Saturday, February 02, 2008

New York: New Jersey Is Our Bitch

Chapter 8 in "Know Limpy's States"

With a title shamelessly swiped from CP.

New York was the 11th state to join the union, ratifying the Constitution on July 26, 1788. Everyone was very excited, since New York was already nearly the most populous state, (and after 1790 would be and would remain so until the Mexicans found that hole in the fence near California), had most of the money, and most importantly, now there was finally somewhere to stuff all those goddamn Irish who were making noise about crossing the ocean in rickety little boats. Five Points here we come!! Within 50 years Limpy's forebears slipped through a restraining order at Ellis Island and the rest is pretty much history!

New York is nicknamed, by New Yorkers, "The Empire State", because New Yorkers think that the world revolves around them and that the rest of us are pretty much just far-flung little outposts of their vast empire. This would piss everyone else off but good if it wasn't for the distinct possibility that those smug little bastards are right. Because New York pretty much is the capital of the world. Name something, anything, from fashion to sports to money to food to whatever you can think of and New York's probably got more of it per square foot than anywhere else you can think of. More Jews than Israel, more Puerto Ricans than Puerto Rico and more Haitians than the bottom of the Florida Straits.

God that was awful.

The bottom line is that the world tends to revolve around New York. Sure there are other cute little burgs like London, Tokyo, Paris, Nairobi, (well, maybe not so much Nairobi), but you'll notice that when people from those towns want to make it big they come to New York. Unless they're some dumbass named Matsuzaka.

Of course, all of this is relevant only to New York City, and there's a lot more to New York than NYC. It's just that no one gives a shit about any of it. Seriously, if the rest of New York just disappeared one day, few people would notice and less would care. But since I try to give inaccurate if not completyely made-up information about the entire state, here goes...

Omnia Gallia est patria,....

Oh, sorry, that was me channeling my third year high school Latin class. I was told it would be useful. It's been 18 years, that's the first time I've written something in Latin. And it's probably wrong. It's from Caesar's writings about invading Gaul and whupping up on the barbarians, (who 400 years later kicked the shit out of the Romans), and starts out by saying, in Latin, "All Gaul is divided into three parts", no doubt news to the Gallic tribes, who were much more into subdivisions than they apparently let on to Caesar. Similarly, New York is divided into three areas, and like Caesar and his ilk 2,000+ years ago, most people from New York City would be as happy to see someone from Rochester heading towards their apartment as the Romans were when the Visigoths showed up in 426 looking to borrow a cup of sugar.

Most people call anything north of the metro NYC area "Upstate" This includes the state capital of Albany, major cities like Rochester, Syracuse and Buffalo, (Go Sabres!), and of course, Utica, home of Genessee Cream Ale. There's a lot of farms and two state parks, one of which, Adirondack State Park, is E-friggin'-normous, taking up a big chunk of the middle of the state, and another, the Catskills, which some people, (OK me), refer to as "The Hebrew Himalayas"

Trips to upstate New York can be fun and exciting, with lots of scenery, fresh air, the Baseball Hall of Fame, setting fire to Lake Erie, and driving in an incessant straight line across I-90 until one starts praying for death to arrive, if only to relieve the tedium.

The other section of New York state is, of course, Long Island. I've always been told, "if you can't say anything good about something, say nothing"

The best part about New York, of course, is the New York Yankees.
26 time World Series Champions. Most other sports teams win four championships and than start talking about winning a fifth championship as "win one for the thumb." The Yankees have one for their thumb, the fingers and thumb on the other hand, all their toes on both feet, their cocks and all the fingers on one of your hands, (assuming your not some six-fingered circus freak Mets fan), and don't you forget it motherfucker!

New York's state bird is the Eastern Bluebird. I would hazard a guess that you'd need to go upstate to see one. The only birds in New York City are pigeons, and those things will stab other birds and take their wallets as soon as look at them.

New York's state flower is the rose, because seriously, what else were those pretentious fucks going to choose? A carnation? I think not.

The highest point in New York is Mt. Marcy, nestled in Adirondack State Park, surrounded by slack-jawed yokels, (and those are the hikers), and topping off at 5,344 feet above sea level. I've never climbed it, as some fellow hikers I trust have told me its overcrowded, seriously eroded, and generally not really worth the effort. It's probably paved with gold and has gorgeous strippers lining the trails and those fuckers are just keeping it to themselves.

There are 19,190,115 people in New York, 8,084,316 of whom live in New York City. The New York metropolitan area itself includes over 21 million people, which is more people than the entire state, and includes chunks of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and for some reason, a small area of Wyoming but no one knows why.

