Monday, September 24, 2007

Why I Hate The Red Sox

First, a word about the origins of this post. A few days ago I was reading a very well-written blog by Yankee hater Chad Finn concerning his dislike of my beloved Bronx Bombers. Well, I couldn't let that go unanswered, and delivered a clever riposte of my own. OK, maybe five of my 26 responses were clever. Whatever. Chad responded by banning me from his web-site. What a dick, you think to yourselves.

But you would be wrong, because he was actually trying to ban some other Yankee fan who couldn't respond without some sort of "Jews are running the world from an outpost in Denver" hate screed that had nothing to do with anything. Seriously, you should have seen some of the crap that was up there. Made me ashamed for my fellow Yankee fans, and more than a little suspicious that the posts were actually from Boston fans pretending to be Yankees fans and making the rest of us look bad. At any rate, Chad actually came by here, apologized for the accidental banning, and I still comment over there.

And if you like Boston sports, you could do a lot worse than read his blog. Hell I read it and at best I'm ambivalent about any Boston team. Sort of like everyone in Boston feels about the Bruins I guess.

But I couldn't get the idea of responding out of my pin-shaped little head. Because over the last few years, I have developed an "intense dislike" of the Red Sox. And no, it didn't start in 2004. I can accept that the Yankees choked in the 2004 ALCS. I have moved beyond that. Because let's face it, I have no choice.

No I started to really dislike the Sox in about, oh, Day 2 of the 2005 season. And no it's pretty much a sociopathic hatred. How did this happen? I mean, my father and brother are huge Red Sox fans, and always have been. Some of my best friends, godparents to my children, are Red Sox fans. I've watched games at Fenway many times. So I thought about it, and came to some conclusions.

Curt Schilling. That fat, right-wing, born again hypocrite. Yes Curt, Jesus has so little to do with his time that he's willing to spend a good deal of it giving you the strength to strike people out. Although he must have been otherwise occupied on that last pitch you threw to Jeter. Either that or Jesus likes Jeter more than he does you, which is understandable. As for his hypocrisy, you can look at nearly every controversial stance Schilling has ever taken and watch him backtrack or turn out to be wrong. He backtracked on allegations he made about steroids and he might be the only person who's ever apologized for saying Barry Bonds cheats. He also, in 2006, said this would be his last year in the major leagues. Then at the begining of this year got pissy because Boston wouldn't give him an extension of his $13 million contract so he could pitch another year. Of course, he hit the wall last year and this year missed time with a bad shoulder, has an 8-8 record, and is nowehere near the pitcher he was two years ago. So if I were Boston I wouldn't sweat that "hometown discount" he's not going to give you. Egocentric prick. But what I loved most was this spring when Curt showed up at spring training having clearly spent most of the winter sitting on his increasingly ample ass. Numerous pictures appeared in papers showing his waist hanging over his pants. His response? "Yeah, you can do a lot with Photoshop" True, perhaps, but not as much as Curt can do with doughnuts.

Mike Timlin. I read an article about Mike in which he has a bumper sticker in his locker with a peace sign and on the sticker it says "symbol of the American chicken" Gee, Mike, I know you're over 40, but as a well-trained athlete, you're probably in pretty good physical shape, better than Schilling anyway. What say you put your money where your fat mouth is and volunteer for the army? No? Didn't think so.

David Ortiz. Dude, it was a strike. Sit down already. Also, for just general weirdness, Ortiz this year said something about how for all he knew he took illegal supplements because he lives in the Dominican Republic in the off-season, and you're never sure what you're taking in those supplements. OK. And I believe a professional athlete playing at the highest level of his chosen sport doesn't know what's in his supplements why? Hey, I know what I'm eating and I'm not exactly setting age-group records with my running. That struck me as more than a little odd. Something like Manny Ranirez would say, except I would believe him.

Manny Ramirez. Actually, I like Manny. A lot. Mostly becasue he plays the outfield with the blissful ignorance of a 9 year old, and over the last couple of years he's taken to disappearing entirely from the team during crucial parts of the season. Keep up the good work Manny!

Kevin Youkilis. A little known fact about Youkilis. Alone among major leaguers, he has never actually made an out. Every single time he's been called out, it is the direct result of a vast conspiracy to keep Kevin Youkilis down. Or at least, you would think that from his reaction. I swear he argues with umpires after swinging and missing strike three.

Fenway Park. Look, I majored in history. I appreciate a good landmark as much as the next person. The park is old, rundown and it's time to let go. If you sit out in right field you will sprain your neck watching a nine-inning game. I was there once for a 15 inning game, (Wade Boggs won it for the Yankees with a home-run that my numbnuts friend Tom had land in front of him and didn't think to grab it), and lost all feeling below my shoulders for three days. The wooden seats were designed for midgets back in 1910. They are not so much seats these days as they are interrogation chairs that wouldn't be used at Guantanamo. If the Yankees can build a new stadium, for God's sake the Red Sox can certainly do the same.

The fans. Specifically, the new ones. Like I said, I grew up with Red Sox fans. I used to find them cute. They reminded me of mushrooms. They spent a lot of time hiding in dark basements, keeping themselves well-irrigated with a never-ending flow of tears. And every now and again they'd see the sun, like in 1967, 1975, 1986 and they'd creep out, only to get kicked in the nuts and have to go back to the basement. I felt genuinely bad for them. So bad that in 2004 I rooted for them to win the World Series, (although in all honesty the fact that they were playing that douchebag LaRussa's team didn't hurt), and celebrated with friends and family when they did.

