Monday, September 10, 2007

Random Is As Random Does

So I had a dream last night. Not that one I've had about the bar, although I'm pleased to announce I've been back there on a couple of nights since I wrote about it, and the place seems to have re-opened and is doing quite well. I still don't know the name of it though. On an unrelated note, I'll be trying to see one of my favorite bands, Dropkick Murphys, in Providence this weekend. But last night, out of nowhere, I had this dream where I was with a bunch of Scientologists and they were making a new kind of Rasien Bran. Tom Cruise was standing over a vat of water shoveling two huge scoops of raisens into the boxes. He said it was important that each box could really say that they had "two scoops" in them. So I shoved him nto the vat and said, "Now the boxes can say they have Tom Cruise in them too" He was pissed.

I have no idea what this means. Other than that I'm clearly nuts.

Our first game was this Saturday. Techincally we won 9-0, since the other team only had five players. But we sent them some of our kids and played anyway, at last until half the kids were close to heat stroke. I'm not sure what the deal is with the other town, but the five kids who did show up look like they moonlight in adult softball leagues. My son didn't get hit while batting, but he did take a ball to the ribs while stealing second. He's getting used to the whole "hit by balls" thing, so either he's back on track to play high level baseball or I've got the next Liberace on my hands.

One kid on our team threw, literally, a fit after getting called out on strikes. Threw the bat, threw his helmet, wailed in the dugout. His father's been helping us out and he's a good guy, so rather than beat his son, I walked over to him and told him we couldn't accept that behavior. So he got him calmed down. Next time up he strikes out again. Same performance. I'm coaching first. His father tells him to pick up the bat and he keeps walking. In a voice that would freeze blood, or at least stop everyone on the field from doing what they're doing I let the kid know in no uncertain terms to pick up the bat. My son, (who was playing for the other team, got three hits, made two great plays in the field, stole on of their uniform shirts and in general helped beat his teammates), told me later he thought the kid was dead. Not quite, but you can bet he picked up that fucking bat.

Afterwards I talked to the team about the game and what we'd done right, what we could work on. Then I told them, while not naming names, (even though it was obvious who I was talking about, because he was the only one crying and throwing stuff, including one kid who the other pitchers hit not once but twice), that anyone who acted that way in the future would not be playing the rest of the game. Then after the game the kids mother approaches me to get my email address because she wants to send me something. My wife sees this and asks whats going on. I say I guarantee that I'll be getting something about how the kid has emotional issues and needs additional leeway on behavior problems.

Wife: "And how will you answer that?" (She knows damn well what I'll say)

Me: "I don't give a shit if the kid's got leukemia. He acts like that he sits"

Now I don't want to sound insensitive, even though I am, (I just don't want to sound like it), but if there are 14 other kids on the team, one kid with some sort of emotional wire crossed can't be held to a different standard. Because then you've got 15 kids with attitudes, and not only that but 14 who resent the one getting special treatment.

Anyway, today I got the email. I was right. "Special needs" in the first two sentences. Pleasant surprise? You bet. Mom is backing us up, told her son that he can't act like that on the field, completely agrees with us about setting clear guidelines for behavior during games, and had a talk with him about sportsmanship. I'm thinking that this is probably because she's British. An American mom would have sued me. But good for her. It's nice to know we have at leats one parent that isn't going to whine about their precious having to act in a civilized fashion.

Now if she could just teach the kid how to catch...



Almost forgot, meet Bif Naked. I won one of her CDs on a college radio contest. I had no idea who she was, but I knew the answer to the trivia question so I called in. Got a CD missing the cover and marked at $4. It's called "I Bificus" Two decent songs and one absolutely kick-ass tune called "The Peacock" song. I plyed it about 19 times ina row this weekend. I googled Bif to see what the deal was. She's into punk rock, chicks, guys and tattoos. I like her already. She's also straight edge, (no drugs, no booze) and a vegan, so we can never be married. Bummer. But check her out.

18 Comments:

Blogger Brighton said...

What a surprise indeed- most parents use any "disability" as an excuse for the child to act like they deserve a starring role on Willy Wonka. I've seen that before, I call it "Hellen Keller Syndrome". I have a child with a disability- but she is disciplined just like the other kids, and you know what? people actually like to be around her : )

10:26 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Helen Keller could catch better than this kid. I'd coach your kid any day Trish.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I bet it is because she's British. Those Europeans know darn well that if the game isn't going the way you'd like it's up to the crowd to start a riot that kills 3 people and puts 27 more in the hospital. The players however should act much more professionally. I'm totally sitting in the stands for your son's next game. I'll bring my darts.