FUN TRUE STORY ABOUT A NEW YORKER: A buddy of mine and I are in a gas station in Manchester, CT, 2-3 hours from New York. A sterotypical New York guido pulls up in his Trans Am and asks if we can tell him where the airport is. We say there's no airport nearby. He gets all flustered and says his buddy told him he had to pick him up at the Manchester airport and he's been on the road for two hours and "what the fuck yo?" So I look at his license plate and see it says New York and then I take in his accent, leather jacket and T-shirt, and the girl with the huge hair in the passenger seat and I say, "You're from Brooklyn aren't you" He says "Yeah" and I say "You think you're in Manchester New Hampshire don't you?" He says "Yeah" And then we tell him he's a good 3 hours from where he's supposed to be and give him directions to Manchester, NH. Going to show that people from NYC have no clue about the outside world and, if released into it, will wander around lost and gasping for air until someone takes their hand, gives them a gentle shove in the right direction, and reminds them to breathe in and out.

IF YOU'RE IN NEW YORK YOU SHOULD: Just head for the City. Go to Broadway. Get drunk at Hogs and Heifers. See the Bronx Zoo. See the Yankees. Don't see the Mets. Cheer for the Rangers and boo the Knicks. Bang a hooker. Kill a hooker. (No don't. Kill a Mets fan instead) Go to the Museum of Natural History. Do whatever you want, because if you can think it up, NYC will sell it to you.

If you're on Long Island try to get to a beach and get some sun. Then leave. If you're in upstate New Yok just keep driving. You'll hit Canada eventually.


But sometimes, after making hisotry by becoming the first African-American Miss America, her past comes back to haunt her and she looks like this:

But then she goes on to have a fairly succesful singing and acting career, marries a pro basketball player and makes millions of dollars, so the lesson here kids, is that if Penthouse magazine asks if they can publish naked pictures of you, say yes. And yes, I know poor Vanessa didn't actually get asked for permission, but she's certainly made more of her Miss America than 98.99999999999% of the rest of them, so the lesson still holds: Penthouse is good for your career.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: I visit the City whenever I can. I love the place but wouldn't want to live there. A few days is good and then the overwhelming smell of urine starts to irk me. I've been to Long Island a few times when I've had to and honestly I like the area but find the people to be the sort that I hope the zombies eat first, because then the former would be dead and the latter would starve to death for lack of brains. Also Billy Joel would stop making new music. I've got relatives strewn across the I-90 corridor, (metaphorically. They're actually very safe drivers), from Albany to Syracuse, and that is one long ass drive, especially in the down pour that seems to accompany me every time I travel through there. I like New York a lot.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Sweet mother of all that is holy, you bet!

Up next, Pennsylvania, because the Amish have to live somewhere.


Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Hee-hee. You said "cock."

9:20 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

To survive in New York, I have in on good authority from a law-school buddy who works in Manhattan but lives in Philly, that all you need is to be able to say this: "Fuck me?!? FUCK YOU!!"

9:22 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

First of all, I appreciate the "Go Sabres" comment. If you'd just add, "and take the fucking Bills with you" you'd be a real Upstate guy.

Even though I lived in New York State for the first 30 years of my life I've never been to New York City. Heck, it's like an 8 hour drive from Buffalo. To be honest I don't have any burning desire to go either. Although I'm pretty sure if I ever went I would come home with a burning sensation that would require an antibiotic.

The farthest east in NY I ever got was Albany when I went for a wedding. Never went back.

Oh, and the Yankees can blow me. I'm a Blue Jays fan so I'm not allowed to hate them like the Red Sox fans do but I can still hate them for being the main reason we'll only make the playoffs once every 15 years or so.

9:24 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

RSG, now you've said "cock" Oh dear god, now we can't stop saying "cock"!!!

Eclectic, well, that is a good conversation icebreaker in New York, true, but to really carry the conversation to a favorable finish, you'd better be packing heat.

Phollower, if Albany was the highlight of my trip east I'd turn my eyes to the west as well.

12:16 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I've never been to NY. Long Island has always been on my places to visit, moreso than even Manhattan.

12:48 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock Cock

What? You'd expect no less from me and you know it.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

I would have to say that in the world of gambling Vegas beats down New York. Sure there is Atlantic City nearby, but have you actually been there, it is no Vegas.

6:32 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I love cock. As long as it stays in my nightstand until I summon it.

