I was wondering how in the world shoving your sack anywhere in a men's restroom besides back into your undies is supposed to not be gay. After the next sentence I realized my error but at the time...

1:17 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I'd heard a little about this, but I totally enjoyed reading all the gory details.

Thanks so much!!!!

8:23 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Being a representative of Idaho, maybe he felt it was his duty to share his "famous potatoes".

7:01 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Of course the really great thing is that he's a right wing "FAMILY VALUES" platform sort of guy. How does his wife take part in that press conference? Imagine what she had him sign over to her lawyer before she agreed to take part in the photo shoot fiasco.

I'm waiting for the gays to go crazy that there's nothing wrong with being gay.

1:23 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

It's illegal to tap your foot in a restroom?
It's illegal to touch someone's foot in a bathroom?
It's illegal to run your hand under the edge of the stall?

Why the hell did he plead guilty again?
What a gay idiot! LOL

On the total OTHER end of the spectrum.... why are we (as a culture) so hung up w/sex that every possible conceivable expression of it is somehow f'ing ILLEGAL? I don't get it. LOL

6:56 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

You know, I've been applying further thought to this story. And Lil Bit has an excellent point. Why should ANYONE assume he was doing ANYTHING illegal?

How do we know that aspiring mimes don't use public restroom stalls to practice their famous "trapped in a box" routine?

All of his gestures seem to fit. Did anyone even bother to ask if he was wearing the black beret, horizontally striped black and white pullover, and white face paint?

Geez. Next thing you know, we WILL be living in an Orwellian (and mime-free) society.

5:05 AM  
Blogger Dina Roberts said...

That's the best report on the story that I've read!

7:11 PM  
Blogger Dina Roberts said...

Also, everyone else's comments here are way funny. Good following you have, Limpy :)

as for rat in a cage's comment, I think the only thing his wife is pissed about is Larry was caught. I'm pretty sure Hillary thought the same thing when Bill was impeached...and also there's Saintly Nick's comment re novacaine. Denial is a lovely version of novacaine also.

Now I'll stop being serious and laugh at The Village People reference for the rest of the night.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Pud said... like that? "I'm not gay" crap.

Then why did he have to resign? FAG!

10:52 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

And Nixon was "[N]ot a crook" either. Why the hell would I care whether Craig, or anyone else for that matter, is gay?!

Whatever. People are wack.

4:02 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, well, if shipping is included, then it's a bargain!! Let me see if I can find $1,700 in these couch cushions...

Maqgie, you should write editorials. That was BRILLIANT!

Nick, but if you get Vicodin afterwards, it totally stops the pain. So Larry should be in rehab in about three months.

CP, et tu, CP?

Phollower, you're way to into metaphors my friend.

BP, hey, you're welcome.

Pug, I guess that's why Maine elects women to the Senate.

Rat, it's always the family values guys that get caught boning male prostitutes and doing crystal meth. I like to keep my perversity out in the open. I'M INTO CHICKS AND BEER, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!! I feel better already.

LB, I really hope foot tapping isn't illegal, or I'm like a 657th time felon. As for your other question, it's because most people are amazingly insecure and afraid of what they don't know. Like Pat O'Brien and Eskimos.

Pug, if it takes Orwell to elimnate mimes, I have some hard decisions ahead of me.

Dina, thanks, and to help you along "You can stay at the Y M C A!!!"

Pud, I'm sensing a lack of trust in your, (or at least Idaho's), elected leaders.

Eclectic, I care because it exposes him for the asshole hypocrite he is. Other than that I don't care what he does with his personal life. Although I wouldn't mind if he kept it out of the public restrooms. "Do you mind fellas!? I'm trying to take leak here!!"

7:10 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

No, no.... I know why we care that he SAYS he is or isn't... it's just that he doesn't seem to get that I really don't care whether ANYONE is or isn't, unless they're someone I'm having sex with. Then? It's relevant, but only to me, and them.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

LOL! You're afraid of eskimos? ;)

11:03 AM  
Blogger Whimsical Ranter said...

My hair stylist explained the reason he used his left hand was because his right hand was ah occupied.

He also confirmed it's actually not as awkward as it sounds. And he felt the senator had a lot of practice.

9:51 AM  

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