Why I Hate The Red Sox

First, a word about the origins of this post. A few days ago I was reading a very well-written blog by Yankee hater Chad Finn concerning his dislike of my beloved Bronx Bombers. Well, I couldn't let that go unanswered, and delivered a clever riposte of my own. OK, maybe five of my 26 responses were clever. Whatever. Chad responded by banning me from his web-site. What a dick, you think to yourselves.

But you would be wrong, because he was actually trying to ban some other Yankee fan who couldn't respond without some sort of "Jews are running the world from an outpost in Denver" hate screed that had nothing to do with anything. Seriously, you should have seen some of the crap that was up there. Made me ashamed for my fellow Yankee fans, and more than a little suspicious that the posts were actually from Boston fans pretending to be Yankees fans and making the rest of us look bad. At any rate, Chad actually came by here, apologized for the accidental banning, and I still comment over there.

And if you like Boston sports, you could do a lot worse than read his blog. Hell I read it and at best I'm ambivalent about any Boston team. Sort of like everyone in Boston feels about the Bruins I guess.

But I couldn't get the idea of responding out of my pin-shaped little head. Because over the last few years, I have developed an "intense dislike" of the Red Sox. And no, it didn't start in 2004. I can accept that the Yankees choked in the 2004 ALCS. I have moved beyond that. Because let's face it, I have no choice.

No I started to really dislike the Sox in about, oh, Day 2 of the 2005 season. And no it's pretty much a sociopathic hatred. How did this happen? I mean, my father and brother are huge Red Sox fans, and always have been. Some of my best friends, godparents to my children, are Red Sox fans. I've watched games at Fenway many times. So I thought about it, and came to some conclusions.

Curt Schilling. That fat, right-wing, born again hypocrite. Yes Curt, Jesus has so little to do with his time that he's willing to spend a good deal of it giving you the strength to strike people out. Although he must have been otherwise occupied on that last pitch you threw to Jeter. Either that or Jesus likes Jeter more than he does you, which is understandable. As for his hypocrisy, you can look at nearly every controversial stance Schilling has ever taken and watch him backtrack or turn out to be wrong. He backtracked on allegations he made about steroids and he might be the only person who's ever apologized for saying Barry Bonds cheats. He also, in 2006, said this would be his last year in the major leagues. Then at the begining of this year got pissy because Boston wouldn't give him an extension of his $13 million contract so he could pitch another year. Of course, he hit the wall last year and this year missed time with a bad shoulder, has an 8-8 record, and is nowehere near the pitcher he was two years ago. So if I were Boston I wouldn't sweat that "hometown discount" he's not going to give you. Egocentric prick. But what I loved most was this spring when Curt showed up at spring training having clearly spent most of the winter sitting on his increasingly ample ass. Numerous pictures appeared in papers showing his waist hanging over his pants. His response? "Yeah, you can do a lot with Photoshop" True, perhaps, but not as much as Curt can do with doughnuts.

Mike Timlin. I read an article about Mike in which he has a bumper sticker in his locker with a peace sign and on the sticker it says "symbol of the American chicken" Gee, Mike, I know you're over 40, but as a well-trained athlete, you're probably in pretty good physical shape, better than Schilling anyway. What say you put your money where your fat mouth is and volunteer for the army? No? Didn't think so.

David Ortiz. Dude, it was a strike. Sit down already. Also, for just general weirdness, Ortiz this year said something about how for all he knew he took illegal supplements because he lives in the Dominican Republic in the off-season, and you're never sure what you're taking in those supplements. OK. And I believe a professional athlete playing at the highest level of his chosen sport doesn't know what's in his supplements why? Hey, I know what I'm eating and I'm not exactly setting age-group records with my running. That struck me as more than a little odd. Something like Manny Ranirez would say, except I would believe him.

Manny Ramirez. Actually, I like Manny. A lot. Mostly becasue he plays the outfield with the blissful ignorance of a 9 year old, and over the last couple of years he's taken to disappearing entirely from the team during crucial parts of the season. Keep up the good work Manny!

Kevin Youkilis. A little known fact about Youkilis. Alone among major leaguers, he has never actually made an out. Every single time he's been called out, it is the direct result of a vast conspiracy to keep Kevin Youkilis down. Or at least, you would think that from his reaction. I swear he argues with umpires after swinging and missing strike three.

Fenway Park. Look, I majored in history. I appreciate a good landmark as much as the next person. The park is old, rundown and it's time to let go. If you sit out in right field you will sprain your neck watching a nine-inning game. I was there once for a 15 inning game, (Wade Boggs won it for the Yankees with a home-run that my numbnuts friend Tom had land in front of him and didn't think to grab it), and lost all feeling below my shoulders for three days. The wooden seats were designed for midgets back in 1910. They are not so much seats these days as they are interrogation chairs that wouldn't be used at Guantanamo. If the Yankees can build a new stadium, for God's sake the Red Sox can certainly do the same.

The fans. Specifically, the new ones. Like I said, I grew up with Red Sox fans. I used to find them cute. They reminded me of mushrooms. They spent a lot of time hiding in dark basements, keeping themselves well-irrigated with a never-ending flow of tears. And every now and again they'd see the sun, like in 1967, 1975, 1986 and they'd creep out, only to get kicked in the nuts and have to go back to the basement. I felt genuinely bad for them. So bad that in 2004 I rooted for them to win the World Series, (although in all honesty the fact that they were playing that douchebag LaRussa's team didn't hurt), and celebrated with friends and family when they did.

Then the fans changed. Not the old fans. All the new ones. The bandwagon fuckers. The ones who weren't there before 2004, and I know you bastards, because I've been going to Fenway for 25 years. The ones who gleefully chant "Yankees suck", because the Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000, or four years before they started watching baseball. The ones who now take over stadiums in Baltimore and Tampa, whereas five years ago they wouldn't have crossed the street to go to a game if you gave them tickets behind home plate. The ones who see me wearing a Yankees hat at Fenway and say "Yankees suck!", then turn away if I glance at them. Look pal, a real fan would already be rolling on the floor with me. Man up or go buy a pink hat.

That's pretty much it for now. Chad had a much better idea, listing one reason for every title the Yankees had won. 26 total. I only came up with 7 myself. What's that? The Red Sox haven't won 7 yet? In their entire history? Really? Wow.

That sucks.