Sunday, January 27, 2008

New Jersey: You Got A Fuckin' Problem With That?

Chapter 7 in "Know Limpy's States"

New Jersey was the third state to ratify the Constitution, doing so on December 18, 1778, and, somewhat regrettably for all the other states, remaining a member of the Union ever since. Couldn't even get rid of them during the Civil War.

New Jersey, for absolutely no legitimate reason, is nicknamed "The Garden State". It could be due to the abundance of farm production it enjoyed during the Colonial and Revolutionary eras, or it could be because any region full of that much shit must have enough fertilzer to grow a pretty damn good garden. They do remain a surprising fifth in the country in producing crops like blueberries, which should give anyone second thoughts about eating blueberries. I myself have never seen a garden in New Jersey, (although I've seen a tree grow in Brooklyn and it didn't seem like that big of a deal), but then, it is hard to see anything while driving as fast as possible while holding your breath and squinting your eyes to reduce the amount of toxic clouds entering your eyeballs.

New Jersey is famous for many things, chiefly as the home state of Tony Soprano, a man whose death or non-death caused a huge uproar, considering he was pretend. New Jersey is also famous for stealing all of New York's football teams. And for urban rioting in 1967. And for Thomas Edison, who invented many things at Menlo Park in New Jersey, including the light bulb and the phone. We all know the content of the first phone call "Mr. Watson, come here. I want to go to the South Shore"

Which is one of the more well-known aspects of New Jersey life; leaving the northern urban areas during the summer months to flock to the beaches. It's a migration so famous it's somewhat surprising that it was left to MTV, (or was it VH-1? Ah, who gives a shit?) to chronicle it a few years back, rather than the National Geographic Channel. Apparently every year 20-somethings flock to the shore, intent on enjoying life crammed into tiny cottages, drinking in smelly bars, and copulating with each other in public. It's a lot like watching the Canada geese migrate through the fields behind my house every spring and fall, except the geese are quieter and don't shit in public as much. Also, it's legal to shoot the geese if they get out of hand. Much to the chagrin of everyone else in New Jersey, it remains illegal to shoot 20-somethings on summer break from Newark.

Geographically, New Jersey is maybe most famous for the Pine Barrens, a 1.1 million acre national reserve in the south filled with forests, bogs, and swamps, and more ex-members of the mob than you can shake a stick at. The first dinosaur fossil was found near the Pine Barrens. Located near the town of Haddonfield, it was called a Hadrosaur. Nothing is certain, but scientists believe it may have killed itself upon realizing it was in New Jersey.

New Jersey's state bird is the American Gold Finch. Apparently it has a lovely call when it's not holding its breath.

The state flower is the violet. I got nothing on that. It's a violet. What am I gonna do with that?

The highest point in New Jersey is either High Point, located in the Kittatinny Mountains of Northwest Jersey, at a stunning 18,003 feet above sea lev...oh, wait, never mind. "at a mediocre 1,803" feet above sea level, OR, the highest point is right outside one of Bruce Springsteen's concerts whenever he's in town.

There are 8,638,396 people in New Jersey, making it the most populous state we've visited so far. In what is a rare compliment, New Jersey is a national leader in fighting against urban sprawl, reducing those godawful strip malls and saving farmland and forested areas. I'm a total tree hugger. I also hate Wal-Mart. Eat me. More states should be like New Jersy in this regard. And probably only in this regard.

IF YOU'RE IN NEW JERSEY YOU SHOULD: Hold your breath. Other than that, I really don't know. The only time I've spent in New Jersey that didn't involve driving hell-bent-for-leather to get somewhere else was a week in January some years back in a warehouse doing a document review. We sat in an unheated open area reading through thousands of pages of chemical company documents while, judging from the graffiti in the men's room, a race war was simmering among the regular workers. I can tell you that there was great Creole restaurant across the street from our hotel where I'd get loaded every night and try to forget where I was, but I don't know the name of it. So other than that, I don't know what to tell you.

MISS NEW JERSEY LOOKS LIKE THIS:

Just kidding, although you'd be hard-pressed to disprove that. She actually looks like this:


and sometimes, unfortunately, she gets her drunk on and looks like this:

Good for her I say.



LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO THE STATE: An aunt of mine used to live there. I've driven the length of the state a few times while heading to other destinations. I have nothing bad to say about their highway rest areas. That's about it.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.

Next up: New York, New York, a state so nice they named it twice. What do you mean that's for the city?

23 Comments:

Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Brilliant and accurate as usual.

You forgot to mention that Jon Bon Jovi is also from New Jersey, a mistaken oversight I am sure.

What is Miss New Jersey doing exactly??????

9:31 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Well, I can't say I left Bon Jovi out on purpose, but I probably would have if I remembered him. Not a huge fan.

