Monday, March 10, 2008

Cue Sunset

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I was going to get to Arkansas today, even to the extent of bringing the book I'm using for research, (which you should understand to mean "plagiarize"), in to the office with me. But with less than 48 hours to go, (considerably less if I have anything to say about it), I'm spending all of my time, (except now), making sure to tie up loose ends and really try to make sure there is nothing in my office that needs doing before I leave. Obviously I can't settle every case, but I will make sure all the reports are up to date. It looks like I'll actually make that by tomorrow, so that's cool.

Of course, tomorrow will be interrupted by a good-bye luncheon, which I thought I had rather emphatically made clear I did not want. You may not have picked up on this, but I'm not a particularly sentimental type of fellow. I believe the answer I gave was "If we have some maudlin fucking good-bye ceremony somebody is going to eat their own balls" Well,we are. Maybe my mistake was using the term "maudlin" and leaving room for interpretation. Perhaps I should have substituted "any". So now we are, and not wanting to break my word on my last day here, someone's going to have to eat their own balls. Fortunately we're having Chinese so no one will notice. Well, almost no one anyway. One guy noticing is probably inevitable.

Because I know you love it, more musical recommendations. Lately I've really been into The Heartless Bastards a really good garage-rock type band out of Ohio. The singer
has an amazing voice, kind of quirky, but I can't get enough of it. Sort of like my problem with crack, but that's really none of your business now is it? I've also been listening to The Hangdogs
as much as possible as well. They're described as a "drunken alt-country band out of NYC, intent on either personal salvation ot damnation", so they were a sure bet. Unfoturnately they're now longer together and it's kind of hard to get their music, (legitmately anyway), but if you can find it, give it a lesson. My personal favorite is "The Gun Song", which is either pro-gun control, anti-domestic violence or both. Not to give away the ending but with a closing line like "and she blew a hole right through that fucker's heart" and a chorus that that goes

Actually, fuck it, here's the whole song. Sing it in kind of a country type twang. it'll help if you're sort of drunk while you do it. Hopefully this doesn't get me sued, but since I'm trying to get people to buy music from a great if apparently defunct band, it's worth the risk.


he was drunk depressed and crazy when he bought himself the gun
over the counter in some pawn shop on south main
one feel of that cold steel and he gratefully unwadded
the last fifty dollars to his name

he walked back to the subdivision, into the house
all excited to show her his new gun
she stopped packing right away when he put it to her head and told her
"the thing is, i still love you, hon."

CHORUS (Editor's Note: cheerful isn't it? When I renew my wedding vows this song's in the running for the first dance)

see your reflection in the blue steel and it's too late to run
the romance was gone with that first bruise
see, cupid don't shoot arrows out the barrel of a gun
and love don't make the ten o'clock news

she waited till he passed out, then she dashed her cigarette out
in the crumpled pile of her old wedding gown
she thumbed a ride to fredericksburg got a car there at the hertz
and she stopped into a pawn shop west of town

he tracked her credit card to clovis just to tell her he still loved her
he found her waiting tables in some bar
she smiled, said "oh darlin," slid her hand beneath her apron
and she blew a hole right through that fucker's heart


they acquitted her on grounds of the gun in his cold hand
still she ain't smiled once since that bloody day
they UPSed back both the guns, inherited and owned
so she sold em in some pawn shop on south main

see, cupid don't shoot arrows out the barrel of a gun
and love don't make the ten o'clock news

Trust me, it's a great tune. Listen to The Heartless Bastards and The Hangdogs. You'll be a better person for it.

And if I tell you I don't want a going away party, listen to me. We'll both be better off. Now where are those damn scissors?


Blogger Syd said...

The comment about Chinese food made me LOL. Still laughing.

1:48 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Who has Chinese Food at a Goodbye Luncheon?

2:32 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

The real question is this: If a man stands alone at a goodbye lunch and eats his own balls out of sheer irritation, does anyone hear his screams.
The answer is: no

But good luck.

2:46 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

It's always fun until someone loses their nuts.

Will you be giving one of your Alabama table top speeches at this luncheon? If so, I suggest you wear pants.

Best of luck!

3:26 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Well, if you don't want a damned good-bye party, then don't fucking leave! Oh wait... I meant that to be gentle. ;)

Buck up and make nice, Limpy. These are good peeps you're leaving, you said so yourself. Why I would take your word for it, I have no idea... but put your scissors away and have some more moo goo guy pan or something.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said... too...still laughing at the Chinese food....

7:34 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Enjoy your, uh, luncheon, if that's the right word for it.

I'll be checking out the music suggestions.

8:39 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Hmmm, balls. I'll take mine without salt. Or....

Happy last day! Balls, no balls, at least have a ball. Or two.

9:38 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Syd, one of my better ones. Which doesn't take much.

RSG, Apparently I do. Wasn't my choice.

Tai, that question my dear, is going to have to be answered by someone else. And thank you.

Tysgirl, I was asked to make a speech but I declined.

Eclectic, it was shrimp and broccoli, but otherwise I took your idea to heart.

BP, glad to hear it.

Zoe, enjoy the music.

PG, I'm having a ball now on my mini-vacation between jobs. Hopefully that counts.

8:37 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I finally had time to come back and check out those links. Did you happen to notice on the front page of the Hangdog site it says,

"Booze, it's what's for dinner."

I am so trying that tonight!

Hope you're enjoying your time off!

10:18 AM  
Blogger Sugar Smacks said...

Oh my god, thank you for the laughs. I REALLY needed it today.

And yes Limpy, it is pretty obvious you're not overly sentimental...but we wouldn't have you any other way -


thanks again

1:22 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Dude, I KNOW you're not working today, so where the hell's the post on Arkansas?! People count on you, dammit. ;)

11:42 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

"Unfoturnately they're now longer together and it's kind of hard to get their music, (legitmately anyway), but if you can find it, give it a lesson."

Two questions:

What about them is now longer?

What kind of lesson should I give it?

Just wondering . . .

4:53 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, yes, indeed, try pretending that's the first time you've had booze for dinner. We know about the houseboat parties.

Sugar Smacks, well, that's what I'm here for. Laughs every 4-8 days.

Eclectic, you would think those people would know better by now. We had good weather, so the dog and I went hiking and got covered with mud.

Callie, I have GOT to start rereading these things.

1:04 PM  

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