Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Common Sense Rears Its Ugly Head

Although eligible for tens of millions of dollars in federal grants, (i.e. our money), programs that focus exclusively on abstinence have not been shown to have any effect on teen sexual behavior. This is according to a study released by the non-partisan , and oh-so-fun-lovingly-named National Campaign To Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. Programs that were more comprehensive in nature, (like telling kids its OK to tell your doctor "gimme the Pill, I'm gonna fuck"), do have a positive effect on reducing pregnancy.

OK, I don't really condone teenagers talking like that to their physicians, (or fucking for that matter, unless they're female, at least 18, really hot, and referring to me), but I always crakced up at that line from Stephen King's "It" and felt like ripping it off. But let's face it, abstinence only programs run contrary to human nature and will never be effective, so there's no point in spending more of my money on it. In fact, the only abstinence-only program I'm aware of that was even remotely succesful was the one waged against me by the girls in high school. That one was 100% effective. So I guess the moral of the story is that abstinence only programs are really effective when they involve male-populations made-up entirely of short guys with bad haircuts, little or no fashion sense, ("Velour? I'll take 2!!!"), and a facination with spending all their free time in basements playing Dungeons & Dragons. They're rock-solid then. Trust me.


Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

ya know, I have a teenager now, and I sooooo do not want to think about it but I know as sure as I'm sittin here that that kid will not hold out until amazes me that there are people who are out there who do, in fact, believe their kids will be 'perfect'.......
I try not to live with my head completely up my ass

11:34 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

My son's 9. I got a couple of years left. You, however, are screwed.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Hey! I play D&D and get laid.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...


I realize I've used this line before on here, but: You know what kept me from having sex?

You know what kept me from getting pregnant? Aside from being really, really terrified of getting pregant, was an open dialogue with my mother.
Having the freedom of communication to tell her I wanted on the pill and well, just being smart.
But aside from my own fear (and perhaps a healthy fear of my parent's and having to tell them they would be grandparents, or take me to the local clinic...) nothing will keep teens from having sex.
Not talking about sex will only lead to kids having sex and becoming parents and spreading STD's while they are fuckin' like monkeys.

....and off the soapbox.

Or condom box, whichever you prefer.

12:22 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Zoe, yeah, but you're not getting pregnant, so my theory still stands that playing D&D is virtually 100% guaranteed to keep you from getting knocked up as a teenager.

PG, I love it when you grrr. Now do it in Hungarian.

1:02 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Well said Party Girl! Most people have NO clue how important having an open dialog with their kid really is.

Limpy, you say you have a couple of years.....and that's probably true. But NOW is the time to start talking to him about it! That "open dialog" thing doesn't happen over night! You'd be doing yourself and your son a huge favor by starting now.

That will be $350 please. If I don't get a discount, neither do you buddy!

3:19 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...


Thanks, Tysgril.

Also, I was 9 when my mom had a very open and frank discussion with me about sex.

...I had NO idea what she was talking about.
However, I was also 9 when I "discovered" masturbation.
I just knew it felt really good. Beyond that, I had no idea what I was doing, why I was doing it, or why it felt good.

I now know better.

(and the world is a better place because of it.)

3:40 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

the research results are old news. the proponents of the abstinence only programs don't want to be confused with facts.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Even then, they don't require very much funding.

I just wish all the religious don't use contraception and don't get abortion people would raise their children to join in the religious fight against the jihad being waged on us. After all, if they get blown up, they go straight to St. Peter & then to everlasting paradise!

Sure, there's no 14 virgins, but who cares since abstinence rules!

7:36 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Yeah...I would feel better knowing my tax dollars were going to condoms and birth control pills rather than to some fool telling them to "not do the deed".

9:30 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, I figure I learned about sex from dirty magazines we found in the woods, he can do the same. Kids today need to show more initiative anyway.

PG, excellent Hungarian there. As far as I know.

DW, what are these "facts" of which you speak?

Rat, actually, since abstinence rules, one would think there would be a lot more than 14 virgins. The problem is, they'd all be determined to stay that way, and who needs that aggravation?

Pud, I would feel better knowing my tax dollars were going towards getting you out of Iraq, but in the interim, I guess I'll spend them on condoms.

9:00 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

"Get in there and get done what has to be done. The sooner the better."

Don't ya just hate being quoted by a pain in the ass redhead?

Be a man, talk to your kid!

10:14 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Limpy doesn't need to talk to HIS kid about sex... at least, not until the kid goes to college evidently. But maybe he should buy him some really good lotion.

1:14 PM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

Yah I was stunned to learn that a 9 year old boy that I know masturbates every morning. His parents told me (I'm sure he'd die if he knew that I knew this) and they "catch" him quite regularly. I'm not saying they fling the door open and say "AH-HA! Dirty little Monkey, knock it off!" or anything like that.

But I'm thinking they need to start talking to him NOW about it since he's already getting comfortable with how the plumbing works.

I'm so glad I don't have kids. I have yet to hear about an Aunt being designated to have that talk.

1:31 PM  
Blogger CP said...

I practiced abstinance. I practiced and practiced...and realized I was no good at it.


1:45 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, oh I'll talk to him, don't you worry about that. I figure right before that first middle school dance I'll sit him down and explain how everything works. Should put him off sex for about 7 years.

Eclectic, I'd call you nasty names, but it's not like you're lying.

Soozieq, c'mon, a 9 year old boy???? He's probably just making it stand up to it's full 2.5" just to see it. he's got me beat by a good inch.

CP, I'm terrible at it now, but I lettered in it in high school.

2:24 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Great, so the poor kid is doomed to a life of 7 minute long sexual encounters?

3:38 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

kids are gonna do it no matter what....they always have and they always will....

that's just the way it is.... LOL

6:09 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I'll also vouch for the D&D contraception theory. Weekly D&D sessions, no kids.

That's just too many of us for it to be coincidence. Although Elves have very few children because it's really hard for Elves to get pregnant so we D&D players have that going for us. Besides Elves being imaginary, I mean.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

Playing D&D is a fail safe against pregnancy? That's fabulous!
Does the government know?

9:08 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

The biggest problem I see with pushing abstinence is that every kid I know takes sentences that begin with the words "Do not" as a challenge and responds with the words "Try to stop me."

2:05 PM  
Blogger Frank said...

The relationship between pregnancy and D&D may be more complicated than you think. We had a kid, and suddenly the D&D stopped...

10:02 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I see work is still more important than entertaining us. Bastard.

Be safe traveling this week.

6:30 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, he's young, so I think he can go 8.

BP, well said.

Phollower, orcs, on the other hand, breed like rabbits.

Tai, probably. Most of them are geeks too.

Nick, pretty much it's a red flag to a bull to say "don't do that".

Frank, my God man! You've discovered the corollary!

1:02 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I'm all for preventing teens. I am jealous of your velour suits, though. Must be nice to be born into money, Richie Rich. I had to settle for the black demin leisure suit-style jacket with the white-contrast stitching.

4:39 PM  

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