Monday, March 17, 2008

Soooooo-eeeeee! Pig, Pig, Pig, Pig!

But enough about the official song of our next state. It's time to learn all about Arkansas, Chapter 13 in "Know Limpy's States".

Arkansas is the 25th state, entering the Union on June 15, 1836, and then, in perhaps the first documented case of an entire state developing attention deficit disorder, leaving to join the Confederacy in 1861. How'd that work out for you anyway? Arkansas gets its name from the French, who learned of a tribe named for the south wind which was spelled, in French anyway, "Arkansas", but pronounced Oo-ka-na-sa, so now you know why Arkansas is pronounced differently from Kansas. I, for one, will sleep better tonight.

The territory that would become Arkansas first became part of the US with the Lousiana Purchase. Arkansas was such a desirable territory that Lewis and Clark made sure to start their expedition to chart the new lands out of Missouri, thereby ensuring they'd never have to look at anything actually in Arkansas.

Which is too bad, becuase they missed such neat stuff as Crater Diamonds State Park, where the public is actually allowed to wander about and keep any diamonds they find, which is an interesting way of ensuring that a state's natural resources are preserved for generations to come. Most parks I know of subscribe to the motto "take nothing but photographs, leave nothing but footprints", but apparently in Arkansas it's "Fuck it, bring a pick-axe and grab whatever you can."

Arkansas has a town called Hope, which you've no doubt heard of ad nauseum, as it produced a former president and lover of blow-jobs and a recently running for president and a thinks-the-constitution-should-be-amended-to-reflect-the-bible troglodyte who was running for president until people starting actually listening to him, whih is pretty neat for a town so small it doesn't seem to appear on the map of Arkansas in this book. Either that or I just can't see it due to failing eyesight after years of mastur----, uh, reading in poor light and watching TV too close.


(I just found it. It's in the southwest corner)

Arkansas also had a heartwarming role to play in the Civil Rights movement, requiring an actual invasion of federal troops to make sure black kids could go to high school with white kids. Sort of like Boston but with less busing or violence.

Arkansas is known as "The Natural State", due in no small part to its apparent committment to the environment as exhibited in its "Take Whatever You Want" approach to state parks, or possibly the fact that its pretty much still in the same natural state its been in since the Stone Age. Here we see a photo of the Arkansas Open from 2006.

Arkansas's state bird is the mockingbird. For a useful guide on how to kill these pests, click here. Boo Radley, incidentally, later was elected a Senator from Arkansas.

The state flower is the apple blossom. It probably should be rice, since Arkansas produces 45% of the US rice crop every year. Arkansas is apparently pretty soggy.

The highest point in Arkansas is atop Magazine Mtn in the Ozarks, some 2,753 feet above sea level, or approximately the same altitude that Maggie starts running uphill in Montana.

There are 2,725,714 people in Arkansas. Most try to claim they're from Missouri or Louisiana.

IF YOU'RE IN ARKANSAS YOU SHOULD: While I read here that the whitewater rafting and hiking, (and apparently the amateur diamond mining), are real draws, if I were ever to go to Arkansas, (and as you can clearly tell by my idiotic rambling here, I haven't), it would be to go to Bentonville and burn down the Wal-Mart headquarters.

Holy Crap! Clearly I've underestimated the powers of Ozark inbreeding!

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Absolutely none, other than spreading vile and unsubstantiated rumors about it just now. Except for that one about Wal-Mart. I fucking hate Wal-Mart.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No, and that's not likely to chnage after this little opus. Which is sort of too bad judging by the quality of former Miss Arkansas.

Up Next: A less than thrilling ride through Florida, where I'll pick up some much needed electoral votes.


Blogger eclectic said...

Razorbacks. Go HOGS?!?! Never did understand that as a mascot. On the other hand, I don't understand hairy backs either. But I'd recommend wax, not razors.

9:12 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I'm curious, how do you really feel about Wal-Mart?

Eclectic: Just say "Go Vols!".
There, problem solved!

4:08 PM  
Blogger Callie said...

Eh - she does nothing for me.

Must be a guy thing.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...


5:48 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

dear limpy,

as has been the recent tradition of reading out loud your tour through the states of the union, i was met with a "that was dull" from bran. he doesn't think that it's up to your usual acerbic standards of political incorrectness and naughtiness. are you feeling unwell?

6:44 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

I totally had to look up the definition of "troglodyte", Maggie.

6:53 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, at least its original. You have to grant them that.

Tysgirl, I'm against it.

Callie, Must be. or it's just me.

Maggie, I love that word.

DW, this was not one of my better efforts. In addition to dealign with a new job where I actually have to -gasp- WORK, I don't know much about Arkansas. Not that it shows.

Syd, must be that Mississippi public school system.

7:51 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You mean they're actually making you -gasp- work?

Don't they know you owe me a list? I hate it when your work interferes with my entertainment.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

After a 30 year perfect driving record, some of those years with an actual driver's licence I got a speeding ticket while passing through Arkansas. If the cop is reading this that gave me the ticket, I did your Mother/Sister/Aunt.

10:16 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I don't know what that word is either and I'm too lazy to look it up.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I'm excited b/c I knew the defination "troglodyte" .

Yes, my life is that boring.

7:45 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Without going back to look at the other bikini babes, they all seem to look the same (except the one with the I'll cut your balls off when you sleep crazy look in her eyes). They all wear that same bikini (it would be fun watching them hand it off), and they are all in front of the same pool. I hope all the other ones are naked stage right & you eventually post a photo of that for the grand finale.

8:44 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, it's kind of hard figuring out this law thing after the last couple of years, but I'll get the hang of it again.

Cedar, so did he.

RSG, a troglodyte is a primitive person dwelling in a cave. Or Arkansas, as the case may be.

BP, but educational!

Rat, they are all the same. The shots are from 2005. I'm just using those for consistencies sake, so no one has an unfair advantage. Except for Miss New Jersey, of course.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You’ve never been to Arkansas, Limpy? Never enjoyed the spas at Hot Springs? Sorry.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Tinder said...

i loved Eureka Springs. In fact, my partner and i were married there.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Tinder said...

I just want to know if I missed my homestate of Ohio?

12:08 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Nick, nope. Yet another thing I don't have in common with FDR.

Tinder, Ohio is still in our future.

10:22 AM  

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