Tuesday, January 15, 2008

New Hampshire: Don't Take It For Granite

Ha-Ha! "Don't take it for "granite"! Get it? The Granite State? Don't take it for granted? Oh fuck off, what do you know? Write your own completely inaccurate and probably libelous version of the 50 states.

Seriously, that's an awful pun. I should be horsewhipped. Preferabbly by that chick from the last post. But enough about my dark little world with all the puppets, let's get to it.

Chapter 6 in "Know Limpy's States"

New Hampshire was the 9th state admitted to the union, ratifying the Constitution on June 21, 1788. I believe, but am too lazy to go look it up, that it was New Hampshire's ratification that made the Constitution actually take effect for the entire country.

New Hampshire is nicknamed "The Granite State", because there's, like, a lot of rocks in the state, mostly granite formations, and besides, calling a state "That Sort of Triangle Shaped Thing Between Maine and Vermont" didn't get anybody all that excited. The state motto "Live Free or Die", is much more exciting, actually leading to a Supreme Court ruling about free speech when some guy decided he didn't like the implications on such a statement and snipped it off. The state fined him, he sued, and eventually the US Supreme Court said that the state couldn't make someone carry around a motto that they didn't believe in. This was markedly different than the finding of the New Hampshire Supreme Court, which at the time included a moose and a lynx, which was that the guy was a total pussy and should be exiled to a more effeminate state, like Vermont.

The devotion to freedon was well-represented in the Revolution when New Hampshire's most famous soldier, Col. John Stark, whipped the British at Bennington.

Bennington is in Vermont.

New Hampshire is ONE OF 7 stateS (fucking know it alls)without an income tax, and they're so hell-bent on keeping it that way that even suggesting the imposition of a tax is political death. Which sounds great until you think about moving there and investigate the school system, ("Wait, we have to supply a cord of wood to heat the schoolhouse? What the fuck?"), or try to drive around on what they call "roads." Here's a tip from someone who knows. When crusing around New Hampshire on anything other than a primary road, a) don't stop unless you want to star in "Deliverance 2: It's Better Up North", and b) if you see a road sign warning you about a frost heave, slow the hell down. These folks don't screw around. Holes and bumps that would close a CT road for six months are just a fact of life up in New Hampshire. If they're concerned enough to put a sign up you can bet your ass you can see magma in the frost heave so labeled.

New Hampshire also posts signs keeping track of the number of moose killed on its highways. They post this number, and update it, on roadside signs. This is not, I repeat NOT, a challenge.

Since there's no income tax, New Hampshire raises revenue in a number of other ways. Tolls on the decent road; (no, I didn't accidentally leave an "s" off road, weren't you paying attention earlier?); sales tax; what I'm told is an ass-raping property tax; and, best of all, selling fireworks to pretty much anyone and selling liquor dirt cheap in state run stores. I'll tell ya, nothing makes me feel safer than stopping by a state run liquor store, picking up a couple of bottles of good booze for a song, then watching a truck-driver load up the cab of his truck with 86 bottles of tequila and head south.

I usually give them a good head start.

New Hampshire's state bird is the purple finch. The state flower is the purple lilac. Given the fascination with purple, one might have expected New Hampshire to be the first state to legalize gay marriage.

The highest point in New Hampshire is Mt. Washington, towering 6,288 feet above sea level. It is the highest point in New England and indeed higher than anything else east of the Mississippi other than a couple of big hills down near Tysgirl. But Mt. Washington is a legitimate mountain and people die on it. Especially in winter. I've climbed it twice, and you can bet your ass it was warm and sunny both times.

In sort of a related note, one of New Hampshire's symbols was "The Old Man of the Mountain", a natural granite formation on Cannon Mtn that looked like a face in profile. It collapsed in a rockslide in 2003 and made the news all over the country. My father was working as an editor at the time, and a friend called him from another paper to tell him that he'd come up with a great headline but the powers that be wouldn't let him use it. The headline? "I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up"




There are 1,287,687 people in New Hampshire and every four years every single one of them stands a good chance of being fellated, (cunnilingused?), by politicians seeking their approval in the "first in the nation" primary. Because letting a state filled with tax-hating-white-people-who-lack-the-good-sense-to-live-somewhere- other-than-New-Hampshire set the tone for a Presidential election ensures good government.

IF YOU'RE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE YOU SHOULD: Look, I'll be honest, I go to New Hampshire for one reason only and that's to hike. So short of telling you some really cool places to hike, I haven't got the slightest fucking idea what to do in New Hampshire. On your way home, however, load up on cheap booze. It's a great state to live in if you like being outside.

