Thursday, December 06, 2007

Listen Up Fuckers!!!

I've been running low on things to write about here, and I've been putting out what I consider to be half-assed entries just to sort of fill space and keep Tysgirl from slapping me, and not in a good way. Well, that's going to have to stop. So I'm starting what I hope to be a regular feature that should take up the next, uh, well, at least 47 entries.

It's called "Know Limpy's States" and will be based on all of the states in the country and my relationship to each one of them. Sound like a lame-ass idea? You bet it does, but I don't care. I can't think of anything else and someone we know just gave me a big glossy book about the states, and that gave me an idea and that means you're screwed.

Or you could just go read Soozie's blog, except she's quitting, so you're really kind of stuck. Plus I'll post nude pictures in some of 'em.

Anyway, to kick this feature off, we start with, well, whatever the hell one is first in this book, let's see here,

Connecticut? Really? Whay the hell would anyone start a book about the states with Connecticut? Oh well here we go.

CONNECTICUT

Chapter 1 of 46 in "Know Limpy's States"

Connecticut is the 5th state in the union, attaining statehood on January 9, 1788, a date now routinely ignored statewide. The capital is Hartford, a city widely known to be devoid of almost any nightlife that does not involve the active exchange of gun-fire. The current governor is M. Jodi Rell, who succeeded the former governor, John G. Rowland, after he got 9 months in the federal penitentiary for corruption. The largest city is Bridgeport, at just over 140,000, at least 127,568 of whom wish they lived anywhere but Bridgeport, a city in a state of almost constant "urban renewal", none of which, unfortunately, involves napalm. Bridegport's current mayor hasn't been sworn in yet, since he's being sued by the guy who lost the primary, said guy being in his 30's and living with his mother, the last mayor not running for re-election after, among other things, admitting to using cocaine while in office, (although if I were mayor of Bridgeport, I'd be mainlining heroin at the inaugeration), and that mayor having taken over from the previous mayor after he got 9 years in the slammer for corruption.

The state bird is the robin. As far as I know none of them have ever been arrested for corruption.

The state flower is the mountain laurel. Every year in June I hike up Bear Montain to try to catch the laurel at its peak, because it is a beautiful sight and because I am a huge homo. Most years I miss the peak. The one year I caught it made up for it.

There are just under 3.5 million people in Connecticut. Most spend their time complaining that there is nothing to do and how much cooler New York and Massachusetts are.

Connecticut is generally in the top two in the "richest state" category, depending on how well the mob is doing in New Jersey at any given moment. Most of that money is based in Fairfield County, and most of that money is in a town called Greenwich, which is mostly populated by incredibly rich assholes who declare a state of emergency whenever the Powerball lottery gets really big and the town has to deal with Negroes from nearby New York, (hey look, racist alliteration), who cross state lines and then stand in lines outside Greenwich stpres to try to buy lottery tickets so that they can someday live in town and bitch about people just like them. That actually happened a few years ago. Powerball went over $200 milion and New York didn't have it, so folks from NY came over the border in droves to buy tickets. Greenwich called out the cops to maintain order and actually asked the legislature for money based on a "state of emergency". I believe they actually got some.

The highest mountain in CT in Bear Mt., at something over 2,100 feet. But the highest point in CT is on Mt. Frissell, the peak of which is actually in Massachusetts. The state line is on the shoulder of the peak, so the highest point in CT isn't even a mountain top, but a spot on a hill "marked" by a rusty metal pole and from which there is no view. God we suck.

Connecticut is called both "The Constitution State" because it was once governed by something called "The Fundamental Orders, which later served as the model for the US Constitution, and "The Nutmeg State", because, well, no one really knows why, but it may have something to do with CT merchants being infamous for cheating in the nutmeg trade.

IF YOU'RE IN CONNECTICUT YOU SHOULD: Check your ticket to see what time your connecting flight leaves. If you're here, God help you, on purpose, you should check out:

Pepe's Pizza in New Haven. The white clam pizza is incredible, and I'm not just saying that because it sounds sort of obscene. New Haven is also home to Yale University and wandering around the downtown area is a lot of fun. Wandering around outside the downtown area is a really bad idea.

MISS CONNECTICUT LOOKS LIKE THIS:

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Huge. Couldn't be huger. Born and bred in CT. Educated in CT, mostly because all of the out of state schools rejected me, except two that wait-listed me and one that said I could go but then sent us a tuition bill that looked like a budget for a eastern european country. So I went to UCONN, which at the time was easier to get into than Britney Spears' pants after a narco-lollipop bender, and about as cheap. Now, thanks to the basketball teams winning about 8 national championships between them, UCONN is neither cheap nor easy to get into.

HAS LIMPY GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Yes.

That sums up Connecticut for now. Tune in next time when we discuss Limpy's connection to the alleged state of Delaware.

23 Comments:

Blogger Maggie said...

Be sure to include the number of strip joints you have visited in each state.

9:24 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I'm going to enjoy this series. Since Maggie already made the Strip Club suggestion, might I add that you include State Mottos?

