Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Maine: You Can't Get There From Here

Chapter 3 in "Know Limpy's States"

Before we describe Maine in all of its inbred glory, I want to mention that this series is based, (very, very loosely), on the National Geographic book "Our 50 States", by Mark H. Brockenhauer and Stephen F. Cunha, both of whom are surely fine, upstanding men who would be horrified to learn of their connection to this project. Their connection to these posts is primarily the order in which the states appear; that's why Connecticut came first and why we're sort of hopping all over the place. They have no sense of order. Also I get a few facts from them, but mostly I just make shit up or substitute my own opinions as "facts". I hope that clears that up.

At any rate, you can in fact get to Maine from here, wherever here happens to be. The people in Maine like to say "Yuh cahn't get theyah from heyah" however because virtually without exception they despise people from out-of-state, and would like you to leave as soon as possible, but only after you first buy some over-priced lobster-themed tkotcke from them. And after all, if they tell you how to get where you want to go, like say, Vermont, the odds are you won't buy it from them. They may hate foreigners, (i.e., residents of Canada or any of the other 49 states), but those Maine Yankees are damn shrewed business people.

Maine got a late start on things, probably because no one thought to go up to that godforsaken wilderness and ask, and was the 23rd state admitted to the union, entering on March 15, 1820. Maine was actually admitted to the union as part of the infamous Missouri Compromise of 1820, (coincidentally), in which Missouri entered the union as a slave state but Maine was admitted as a free state to keep things in balance. The fact that people were actually living in Missouri, while Maine was principally populated by semi-literate fur trappers who were on their way to Quebec seems to have escaped Congressional notice, thereby inevitably leading to the Civil War battle-cry "Remember The Maine!"

Maine is known as "The Pine Tree" state, based on its primary source of income, the continual rape of virgin forests to make toilet paper. Lately, however, the paper companies have been selling "huge tracts of land", (ten points extra credit for getting that reference), to private owners, thereby increasing the chance the Maine will soon be known as "The Get-The-Fuck-Off-My-Property" state.

Maine's state bird is the chickadee, which is an even bigger pussy than the robin. Seriously, this is a state with loons, hawks, eagles and herons and they picked the chickadee???

The state flower is apparently a "white pine cone and tassel", which I think technically is actually a tree seed. But horticulture isn't my strong point. I'm not sure anything else grows in Maine anyway, besides potatoes, and those are technically tubers and not flowers.

The highest point in Maine is Mt. Katahdin, clocking it at an impressive 5,268 feet abvove sea level. It also rises out of a fairly low elevation, so you'll be climbing most of those feet. I have made this climb, taking the steepest trail up, The Cathedral, because my father thought "it would be more of a challenge". Dad clearly forgot to factor in that he was climbing with two idiots, as both my brother and I went off the trail and nearly plunged 2,000 feet to what is really a very attractive Chimney Pond. Mt. Katadhin is located in Baxter Park, which I highly recommend backpacking through.

There are 1,305,728 people living in Maine. 1,305,000 of them live along the coast. There's a lot of room in the middle, and as a result some people fuck trees.

IF YOU'RE IN MAINE YOU SHOULD: Try the lobster. It's usually fairly fresh. Just don't pull up any of the colored buoys in the water to look at them. This ain't the supermarket, it ain't "pick your own lobster", and you will get shot. And no Maine jury will convict the lobsterman. If you get lost and wind up way up the coast in a town called Machias, try the scallop stew at a restaurant called Helen's. Get a side order of onion rings, which are probably the best rings I've ever head, and fuck the diet and get the strawberry pie for dessert. Get the whole pie too, you pussy, you can bring the leftovers home. Then say good-bye to an artery or two, but it's so worth it.



LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Moderate-to-high. I've done a fair amount of hiking through The Pine Tree State, and I can attest that they do indeed have a lot of pine trees. My family also took a yearly vacation to Beals Island, which is way the hell up the coast and very closeto "can't get there from here" status. In college my favorite ex-girlfriend was from Maine. Very attarctive blonde who chewed tobacco and worked construction in the summer.