MISS NEW HAMSHIRE LOOKS LIKE THIS:


LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: It's like my backyard. I'll run around in it all day, but then I leave to go eat somewhere else.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Surprisingly yes. My wife and I considered moving there and spent a night or two in motels while checking things out. Gotta do something to keep warm.

Next up: New Jersey, where dreams go to die.

19 Comments:

Blogger eclectic said...

Hate to burst your bubble, but Washington also has no state income tax. Yet, astonishingly, it resembles civilization in virtually every way. Well, except that I live here...

3:22 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You know that game we play, the one where I'm always right and you're always wrong? (don't make me bring up the hockey stick again)

Tennessee also has no state income tax.

3:43 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Years back, concerning the "Live Free or Die" plates, a comic remarked, "How would you like to be in prison cranking those babies out?".

6:44 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Alaska doesn't state income tax or sales tax. I don't know that because I'm geeky, I know that because my brother has live there for the last 13 years.

And I wouldn't mind being whipped by the girl from the last post either.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

I loved that headline. My hub has a t-shirt that is one of only a half dozen or so made in Laconia last year. Pic of that side of the mountain without the face with rubble at the bottom and the caption - "Old Man, needs head"
LOL
I must tell you I'm enjoying your trip around the country.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I don't know why I'm so surprised but Miss New Hampshire is really hot.

I believe I've got something made of granite now.

7:49 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Oh! Did you notice the subliminal message next to her? It says "dive in".

Don't mind if I do.

7:50 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic and Tysgirl, I hate to burst your bubbles, but I did say "I think" in that sentence. Sure, I could have done something called "research" and maybe gone to such extraordinary lengths like typing "states with no income tax" into Google and find that there are actually 7, (Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, Washington and Wyoming. Two others, New Hampshire and Tennessee, tax only dividend and interest income.), but that would require a minimum of effort and frankly, as I think I've proven over and over agin, that's just not going to happen.

I've got you hockey stick right here kiddo. No seriously, I have one.

Pug, the irony is just sickening. If you're in prison. If you're not, it's kinda funy.

Zoe, great minds think alike. And apparently dirty ones do too.

Babs, now that T-shirt would have made a great headline as well. No pun intended.

Phollower, I figured you'd appreciate Miss New Hampshire, since I finally figured out a way to get larger pictures of the competitors. I think they're from 2005, but who cares? Also, that sign actually says "no diving", but your interpretation is good too.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Shut up. Seriously? You'd don't think that means no muff diving too, do you? God I hope not. That would be a shame. 'Cause, as I mentioned, she's really hot.

8:16 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

We have no sales tax in Oregon, but that is really irrelevant to what you're discussing here.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

Miss NH is really good looking. In my next life, I want to look like her.

I just think it's funny that they keep track of the moose. I wonder if they put as much time into fixing the roads as they do keeping track of the moose, maybe they'd have more than one decent one. :-P

9:52 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

hushed whisper Uh-oh, TysGirl... we have made him do research. I hope he survives! /whisper

10:16 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

hushed whisper I'm pretty sure as long as we share the booze and the hot tub with him, he'll get over it. He's shallow like that. If not, he'll just beat us with his stick whisper

11:58 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

tysgirl: That's close, but I don't think he said stick.

7:36 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

phollower, doesn't much matter. Whatever he beats us with, it's not likely to last more than 7 minutes.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I spent many a months in New Hampshire as a wee lad. I have been to the top of Mount Washington a few times & we had the bumper sticker in the 70s "This car climbed Mount Washington" also. I have been to the Old Man on the Mountain. As a wee lad it was very disappointing after drving all the way there to find out there is, in fact, no actual old man on the mountain. total bummer. Lake Winnepesaukee rules!

12:22 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Phollower, it just says no diving. So muff diving, as far as I'm concerend, is stil a go. Miss New Hampshire may have other thoughts on the matter.

RSG, completely, but hey, thanks for sharing.

Callie, so far Miss New Hampshire is the runaway winner, but she does have the unfair advantage of having the biggest picture.

Eclectic, damn near killed me it did.

Tysgirl, one thing usually leads to another, if you know what I mean.

Phollower, no, I said "stick", cleverly using a metaphor. Your clue to quality, poorly researched literature.

Tysgirl, Hey, Sportscenter was coming on!

Rat, I have actually never been to Lake Winnipesaukee. And I want to dynamite the road up Mt. Washington. The railroad is cool though; you've got to be drunk to ride down that thing.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

So, tell me, sir, could these be true?

"Dumb New Hampshire Laws
# You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
# You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
# It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
# It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
# Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
# You may not run machinery on Sundays.
# On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up."

7:56 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Slacker.

just sayin'

9:38 AM  

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