Thursday, March 27, 2008

Florida: America's Penis

And judging from the map, we're hung like a rhino! And uncomfortably close to Haiti! Wow, have we learned nothing in health class?

But enough about my phallic obsessions, it's time for Chapter 14 in "Know Limpy's States"!

Florida is the 27th state, entering the union on March 3, 1845. Jews everywhere suddenly felt a strong desire to move south for the winter. Quick, what's a Jewish person's favorite wine? "I wanna go to Miameeeeeeeeeee" Oh, I've got a million of these. Should be a hit at my nephew's upcoming bris.

But we're talking about Florida, not my issues with an integrated extended family.

Flordia is known as "The Sunshine State", although I personally prefer the unoffical nickname, "God's Waiting Room". True, Florida is a state blessed with an abundance of sunshine, but it's also blessed even more by an abundance of little old ladies and men dressed in polyester clothing with colors not found anywhere in nature, wandering about looking for a dinner special at 3 pm, all the while cruising down the road at 28 mph with their turn signal on for a right turn that never seems to come.

Florida is home to some of the best beaches in the world, especially when they're full of drunk twenty-somethings who will show their tits for a quarter. OK, sue me, those aren't tits. I'm kind of an ass man anyway. Every year hordes of college kids descend on Florida beaches for spring break and get drunk and naked and everyone complains about it for two weeks until the kids sober up and leave and the residents can get back to complaining about what's really important, like the hordes of Cubans and Haitians descending on the beaches.

Actually, the latter are probably more likely to work than the former, so I don't see what the fuss is.

I was supposed to go to spring break one year. Then at the last minute the guy with the car lit out for Costa Rica. Prick.

Florida tops the nation in producing sugar and citrus fruit and ranks second in tomatoes, strawberries, cocaine imports, greenhouse and nursery products, and may lead the world in bales of marijuana washing up on shore.

There are 17,019,068 people in Florida. In 1959, there were 2.8 million. Think about that for a minute. 50 years ago, across that entire dangling peninsula, there were less than 3 million people. Today, more than 17 million people. Isn't that amazing? One has to ask oneself, "how is it possible to do that in an environmentally responsible way, especially considering the high water table?" And the answer is "You don't!" Nope, you just build dams and levees and strip malls and cities and strip malls and roads and bridges and strip malls and trailer parks and great big over-priced theme parks based on vermin HEY KIDS!
and strip malls and housing developments and senior centers and golf courses and then, for good measure, throw in some strip malls.

As a result, Georgia and Alabama, at a minimum, will probably declare war on Florida in the next couple of decades over water rights. Also I hate strip malls.

Florida is also a vacation destination for millions of people every year. This year, that will include yours truly, who is being dragooned onto taking the kids to Fucking Disney World. Truly, my cup runneth over. After that we'll go stay with friends on the west coast and I'll look for alligators in the swamps. Yes you read that correctly. No I'm not kidding. This year I'm hoping to shoot a bull.

I'm kind of upset thought; apparently you're no longer allowed to bait them with NASCAR radio broadcasts as that's no longer considered "sporting" Pussies. (Note that the caption to the photo was supposed to say "Bull Gator With a Mullet", which makes this picture a lot funnier)

Florida's state bird is the mockingbird, which gives Alabama something else to be pissed off about besides all that water. What, the flamingo wasn't good enough? Actually, if someone in Florida had a sense of humor they'd make the official state bird the "Northern Snowbird" and put up a picture of a couple of dorks in bermuda shorts, black socks and a "South of the Border" T-shirt. On a related note, I'll be in Florida this year.

The state flower is the orange blossom, which kind of makes sense. Since they ripped out all of the other plants for the orange groves. Although I love orange juice, so fuck those other plants.

The highest point in Florida is Britton Hill, near Alabama, and 345 feet above sea level. Did I mention that Florida is the lowest state? I didn't? Well, it is. My concerns about global warming are somewhat eased by thinking about people like Donald Trump watching their mega-million dollar oceanside estates become so much flotsam. Then I giggle. It's very therapeutic.

IF YOU'RE IN FLORIDA YOU SHOULD: What are you, an idiot? Go to the beach! That's what it's there for. There's no reason at all to go into the middle of the state, unless you like strip malls and trailer parks. In which case, welcome to paradise Fuck-o, here's your camera! I enjoy poking around in the swamps and kayaking through the estuaries, (and showing off my vocabulary by typing words like "estuaries", even when I'm not 100% what they are). If you go in the spring, you can watch srping training baseball. If you go in the summer, you can watch 'A' league baseball, which is so bad that you'll think you could do better. You'll be wrong about that, but you can ease the pain of your athletic ineptitude with $1 Sam Adams beers, and that makes it all worthwhile. Of course, you should go to Key West
for any reason at all, or for no reason, as Key West is pretty much the greatest place on earth. With the exception of all the goddamn Jimmy Buffett stuff all over the place. I grew to hate that man while I was down there, although most of that hatred could proably be better described as seething jealousy at his being able to turn a life of alcohol, beaches and fairly craptacular music into a multi-million dollar empire. But other than that, Key West is just friggin' awesome.


