Wait, That's Gay?

Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho, (I da ho'? No, you da ho'!), held a press conference yesterday to announce, among other things, that he is not gay. Ordinarily, this isn't something one holds press conferences for. Unless, of course, you really are gay. I know this because I'm straight, and I figure the fact that I've never been caught, (note that "caught" is really important in that sentence), pan-handling for sex in airport men's rooms, or anywhere else, sort of eliminates nay need for me to get up on a podium and yell "Hey everydbody, look over here!! Straight, heterosexual man on woman lovin' guy over here!! Look at the breeder!! Whheeeeee!!"

Unlike Larry.

Because, see, Sen. Larry Craig (R)Idaho, (No, you da ho'!), recently got caught, presumably literally, with his pants around his ankles soliciting sex from an undercover cop in the stall next to him. And I can say that that's what he was doing because big gay Larry actually pled guilty to disorderly conduct, even if he's now trying to undo his guilty plea, which has about as much chance of happening as George Michael has of singing the national anthem at next year's State of the Union address.

Here's what Larry pled guilty to doing. Sgt. Dave Karsnia of the Minneapolis police had obvioulsy pissed off somebody, so he was running a plainclothes sting operation against homosexual conduct in airport restrooms. Question> If I got into a stall and threw my wife up against the wall and proceeded to disappoint her with 10-20 seconds of intercourse, would Sgt. Karsnia have to arrest me? her? both of us? Or does he have to wait for Larry to show up and offer to blow me?

So anyway, Sgt. Dave's job for the day consists of sitting on a toilet ina public restroom and waiting for gay men to come in and solict sex from him, a job which no doubt would lead some to question exactly why they went in to police wrok in the first place. "Yeah, Sarge, unh, we're taking you off the drug sting operation this week. Seems a homo or two got blown at the airport and we need you to go spend 8 hours in a stall and see if you can arrest anyone. And yes, in this case hemorrhoids would fall under worker's comp."

Sgt. Dave, however, is dedicated, or at least near enough to retirement to put up with this assignment. (I almost said "shitty" assignment, but couldn't take the pun) While sitting there, presumably having finished the crossword puzzle and the sports page, he observes Soon-to-be Ex-Sen. Larry "gazing" at him through the crack between the door and the frame of the stall. The story doesn't say if there were goo-goo eyes involved. Larry then enters the stall next to Sgt. Dave, (a name that, the more I type it, the more I think The Village People, and puts his bag against the front of the stall door. Dave says that, in his experience, this is used to conceal sexual conduct by blocking the view. Well, of course, no one would notice two people fucking in a stall if a carry-on bag was blocking the view. And how much expereince does Sgt. Dave have with concealing the view of sexual conduct in a stall anyway?

This is where things get good.

Larry sits down and "tapped his right foot several times", then touched Karsnia's foot with his own. Apparently this is a signal used by people to try to get it on in restrooms. Which means I need to stop tapping my feet while sitting in the john. I really hope that rustling the sports pages isn't also a way to ask for anal, otherwise things could get ugly. Then, Larry "passed his left hand under the stall divider...with his palm up" and moved it toward the front of the stall three times. Sgt. Dave took this to mean he was asking for sex. I take this to mean that Larry was not only close to falling on his face, (think about it. His right foot is already under the stall door, now he's reaching across his body and down and into the stall with his left hand, all while sitting on the throne. It's like the worst game of Twister ever!), but might be out of toilet paper and is using sign language to request help from the guy in the next stall.

Then Sgt. Dave arrested him and Larry pled guilty and paid a $500 fine. He says that he pled guilty to get things over with quickly because he didn't want his home town paper digging it up and embarrassin him even more, becuase apparentyl they're already investigating him for...

get ready for it...

here it comes...

engaging in restroom sexual enounters with other men. Who also are totally not gay and never have been. Just like Sen. Craig of Idaho. Who in my opinion is a big hypocrite, a huge liar and, of course, a flaming queer.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find my tap shoes. It's time to go to the men's room.