I only skimmed the accompanying stories, but apparently Miss New Jersey aways back got drunk, took some risque photos in bars and got in trouble for it. Much ado about nothing from what I can see, but then, I'm at work and can't disable this stupid "moderate safe images" thing on Google.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

She ain't got nothing on Miss New Hampshire. Although she does appear to be a much bigger slut so she's got that going for her. Which is nice.

11:31 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

You know what they say, if you can't blind them with your beauty, blow them.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

I like her better in the drunk photo. That really says more about me though, doesn't it?

11:47 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Yep. But what it says is all good.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

They photos look really tame. They are nothing like the pics of Miss Nevada (Katie Rees) which were all over the internet a while back. She was the one with her boobs and ass out in clubs, "posing" sexual acts with her friends. If you haven't seen them, they are here. I love how all of these women say "the pictures were meant to be private." Yes, I am sure. That's why you chose to take them in the middle of bars.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

Something smells weird. I think it was that last picture.

4:43 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Fucker, I did a double take on the 18,003 ft. and was set to give you hell for the typo. Ya got me again!

5:01 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Wow. OLD Jersey must REALLY suck!

These just get better and better. I don't actually have to leave the house anymore to go on vacation! And after all, wasn't that your true motive for this series?

The only thing I have to add is how Washington crossed the Delaware and got the jump on the Hessians in Trenton, as NO ONE expected anyone to sneak INTO New Jersey.

Oh, and here's a disturbing thought: what if the only future fossils from this era turn out to be all of those ex-mobsters?

5:22 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

it's a good thing you haven't had sex in new jersey. i mean, if you have to hold your breath *and* have sex...well, let's just say that it wouldn't be good for maintaining any kind of activity of the head (either or them)

6:13 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Ok, Dykewife makes a valid point. Can you hold your breath for a whole 7 minutes? If not, I see no reason to ever return to NJ!

6:21 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

yeah I do...

Waiting impatiently for Wisconsin.
:)

8:15 PM  
Blogger CEDARFLAME said...

I was born and raised in New Jersey. You got a problem with that?

10:52 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

Here's what I think about when I think of New Jersey:

Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

Gracie Hart: Because "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" wouldn't fit on a license plate?

That would definately lend to your not breathing theory . . .

11:42 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

I only drive thru Jersey as fast as I can to get to New York.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

What's a little crotch between a few million internet users, I mean, really.

1:49 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Sylvia, well, thank you so much for ruining Nevada! That's all I had to go on, besides legalized prostitution...never mind.

Tai, she categorically denies that, but if it hypothetically did happen, it was the booze.

Tysgirl, don't make it that easy.

Pug, of course, after winning at Trenton, the troops retreated back to their preferred starvation at Valley Forge in Pennsylvania, so it's not like they stayed in New Jersey longer than necessary.

DW, there's a new state motto "New Jersey: If You're Into Autoasphyxiation, We're Into You"

Tysgirl, nope, my best is like 57 seconds. I'd never make it on Fear Factor.

Rhonda, you have a long wait ahead of you, judging from the table of contents. I will, in all likelihood, mention the Packers.

Cedarflame, nope. Nor do I have a problem with your subsequent move across an entire continent to get out of NJ.

Callie, well said Gracie.

Pud, you and everyone else.

PG, "little"????? There are yogic masters that couldn't hold that pose. Is it wrong that I want to date her?

9:07 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

No, as long as you admit that it's just for her "yoga" poses.

10:22 AM  
Blogger CP said...

Whitney Houston is a jersey girl too!!!


And New Jersey is New York's bitch.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Paul Robeson, the great Renaissance man of the 20th century, came from New Jersey. So did Frank Sinatra (though I'm not a fan, so I'm not writing that in NJ's defense). The gardens in Princeton are quite lovely, too. Yes, there are indeed gardens! When I visit NJ now, it feels a bit closed and stifling, but when I was growing up, I loved NJ because two out of three sets of grandparents lived there and I got to visit them. When I moved to NY, of course I was oh-much-too-cool for NJ, but when I was little, it was lovely to me. Hard to believe!

11:05 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Hell Bent For Leather!!! Love the Priest reverence!

7:31 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Part of my ex-wife’s family lived in Patterson, NJ. I’m not saying they were a real prototype for the Sopranos, but they are Italian.

When we returned from almost three years of my being stationed in Germany, we spent a few days at Fort Dix.

One evening a chauffer-driven big back car arrived at the motel where my wife, out almost one-year-old son and I were staying. It carried my wife’s cousin, who was part of the family business. He came into out room, looked at our son, hugged my wife, shook my hand, reached into his suit pocket and handed my wife an envelope with the words “The family welcomes you home.” Then he left. The envelope contained 10 $100 bills.

5:57 AM  

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