Sunday, February 24, 2008

Hi Muffy, It's Tad. Listen, Have Jeeves Pull The Car Around, We're Going To Rhode Island!

Chapter 10, (holy shit we're 20% done!) in "Know Limpy's States"

Rhode Island is the 13th state, the last of the original colonies to join the Union, ratifying the Constitution on May 29, 1790. The book says that Rhode Island waited so long becuase they steered an independent course in outside affairs, which must be code for "was populated largely by a bunch of unbearably self-important pricks". But then they realized that if they joined the union they could make tons of money selling lumber to the West Indies. rum to Africa, and slaves to the other states. The book glosses over that little passage in history, and the enormous role Newport played in it, in two lines. Giddy up.

Rhode Island also had other concerns revolving around religious freedom. After all, the first white settlements were under Roger Williams, who left Massachusetts to escape religious oprresion from the Puritans, who had left England seeking freedom from religious oppresion from the Anglicans, who started their religion to get out from under the yoke of Catholic oppression, which started when 12 Jews let the business opportunity of all history slip through their fingers. Anybody else think I should write a history of religion?

-crickets-

Also, Rhode Island had concerns about representation in the future government, and their leaders were adamant that some way of representation be devised other than on population. So the Senate was created, giving us an opportunity to see today's senators start investigations into whether or not the Patriots cheated by taping other teams football practices. You know, because there's nothing else important to deal with. Dicks.

Rhode Island's concerns may have been justified as they were then, and are now, the smallest US state, (in size, although as we all know, it's not the size of the state but the motion of the ocean state), and in fact is often mistaken for a suburb of Boston. Which the northern part of the state might as well be anyway.

Rhode Island is known as the "Ocean State" possibly because a large part of the ocean goes right up the middle of it. This creates a body of water called Narragansett Bay, which in turn gave a name, and possibly is the water source for, one of the foulest beers ever created, Narragansett Ale. Seriously, salt water would improve that crap. Also, no point in Rhodae Island is more than half an hour from the ocean. Not that a similar situation is considered a benefit to the good people, and frequently the "former good people", of the low-lying country of Bangladesh.

The state bird is the Rhode Island Red. A chicken. Seriously.

The state flower is the violet, which they stole from New Jersey. Which might give one occasion to worry that New Jersey would whack Rhode Island for stealing their flower, except that Rhode Island has a rich history of putting criminals in power, like Vincent "Buddy" Cianci,
who was mayor of the capital, (Providence), then was forced to resign for doing things like hitting a guy in the head with an ashtray and a fireplace log, then got re-elected, then went to jail for more mundane corruption charges. So I think Rhode Island can keep the violet for now.

The highest point in Rhode Island is Jerimoth Hill, at a whopping 812 feet above sea level. You could get higher than that with skunk weed.

There are 1,076,164 people in Rhode Island. The majority of them are named Tad or Muffy or something that rhymes with Tad or Muffy. They enjoy a good game of tennis, a nice afternoon on the sailboat, and a pleasant evening of cocktails and bitching about how you just can't get good help anymore.

IF YOU'RE IN RHODE ISLAND YOU SHOULD: Not drink anything made by the Narragansett brewery. You should, however, go to a beach. They have some kick ass beaches there. If you feel like being gouged, take a ferry out to Block Island, enjoy the views, the good seafood, the copious amount of available alochol, (and the twenty-something au pairs who are all over the place), and the thirrl of paying about twice what everything is worth. Or you could go to Newport and take a tour of the mansions there, to get an idea of what it might be like to be the kind of person who doesn't care at all what something costs. Providence is also a pretty hopping little town, and a good place to see a band play, or, for the more sophisticated of my readers, (hey, there's probably a lurker or two around), you can go see Providence's "Waterfire" exhibit, where they have a lot of arty things to do and they set a river on fire on purpose.
As opposed to Cleveland, where that sort of thing just kind of happens.

MISS RHODE ISLAND LOOKS LIKE THIS:
Is it just me, or is that blank stare really creepy?



LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO THE STATE: I like Rhode Island a lot. We usually go to Block Island once a year with some friends who have a boat. That way we can bring a lot of our own beer and food, (and beer), and avoid having to take a second mortgage out for the trip. Rhode Island's ocean beaches blow anything else in New England away, including the Cape. Providence is a lot of fun, and still fairly unknown.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Yes. The Westin Hotel in Providence has a fond place in my memory. Assuming it's still open. Might have been the Omni. Look, I just remember the room OK?

Up next it's Vermont, home of maple syrup, hippies, and hippies covered in maple syrup.

15 Comments:

Blogger eclectic said...

We fly into TF Green when we go to see my MIL in Worcester. It's hella cheaper than flying to Worcester, and way faster than Logan. That is the only connection I have to Rho'DYE-lin. I think I'm glad about that.

You're just full of good info here today, Limpy. What, not enough alcohol this weekend?!

11:12 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

When I think of Rhode Island, I think of the new Showtime series "Brotherhood", and the Irish Mob. Nice to see I wasn't that far off in my opinion of the state.

I think you should write a history of religion. Cuz, you know, there's just not enough humor in religion.

12:56 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Were there mirrors on the ceiling and a quarter slot on the headboard?

4:25 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Reminds me of some of my ancestors who tried to sell slaves to Africa, rum to the Quakers, and morning wood to the Amazons.

It is premature to let loose with some maple syrup onto Miss Rhode Island? I don't know if I can hold it until the Vermont post. She looks sorta like Katie Couric if Katie didn't look so much like herself. Plus Miss R.H. is probably smarter.

Oh, and I want you to know that I'm SO into this series, that I have a black & white placemat of the United States to play along at home. Every state that Limpy has been laid in, gets colored red. The others are blue. Then at the end of the series, I pretend this is how things go in November.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Why visit somewhere you have to bring your own beer?

5:44 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

That chick was the best they could do for Miss Rhode Island?!?!?

So...safe to assume Rhode Island isn't known for attractive women.

6:54 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Miss Rhode Island looks like she may have been dropped on her head when she was younger.

Hippies covered in maple syrup? I'll have to try that one, I'll need to find a hippy which shouldn't be too hard here in Oregon.

9:16 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, actually, no, not much alcohol this weekend. I drank enough on Thursday to try to get over losing a huge, (for me anyway), amount at poker when my four of a kind got stuffed up my ass by a straight flush. If you don't play poker you won't know what I'm talking about; just know that I'm perfectly justified to be griping about it a week later.

Callie, I disagree. I find Scientology, for instance, endlessly hilarious.

Tysgirl, nope, it was a classy joint we were at a wedding for. I was actually hauled off the dance floor and dragged up to the room in the middle of the reception. It was awful.

Pug, actually, I'm a blue state kind of voter. I'm not sure how this will turn out. Since we're out of the northeast thee majority of the rest of the states are going to be a "no", but putting some, ugh, thought into this, I think I do have some "yes"'s coming up in states with major electoral votes. This could be a nail-biter.

LK, because there isn't a beach in my backyard.

BP, there are many attarctive women in RI, it's just that many of them are visting from out-of-state.

RSG, I would imagine you'll have a tougher time find maple-syrup. And yes, Miss RI does look a little damaged.

9:44 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

are you saying mirrors on the ceiling are trashy?

11:27 AM  
Blogger Sugar Smacks said...

-crickets-

That's funny!

4:43 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I'm going to see if I can incorporate the maple syrup with the Lindsy Lohan pictures in some way. Hopefully I'll come up with a better idea than pouring it on my laptop screen. But since it's me and I'm way too lazy (and cheap) to print the pictures out on some nice, glossy photo paper I'll probably just wrap the computer in saran wrap and hope for the best.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Johnny Rat's Horny Alter Ego said...

I SO think you need to write the Book on Religion!

That blank stare is seriously "I will kill you if you ever look at another chick" scary!

The 'ol swinging chandaleir room!

6:18 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Who looks like a retard now? Me. Relax, reading about Tad didn't get me horny. Just a technical difficulty in posting. That psycho chick had me all discombobulated.

6:19 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, believe me, in some of the motels I've used they'd have been an improvement.

Sugar smacks, chirp, chirp

Phollower, I apologize to Sylvia in advance for the mess all over the keyboard.

Rat, that gaze of hers will do that.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I once spent a week in Rhode Island one afternoon.

8:20 AM  

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