11:07 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Nah, if she were from here she wouldn't sue you ... she'd have her lawyer do it.

So, since your son kept his uniform shirt from the other team, now can he go play for them to get away from the mean coach on his own team that yells at the disabled kids? ;)

11:31 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

What was the trivia question?

12:07 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Phollower, great link. I've always admired the European sense of fair play. If you can't beat the other team, kill their fans.

Eclectic, not only does he have to play for a coach who yells at the disabled kids, ("Dammit Hawking!!! Get to that ball!!! That wheelchair's motorized!!"), but his coach made him give the shirt back. What a dick.

Tysgirl, it had something to do with The Clash. I forget the exact question but the answer was The Clash.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I'm very disturbed about your TC dream. Xenu WANTS you, I think.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

So what about Tom pisses you off, Limpy?

Now, if that kid’s mom just looked like Bif and shared all of your addictions…

4:55 PM  
Blogger Whimsical Ranter said...

Kudos to you! My son "A" is autistic, and last year I'm sorry but his teacher was too freaking nice to him. He needed VERY clear consequences for his actions, ie, you don't do your classwork you don't go to recess. Not someone to look at him and just say, "but he's so cute." Or to be afraid to upset him.

5:48 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Ok, I went and looked up your wet dream today. And until I got to the Peacock song I was thinking maybe you got into Mrs. Limpy's leftover meds.

Ms. Bif should not be singing Metallica though, that's for sure.

6:49 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

bif is totally wonderful and a way cool poet as well.

i'm surprised about the kid's parents, but hey, surprises are always a good thing, right?

7:40 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Syd, I sense a calling...

Nick, nothing, that's what made the dream so random. And the kids Mom looks nothing like Bif.

Whimsical, the way I look at it, if I wouldn't put up with something from my kids, I'm not tolerating it from someone else's.

Tysgirl, she's definitely hit or miss isn't she? There are some really awful songs on the disc I have. "Peacock" just rocks though.

DW, as parental reactions go, I couldn't have asked for a better one.

6:26 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Ummm, yeah. I was thinking you needed a bitch slap upside the head until I got to the Peacock song.

I posted a video on my blog today that made me think of you, and laugh- of course. All in good fun though!

12:33 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

How dare you hold those children to standards of behavior to which we do not hold professional athletes. You are severely retarding their futures as pro athletes.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

From the way some pro athletes act I don't think making the kids retarded is going to hurt their chances any.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Tom Cruise and RAISINS?!?!
bawahahaha!!! - I'm not sure WHAT that says... that scientologists have 2 scoops of raisins for brains? *shrugs*

The kids are STILL playin' softball? Damn, how long is their season? - I thought *mine* was too f'ing long, but that takes the cake (sans raisins, lol)
And no, no, no... NO damn special treatment for kids like that. When the hell did throwing temper tantrums become "special needs". Puh-leeeeze!

"Bif Naked"?? - Is that really her name? LOL!! - She looks like a bit of a scaled-down version of China, the wrestler. Know her? LMAO!
But, yeah... I like peacocks & edgy gals, so I'll check her out. Thx for the lead. =)

11:02 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, I love that video. "Get your head out of your ass...you suck"

Zoe, not really. We do supply them with HGH laced Gatorade.

Phollower, well said.

LB, she does look a little like China, just wihtout the megadoses of testosterone.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Just make sure that when the Dropkicks sing their Red Sucks song, you pelt them with bottles. Sure you'll take a beating, but do the Yankees proud!

I think the dream means you secretly want a pair of their holy underwear.

Kicking ass 9-0 - good job! Fuck that crybaby & while you're at it, copy Torre on your response so he can sit Cano every time he doesn't have the energy to leg out a single or field a play. Abreu, too.

Watch Full Metal Jacket & go all R. Lee Ermey on his ass, "What is your MAJOR MALFUNCTION?!?"

I'm looking up the peacock song now on Rhapsody & they have three CDs from her so if you need more of her, let me know. I like to fuck tattooed chicks so I like her already.

11:57 PM  

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