HAS LIMPY GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Surprisingly, no. Not even with a tree. I never did go to Maine with the girl, although I met her father once when he came to visit. He was roughly the size of your average black bear and could have pulled my arms off without breaking a sweat. For that matter, she probably could have as well. My brother did get a blow-job from a former "Miss Something or Other" during our last vacation up there, so I'm counting that as half credit.

Next up is Maryland and perhaps another boring story of how I lost my virginity.


Blogger LouLaughlin said...

Gee, when you are done, maybe you could publish your own book and make tons of money?


12:09 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Don't forget all the moose tchotchkes in addition to lobster ones. Maineiacs love them some moose stuff.

You failed to mention going to Algonquit and hiring half-a-day on the Ugly Anne for deep sea fishing. Also, prowling the tide pools. What the hell is this anyway, like... your personal travelogue?

12:56 PM  
Blogger Callie said...

Just wandered over from Lady's sight. One quick question - you've probably already answered it, but I'm to damned lazy to check the comments. If you're going to do all the states, how come you're only expecting 46 entries?

Just curious.

(can't wait to see what you say about California)

1:01 PM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

I'll be interested in what you have to say about Maryland. That's the state in which I grew up, dated my first boyfriends, etc.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

This is my favorite one so far - freaking funny. Good job.

2:42 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I'm with Rat, best one yet!

Where did yesterday's post and the one about CT go? You're not bitter about the whole darfts thing, are you?

I've been to Maine once, visited George and Barbara in Kennebunkport. By visit, I mean I stood on the road and stared at the compound until the secret service guys in boats decided I was done.

Maine was by far the most unfriendly place I've ever been. I didn't get laid there either.

5:13 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Nevermind, I just noticed CT was titled "Listen Up Fuckers".

5:16 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Lou, any money I made would undoubtedly be lost in the ensuing slander lawsuits.

Eclectic, true, but Vermont and New Hampshire will sell you all kinds of crap with moose on them, but not so much on the lobsters.

Callie, because I'm kinda stupid.

Alkelda, well, you're in luck, because Maryland is up next. In keeping with the whole randomness of this book.

Rat, I'm sure the scantily clad Jessica Biel didn't hurt any either.

Tysgirl, I deleted it. It came up in front of the one about Maine, and when it took me more than30 seconds to figure out what to I just said "fuck it" and deleted it.

8:12 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

So Maine ISN'T chock full of friendly Leo Buscaglia / Wayne Dyer-types who readily and eagerly embrace strangers? I am so disappointed. Sure, I'll still raid traps for fresh lobster; I just won't enjoy it as much.

Well at least I can assume the trees are open to my advances. I'm tired of waking up with my own wood, if you catch my drift(wood).

Okay, I have a different twist on the "Yuh cahn't get theyah from heyah" theme.


Driving through Maine, a tourist is forced at gunpoint by his wife to ask one of the locals for directions to a destination close by.

The old grizzled local provides the tourist with a series of meandering navigations, based on local landmarks: turn left at the old church, straight ahead past the red barn, and so on.

Finally, he is told, "make the last right turn after the old dog by the side of the road".

Curious and against his better judgment, the tourist inquires: "What if the old dog isn't there?"

"You still turn right".


5:51 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

How many stories, exactly, do you have about losing your virginity???

10:18 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Maine = lobster. Beyond that, I don't care.

7:45 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Pug, I've gotten directions from that guy. The weird part about it; the dog was there.

RSG, one, but I never shut up about it.

Nick, but how entertaining a post would that be?

8:55 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

Wow, nobody took you up on the 10 bonus points!
It's a shame that the King never did get a chance to have his 'son' marry the princess with the huge tracts of land.
But we could ... always...just....SING!

"NO! No singing while I'm around."
"But mother!"
"But Father!"

Frankly, I think that's worth at LEAST an extra 50. But what I really want to know is, what do I get to spend them on?

6:15 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Camelot, good swine country that.

8:07 PM  

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