Oh, and I hope that I am mentioned in the Pennsylvania Post. It is my hometown state. YOU SAY JO PA I SAY TERN O. . .!!!!

7:14 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

That was fucking hilarious, especially the part where you said Rochester was a major city. I fell out of my chair laughing at that one. In line with your comments, this was the only state post that mattered so I've been reading them (and enjoying them) waiting for this one. What the else other one can possibly do anything for me? Maybe you can post some how Hawaiian Beach Babes. I better stay tuned.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

Actually if you are ever in Western New York, I'd recommend getting some chicken wings. Limpy did not mention this, but they were invented in Buffalo at the Anchor Bar. And once you have them there, you'll never eat at BW3's again. Oh and there is one of the 7 Wonders of the World there - Niagara Falls to see, if you're into that kind of stuff. NYC was fun when I visited. The porn selection was astounding. But I agree the smell of urine gets old quickly.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

I think my cousin married that guy looking for the airport.
Dumber than a box of rocks, but makes family reunions entertaining.
"Yous guys gonna eat that?"

7:46 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

RSG, I am in awe of the way you take command of your cock.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

(must send Penthouse picture....must sent Penthouse pictures....)



(and a story or five.)

10:31 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

My first thought after reading this post was, "I must send in a pic to Penthouse." Then, I realized 1) I can't sing; 2) I can't act; and 3) they probably have some sort of physical requirement that would ban my picture from ever being published.


I would love to visit New York. Sadly, I have to wait until Hubby dies. He's vowed to never go there.


11:53 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Lady K, well then you're missing out. Manhattan has it all over Long Island, AND it only cost $24 to buy it from the Indians!

Tysgirl, if anything I'dve expected more cock from you.

Ookami, have you learned nothing from "Rounders" and Alex Rodriguez? NYC is chock full of (illegal) poker rings! Remember, I said they'd sell it to you, I never said it was legal. That's what she said.

RSG, I'm pretty sure I've used this line on you before after a similar comment but: Can I get off the nightstand now? My legs are cramping.

Rat, if you're offering to subsidize a trip to Hawaii for "research" purposes, by all means. Rochester IS a major city. Come on, they totally have an AHL team and everything!

Sylvia, well thanks for ruining my planned trip to BW3's, whatever the hell that is. Also I think wings are generally pretty overrated, but if I ever did go to Buffalo, (for God knows what reason), I would go to the Anchor Bar and try them there.

Maggie, I can see the stained white T-tank now.

Tysgirl, seriously, my legs are killing me!

PG, yes indeed, you must. "Well, if you must pry" "Oh, I must, I must"-Blazing Saddles-

11:55 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Sadly, I was thinking the same of you.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Sugar Smacks said...

Dear Limpy

I watch Heroes, and it took me many episodes before I realized that "Save the cheerleader, save the world" meant "Save the cheerleader, save New York city." Bless NYC and it's massive megalomania. I love it.

And I love roosters. I don't know what all the cock fuss is around here!


1:50 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

You know, Penthouse has been calling me non-stop for the last few years.
I keep declining, but your blog has made me wonder if I've made the right choice.
My singing career could use the boost.
Not to mention the lack of a basketball star to marry.
Wow, Limpy, thanks!

3:21 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

Limpy, if you think wings are overrated, you have never had them in Buffalo. Everywhere else - yes they are overrated. In Buffalo, they are awesome. And BW3's (Buffalo Wild Wings - not sure how that is 3 W's) is a sad little chain (we have several here) which serves chicken wings, bad chicken wings.

5:19 PM  
Blogger The Q said...

I was pleasantly surprised when I went to NY (the few times I've been for work). It was clean, the people that ran up to me and pestered me weren't begging for money (but were trying to sell me knock off purses instead....then again, I guess that's kinda like begging for money but at least I'd get a purse I'd never use out of the transaction) and no one yelled that I was going to burn in hell with all the other whores.

I can't say the same about my trips to other big cities.

I definitely want to go back when I have more time (and money ~ both of which we have none of now).

4:39 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I went to NYC for the first time ever...last summer.

Loved everything about it. crack me up. ;-)

5:17 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Okay, I know I'm late to this party, but it's NEW YORK for Chrissakes!

I like New York! Seriously. I've had good times there.

Plus, I find it refreshing that New Yorkers will tell you what's on their mind. None of that California phony bullshit. If a New Yorker wants you to get the f*ck out of their way, they'll tell you, "Get the f*ck out of my way". Nobody beats them for efficiency!

10:40 AM  

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