Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Things I Worry About

As a parent, husband, and just all-around pussy, I find myself worrying about many things. Which may be why I'm awake during the wee small hours of the am yet again. "But Limpy", you say, "you're 6'4" and 235 lb. of well-endowed porn star! What could you possibly be worried about?" To which I would reply that I worry about your eyesight, gullibility and/or ability to measure things, because I am none of these things.

Despite the nice things Tysgirl says about me.

No, I worry about whether we can really afford that house we're looking at. I worry about the job we're doing raising the kids. I worry about whether or not the steak I grilled two days after its expiration date should have been quite that shade of green. I worry that Lindsay Lohan may be wasting her talent in family-oriented films, when her real talent clearly lies in snuff films. And now, thanks to the History Channel show "Mega-Disasters", I worry that two neutron stars will collide relatively near Earth, resulting in a massive gamma burst and destroying all life as we know it. There will be no real warning of this, or ability to do anything about it, but apparently the burst will first blow off the atmosphere, exposing us to a) massive amounts of incredibly deadly UV radiation, but also b), a wicked cool sunset, so let's hope Tysgirl has her camera pointed in the right direction, because they're ain't gonna be no reshoot.

But you know what really worries me? What really keeps me up at night? Besides of course, my insatiable and incredibly sexy wife? (Ha!, gotcha again! Damn you're gullible.) What really keeps me up at night is that there is a judge somewhere in this country who found it to be a good idea to release OJ Simpson on bail. Because there's a guy who poses no threat to anyone and who should be released from prison prior to facing charges which could result in his going to jail for 30 years to life. Maybe I'm wrong. I mean, he seems a bit high strung, but he probably gets a bad rap. I'm sure the witnesses to the armed robbery have nothing to worry about.

Actually, come to think of it, for those poor bastards that gamma ray burst can't come soon enough.


Blogger Party Girl said...

Okay, I've been drinking, eating greasy pizza, and making fun of the 20-something college frat boys, so I apologize for the typos and what-nots....and really, who doesn't love a what-not? But tonight at the bar where I was doing all of the above mentioned, I said the exact same friggin thing about OJ when I read he was released. I mean seriously, Jesus Fuck, but that guy has problems. And jail is not the biggest of them.

How'd I do? Any typos? Damn I'm good. Now, back to the research and insomnia. I mean, beer.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Suzie said...

Dude, you were totally my fantasy in your initial description of yourself, why'd you have to go and blow it?!?

Give me a moment.


Ok, I'm back. Yah I totally don't get the whole OJ thing.

10:31 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Let me guess, you're actually only 6'2", right?

Boy you're good at this fooling people thing.

And Lindsay should DEFINITELY be doing something with her career that involves more nakedness. Preferably closer to my house as well.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I am with you 100% on this one.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Funny, I always imagined you looked like Tom Brady. Thanks for ruining that for me.

8:17 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I don't care what you say, you'll always be my favorite porn star baby.

Green steak? What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you not learn anything in that hole last friday?

8:30 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...


You know what worries me? What are your 6 billion lesbian fans and SoozieQ going to do to me when they see my name in this post twice. Are you trying to get me killed?

8:38 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, actually, OJ seems to have very few problems. The problem with him is all of the problems he creates for other people. Or their survivors anyway.

Suzie, (shh, it's all true, but don't tell anyone. This is just for you)

Phollower, 6'1", but who's counting? Oh right, all of us.

LK, together, then, we shall bring down OJ!! Ah, fuck it, let's watch TV.

Zoe, I sort of look like his older brother if that helps. And by that I mean we're both white.

Tysgirl, I knew I could count on you! And no, I'm not trying to get you killed. But when I think of the number of people who, at the coming of th Four Horsemen, will be outside yelling at them to line-up for a group shot and to quit screwing around, well, you're at the top of the list. Me, Soozie, the 6 million billion lesbians, (and given that line-up, probably Phollower, too), will be in a nearby bar cheering you on.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

6 million billion lesbians? I'll be there. Then again, I'm going to an Ani Difranco/ Melissa Ferrick concert this weekend so that should be pretty close.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Is this concert going to be like one of Dantes circles of hell for you?

9:18 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

The rage of OJ surfaces once again.

Unfortunately OJ can do no wrong in the eyes of most jurors.

Look for a plea bargain of home incarceration along with a lengthy probation.

This thing ain't going to no jury.

I want to hear more about these "offshore accounts" of his.

I love the way the Goldman's stay on top of this shit - I'd have probably given up a long time ago.

10:51 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Wait, I'm not SoozieQ, nor a lesbian, nor a photographer... so where do I go when the 4th Horseman arrives? WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?! (And no, I'm not going anywhere with OJ, and that's final.)

11:07 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Boy, you called that one all wrong. I would so pass up that photo op to have a drink or 8 with you. I may be a camera junkie but come on, I do have priorities!

Face it Eclectic, you're far too good to be hanging out with any of us!

11:23 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Phollower, my brother once memorably dismissed Ani DiFranco saying "Any chick with PMS and a history book could do that" I don't think he'll be at that show.

Zoe, he'll probably spend a lot of time volunteering to get drinks for everyone else. That'd be my strategy anyway.

Monk, name the last Jewish guy to win the Heisman. Answer = Ron Goldman. Who I sort of wish would just shut up and shoot OJ already. I'm pretty sure most juries would come back with a "not guilty and thank you ever so much" in about three minutes.

Eclectic, I actually have your family riding the Apocalypse out in a well-stocked, lead-lined cabin in the mountains, then emerging to restock humanity with a race of super-beings. But if you'd rather drink, then by all means, come on down!

Tysgirl, listen, you'll take your drink to go! Someone has to document this, and you have the best camera.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Phollower will probably want to stick by me, because if he's learned anything about going to concerts with me it's 1)if you are going to an outdoor venue with me, it will rain 2)indoors or outdoors there will always be two girls practically fucking either directly in front of me, behind me or beside me. ALWAYS. And they are always pretty hot girls too. And this goes for shows that would be predominantly hetero.

12:03 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I'm pouting.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

I agree-what the hell is he doing out?!
just slightly freaky

4:35 PM  

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