Here's mine for CT:

1) We're mostly Kennedy-free!

2) Rhode Island is our bitch

3) Proud former home of the Whalers

4) Golfer's Paradise (except if your name is Martha)

5) New England Lite

5:02 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You do realize I'm still going to slap you, right? Just for fun.

"Plus I'll post nude pictures in some of 'em."

How many states have you posed nude in? What! You had to know someone was going to ask.

The Smoky Mountains are covered in Mountain Laurel. Because of the varying elevations (500-7000 feet), you can usually find it in bloom from late May through early July.

5:59 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Maggie, it's 10 in CT.

Pug, I hope you enjoy it. I ripped off the serial idea from you. And we're not all that Kennedy free. I once attended church next to none other than Ted Kennedy!

Tysgirl, if you're at 7,000 feet in Tennessee you're in a hot air balloon my dear. but well talk about that in Chapter 16 or so of this little opus. Also, I think I've posed nude in three states. At least once knowingly.

6:09 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Are you seriously going to nitpick my numbers? I was a whole 357 feet off. The highest point in Tennessee is 6643 feet at Clingmans Dome in Sevier County which is about 30 minutes from my house.

You should hike it and pose nude at the top just as an added visual for chapter 16. Watch out for ticks though- and redheads.

What book are you getting this shit from? The book whore in me needs to know.

6:22 AM  
Blogger LouLaughlin said...

Wow... who'd thunk I'd get educated while reading a blog by someone named limpy.

Actually I enjoyed the post, and look forward to a few more... as long as the nude pictures aren't of you.

So Ted actually goes to church huh? Who'd thunk that?

Later
Lou

8:17 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

I wouldn't mind if you just stuck to posting pictures of naked chicks. But, you know, I'm just pervy that way.

9:05 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Funny how Lou is amazed that Ted attends church, whereas I was only astounded that you did. Ted has to, being a catholic politician and all... but I expected better from you.

9:32 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

I'm not quitting, I'm moving...come on, don't kill me off just yet. I still have a shit-ton more stories about the Dog to bore everyone with.

There are a couple of our franchise stores in CT, so I've been there once (we drove over from NY as that's where the head quarters is located).

It was pretty (the scenery), but I don't remember much else about it. No I wasn't hung-over on Lemon Drops either...that was another work related trip to Las Vegas instead.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Crap, I used to live in NY but I never got laid in Connecticut. Crap. How old is your book that it has 46 states? I didn't know Tysgirl had an inner book whore so your new series is even extra enlightening.

9:50 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, yes, I am going to nitpick your numbers becuase that's what I do. Also I know there's nothing 7,000 feet tall east of the Rockies. I'm a stat geek like that. National Geographic put out the book. I'll publish the title in the next post. God knows I have little enough to say about Delaware.

Lou, Ted did indeed go to church. Even managed to button his shirt about halfway. He has an impressive amount of chest hair.

Zoe, I think I can accomodate that.

Eclectic, I was much younger and was spending a couple of weeks in the summer at my aunt and uncle's place. They were big on church. I considered it an hour away from the beach.

Soozieq, I once spent a great deal of money buying my date Lemon Drops at Toad's Place in New Haven. I can truthfully say it proved to be a worthwhile investment for me.

9:52 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Rat, missed you there while answering others. The book's new; I'm just being stupid. All 50 states will be counted. In a somewhat random order.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

Oh dear Lord, whatever will you say about Bama.......I may skip that post lol or not, I KNOW Mis'Sippy has got to be worse :-P

edumacate me, Limpy!!!

12:38 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Lovely post on such a lovely state.
But, I think you should have started at the beginning of the alphabet.
Alabama.
You skipped to the letter C and next D?
What's up with that?
How am I supposed to refer back to this brilliant post on Connecticut when it's not titled Connecticut?
This could be difficult when searcing the archives in 10 years.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I momentarily really felt excluded from your world of comment repsonses. I am all hoped up on this series now & need a new fix. When is state # 2 going to be published. I'm a state infor junkie now.

Just one fix!

8:40 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Limpy, if you can pull Delaware out of the shitter, you'll be my hero!

Thanks for nagging him Rat, takes some of the heat off of me!

11:27 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Honestly?

I think it would be more interesting if you told us tales of your sexual escapades in each state.

Just sayin'.... ;-)

1:59 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I once lived in Connecticut for a very short time.

During the winter.

It sucked.

7:13 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

One more thing.

What does that mean, "born and bred?"

7:14 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Little Sassy, the odds are good I may mention football when we get to 'Bama.

Rhonda, I'm going in the same order the states are listed in the book. It's their fault!

Rat, funny you should ask when the next state will be published...

Tysgirl, no, no, you're thinking of New Jersey.

BP, and a whole helluva a lot shorter!

RSG, your state just got named a disaster relief zone and you're cutting on CT? "Born and bred" means I was born here, grew up here, and stayed here.

8:31 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

And you bred there?

8:55 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I've done some breeding here; does that count?

9:26 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I like Connecticut: I got laid there, too.

8:08 PM  

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