I'm thinking she didn't win.

This looks to have been a better year.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO THE STATE: Like everyone else, I've got elderly relatives stashed away in Florida. We have friends that relocated to the coast and we'll sponge off of them for free lodging when we go on vacation every now and again. I honeymooned in Key West. I love the swamps and beaches in Flordia and hate the cities and over-development. It's one of the most beautiful places I know and fast on it's way to becoming an ugly shit-hole. I hope they figure it out.

Also I had a near-death experience while swimming in the ocean in Florida. I was bored and ecided to swim out about 150 yards or so to a buoy. Evey now and then I'd pick my head up to get a bead on the buoy. I was drawing pretty close when I looked up and saw, a little ways out from the buoy, a black, triangle-shaped fin disappear into the water. I turned around and slowly swam back in, trying to make as little splashing as possible and hoping sharks can't smell shit. I made it to the beach and walked over towards my wife who said

"Wow, you were pretty close to that dolphin"

The next day I was in the water again, albeit closer to shore, and was able to swim with two wild dolphins, if by "swim" one means "get close enough to two dolphins to see the scars on their back while they cheerfully ignore you" Still one of the coolest things I've ever done.

HAS LIMPY GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: Yes indeed. More than once even.

Next up: Georgia: Can We Borrow A Cup Of Water?


Blogger Party Girl said...

I'm sorry, did you say something after the painted asses?

hehehe, painted asses.

8:37 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

So I need to add killer dolphin repellent to the troll's finger and Viagra I'm sending for your birthday? Who said you were hard to buy for?

7:02 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

You giggle? Interesting.

10:05 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I was wondering about the giggling also.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

Dolphins make a man giggle, it's the blow hole.

The Keys are great, even I have gotten la...nevermind.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

More sugar than Hawaii? I find that shocking. The giggling was gay, but since the chicks liked it, good move.

10:20 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I love Florida. I moved to Oregon from Florida. I love the lizards that sit on the toilet seats and the flying cockroaches and the humidity--it's grand.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LOL You said "penis."

Just kidding. Florida would be GREAT if it weren't for the humidity. Humidity SUCKS for girls and hair...

on our HEADS, that is...

9:10 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LOL I said "head..."

9:11 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LOL I said "head..."

9:11 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, they are very, uh, colorful, aren't they?

Tysgirl, the dolphins were fine. It's my inability to distinguish them from sharks that needs work.

Tai, only when Trump's oceanfront property gets swamped.

Tysgirl, hopefully, I've now clarified the issue.

Cedar, no no, finish your thoughts.

Rat, I suppose it would have been more manly to use "snicker"

RSG, wait, I'm confused, are those things in Oregon or Florida?

LK, there's nothing better than a nice humid Florida afternoon in July. other than going inside and cranking the AC.

10:21 AM  
Blogger BBC said...

I figure that Florida only has fifty years left at best. Too many monkeys there doing too many stupid things and destroying the place.

6:11 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Did you mention all the strip malls? While you're at it, the cockroaches? And fire ants? No??? Well, those're about all I remember from my time living there. Well... that, and fucking tourists clogging the freeway at rushhour. Here's a tip: If you're on VACATION in a city where people actually work, STAY IN YOUR HOTEL OR SOMEWHERE DURING HIGH TRAFFIC HOURS UNTIL THOSE PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN TO AND FROM WORK!!!!

There. Now I've given your readers a free public service announcement. I'm so friggin' good to you it's incredible.

3:08 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Pug for the defense:

I have had good times in Florida, from the Panhandle to the Keys.

Also, think of ALL of those True Crime shows which would have quickly run out of material without Florida's substantial contribution.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

Not only was this article f*ing hilarious, the comments were a riot as well!! I live in FL but in the not so glamorous NE part of it. It is hot, dirty, hot, the river that runs through my city is BROWN. Not brown as in muddy, I mean brown as in I truly think it is liquid shit that flows north trying to bless GA with all it's murky goodness. Unfortunately, it turns sharply to the east at the last minute to bless the Atlantic ocean instead. Which of course means that if you go to the beach here, the ocean water is a dark, murky, BROWN. Sound like a dream vacation, y'all? If you don't like brown water, there are always strip malls.

10:09 AM  

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