Then the fans changed. Not the old fans. All the new ones. The bandwagon fuckers. The ones who weren't there before 2004, and I know you bastards, because I've been going to Fenway for 25 years. The ones who gleefully chant "Yankees suck", because the Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000, or four years before they started watching baseball. The ones who now take over stadiums in Baltimore and Tampa, whereas five years ago they wouldn't have crossed the street to go to a game if you gave them tickets behind home plate. The ones who see me wearing a Yankees hat at Fenway and say "Yankees suck!", then turn away if I glance at them. Look pal, a real fan would already be rolling on the floor with me. Man up or go buy a pink hat.

That's pretty much it for now. Chad had a much better idea, listing one reason for every title the Yankees had won. 26 total. I only came up with 7 myself. What's that? The Red Sox haven't won 7 yet? In their entire history? Really? Wow.

That sucks.


Blogger mrsnydes said...

i'm a lifetime red sox fan—since i was a kid, since the early 70's—but i have to admit that's some funny shit. except the part about schilling. because it's oh so true:

it's also pretty impressive that you tooled on the sox without mentioning drew or lugo:

also, i found your blog through chad's so it's nice he lifted the ban.

10:54 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Schilling is the only cock sucking Red Sox player I have ever truly hated. It doesn't even have anything to do with him spanking our ass while he was in Arizona.

It's for all the reasons you listed. I even owned a Yaz shirt back in the 70s. I didn't ever want them to win, but I always have respected their great players since I started watching in the mid 70s.

Curt is a fucking moron & leaves Francona all the time to clean up his messes like the pissy little baby he is.

I cannot believe we lost today.


I posted Yankee Stadium photos in case you were too lazy to scroll past the gratuitous breasts.

11:02 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Wow, Limpy! That’s about the longest post of yours that I’ve read! And, just look at the length of the comments! Is this indicative of what gets dudes motivated? Is this why there are so many sports bars? Why so much of my newspaper is dedicated to highly paid athletes? Now, for the first time in my 61 years, I think I understand why baseball is not only our national sport but our national pastime.

11:37 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I'm not a baseball fan, it ranks right up there with golf and tennis for me. But I was here and I did read the whole thing. Do I win a prize?

5:27 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

*with my beer and jager in hand, I hand you a beer and a shot of tequila, knocks the shot glass on the bar, throws it back*
and says, baseball is awesome.
God, but I do love going to a game.
Any baseball game.

Sad that it's dying out and the NFL is taking over. Very sad.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Next time tell us how you really feel.

By the way, thanks so much for the Bert & Ernie thing. I still can't stop laughing. They're gonna fire me one of these days thinking I'm insane. LOL

12:16 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

How the hell do ya ban somebody from your blog? -- is that a feature with blogger than I don't know about? lol

2:35 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Hey, btw... I finally checked out some of Bif Naked's stuff that you brought up a few days ago, and I couldn't find the peacock song to listen to, but I *did* find THIS video that I thought rocked.

Check it out. =)

2:45 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Without reading the post or comments, let me just answer the title by saying, "Because you're a pinko commie with a tiny pee-pee." Which is just another way of saying you like the scum-sucking yankees. But, y'know, I'll go back and read the post now, because I like you anyway and you make me laugh.

9:42 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I hate the Red Sox because they don't go with anything. So they need to stay in the closet, perhaps being brought out only at XMAS when tolerance is at its high point.

And what's with their "beloved" Fenway? First of all, it's name is way too similar to "Amway", which is nothing but an Avon wannabe.

Also, what's with its construction? The last thing I tried to make anything out of bricks, concrete and green painted plywood was a backyard grill. And - due to all of that damned combustible plywood - THAT project went down in flames.

And I won't even go into how nasty Fenway smells (much). Suffice to say, that I'd rather watch a game on an iPod in the back seat of a 40's vintage Checker Cab. on a hot day with the windows rolled up.

4:12 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

And you laugh at me for being such a Steelers fan.

10:23 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I know nothing about baseball.

I just wanted to say "hi". ;-)

5:30 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Making it interesting with 3 left.

10:42 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

MRS, actually, I'm still banned, but have acces to a second computer. Apparently a ban is permanent.

Rat, it's not so much the laziness that keeps me from scrolling past the breasts, as it is the erection.

Nick, that pretty much sums it up. You want comments, blog about sports.

Tysgirl, umm, no. But thanks for playing.

PG, next time you're on the east coast, we go to a ballgame. No arguments. Unless it's in the winter, in whcih case we'll drink and discuss baseball.

LK, that Bert & Ernie thing just never gets old.

LB, I don't know. Ask Chad. Apparently once it's done it can't be undone. I'll check out the video.

Eclectic, you live in the NW and are calling me a commie??? Pot, meet kettle; kettle, pot.

Pug, Fenway doesn't smell so bad when you compare it to the old Boston Garden. Holy Christ, I'm pretty sure folks just whizzed right there in the hallway.

Pud, no, I laugh at you for stalking Alan Faneca.

BP, and I know nothing about fashion, but I still say "hi" to you.

Rat,, and now just mailing it in.

8:35 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Although I didn't really need to know the stall reason, it cracked me up.

Mailed it in for sure. Just hoping we line up against the Tribe.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Consider it done.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Don't worry, I wasn't asking so I could ban YOU, but hell if it wouldn't come in handy for that fucker, FLANDERS. gaw

... and now my Spaz Attack on you is finished.
Was it good for you, too? LOL

10:36 AM  

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